Jammin

This isn’t the first time I’ve posted after a Marley quote. I love the man. 

I love it. Did you listen to me? No. I still love you. It became too much of a competition in the end. Too much competing to show our love. 

It’s Nice To Finally Meet You

But who is? Everyone changes. Some of us at a higher rate than others, but we all change. 

I used to think sex was the way to a man’s heart. Sex was what made a man determine if he loved me. Pretty stupid, eh? Well, that must be my middle name. 

I used to think people changed as fast as I do. I thought people actually learned from their mistakes. I also thought people would change into what I wanted them to be. I wanted you to be the man of my dreams. 

But, I do eventually learn from my mistakes. It takes me a few times to get it right, but eventually I’ll do as I’m supposed to. 

A year ago, around this time, it finally became clear to me what the truth is. I finally got it through my thick skull what it means to be real. It’s not satisfying your man sexually that keeps him around. I don’t know what that answer is yet, but when I do I’ll let everyone know.

I want the world to love more. Love doesn’t mean sex, and many of you laugh, but I thought it was the same. No. 

Love is respect for one another. Enough respect to take into affect your loved ones wishes. For example, maybe she doesn’t feel like having sex right now. Don’t make her feel bad. Don’t give her a guilt trip or try to convince her she’s cheating. Do you like having sex when you’re not in the mood? Or are women that much different than men? Personally, I just don’t feel like having sex. I don’t feel pretty, or clean, or whatever it is. It’s not like it’s you. It’s me.

Love in being truthful with each other, to each other, and about each other. If you tell me I look good, and I really look like I should be a clown in the circus, you’d better tell me. And please tell me when I’m being a bitch. I really don’t know all the time when I’m acting like the devil in Prada. I want to hear why you love me, how much you love me, what I do wrong, how I can fix it. 

Love is compromise. You don’t own me, and I don’t own you. You want to go out tonight? Do I get to go out without you tomorrow? Am I not compromising enough? Well let’s see what evidence you can bring to the table, and I’m sure I’ll compromise more. You don’t have to give me ultimatums. 

Please just communicate with me. Talk to me. Am I asking for too much? Maybe that’s why I’ve never had my idea of a perfect relationship. Maybe I wasn’t asking for enough. 

I promise to give love to you the best way I know how. I’m still learning, please be patient with me. I need patience right now, or nothing. 

I’d prefer nothing sometimes. 

Dearest Sister

It’s hard to even call you my sister anymore. Sisters don’t do this to each other. Sisters are supposed to love each other and have a bond like no other. But that’s never been there, has it?

From the day you found out mom was pregnant with me, you hated me. How dare I take away your mom, step dad, grandpa, grandma and whoever else you’d like to add you this list! How dare I take away the attention you’d been getting. 

I guess that’s a typical middle child problem, but most tend to grow out of that and accept that they are still loved. Not you. You’ve had it out for me since I can remember. Locking me out of the house so you could have it all to yourself and your friends. I was only 4? 

I remember trying to find someone house to go to, feeling horrible, and wondering to myself “why doesn’t she love me?” I was 4 years old and thinking this. Do you think I came into this world just to take all your attention away? To ruin your life? 

I’ve never even tried to do anything to you even after I found out you slept with my son’s father and became “friends” with him after what he’d done to me and my family. I didn’t do anything after I found out you went on a date with my other baby’s daddy. I never did anything after you called me a bitch when I was just trying to help you. 

I didn’t even do anything after you lied, once again, to the courts and were part of having my kids taken from me. My kids. Mine. Not yours. The only thing I plan on doing is staying the fuck away from you. 

It’s funny how both of my son’s fathers told me you were “bad people” yet now they use you to get back at me. What did I ever do to you? I mean, really? How old are you? You think it’s acceptable to treat your family like this? It’s not just me that you’re messing with now. Now it’s everyone that supports me. Our mother! Our father! My son! 

Your lies will catch up to you, and hopefully it happens before MY kids get hurt anymore! Do you think this is what’s best for them? Guess what? I don’t give a fuck what you think. As far as I’m concerned you’re dead. You are dead to me. You better see those boys as much as you can right now because you will NOT ruin their lives like you’re trying to do to mine! 

Your opinion means nothing to me. Like I said, it’s as if you are dead. I should forgive you for my own health, but I can’t. That wound is way too fresh and every time it starts to heal you do something else to rip it open. 

I hope you read this. I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done to my family, OUR family. Your actions show how vindictive you are. 

Middle child syndrome? No. I’d call this a horrible person. Period. 

Good bye, once again. 

Good Things Come To Those That Do Good

This past weekend was the beginning of our summer here in central Washington. We actually had a spring this year!

It was scorching hot, as it is in the desert, so Alonzo and I decided to buy popsicles and hand them out to the homeless. 

The homeless have been in the news a lot the past month. They set up camp in the middle of town, which really pissed off a lot of businesses and neighbors. 

The city put outhouses and wash stations up for them, so they wouldn’t go to the bathroom in their neighbors yards. 

It was really eye opening and sad. We gave them all about two popsicles each. They flocked to the car like flies on shit. It was sad, but it also made me feel good to be able to make them happy for a few minutes. 

There were 30 families, couples, singles, older people, younger people, mentally ill people, sane people, addicts. All different colors, but mostly the same shapes. Skin and bones. The shapes of skeletons. 

Faded tattoos covered their skin. I wanted to hear all of their stories. What happened to make them homeless? Is it their addictions? Some I’m sure. Is it their mental health? Possibly. Whatever their story is, I respect it and respect how they live today. 

They aren’t that different from you and me. They have families, people they care about. They just live in tents instead of houses. 

They were very thankful for the popsicles. I wish we could do more, but we aren’t that different. The only difference between them and me is I have a super support system that has taken me in and allowed me to stay here until I could get back on my feet.

Please take a moment out of your day to educate yourself about the homeless. Maybe even donate to a local charity. Let’s take care of the people in our country! We need each other!

Harley Quinn

Meet Miss Harley Quinn! She’s a purebred Yorkshire Terrier, and my new best friend!

Harley was born on April 24th, 2016 and is the niece to Marley, my other Yorkie that stayed with my ex when I moved.

She is such a good puppy! She is learning very fast and is just a good dog.

She approaches everyone with caution, but everyone loves her. Even my dad who didn’t want me to get her.

Here she is, being a little smarty-pants. She jumps into my purse, then tries to jump up on the couch! I just love her so much!

I want to say thank you to Nancy for breeding such a good dog, Alonzo for letting me bring her with me when I stay the night, and to my dad for giving her a chance. You guys won’t be disappointed!

Third Times A Charm!

Let’s try this again! I need to learn a lot of things in life, and one of them is to press the “save” button when I’m typing up these blog posts! I just poured my heart out and lost it all! Oh well. You don’t really want to hear about all my problems. Wouldn’t you rather hear about my progress and happiness? This world is full of negative shit, and I don’t want to feed into it anymore! From now on I am HAPPY! Nobody will bring me down!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything good on here. I’m now eight months and 19 days free of those bad drugs. I feel SOOOOOO much better. I’m much more content and just happier. It’s not just getting off the drugs that has made me feel this way though. It’s also because I’ve had therapy to help get me better and change the way I think. I am so thankful that I was put with my therapist, Melissa. She’s the BEST! I have been in counseling for years, and not all of those counselors knew what to do with me.

I’m also thankful for Ideal Options, the Suboxone treatment center I go to. I started with three eight milligram strips a day. I then tapered down to two strips a day. I’m now at one strip a day! I’ve gone down faster than most people do, and I went down more than they suggest to go down. I can handle a little bit of withdrawal though, so I figured if I’m going to feel the withdrawals when I go down half a strip, why not just go down a whole strip? It worked! I feel like I’m ready to go down more, but I’ll have to cut the strips, and I really don’t like doing that.

There’s a website that they want us to go to that helps with getting off drugs. I haven’t checked it out yet, but I’m going to today. It’s called Help Me Get Off Drugs. I haven’t looked at it yet, but I think it’s mostly for getting off opiates and Suboxone. If you’re an addict and want help, click on the Ideal Options link above, or Help Me Get Off Drugs. Ideal Options is for opiate addiction, but they may be able to help with others. Believe me, you think that high is the best feeling in the world? I did, and let me tell you, it’s so much better being sober. Happiness feels like that high. My head is clear now. I can make decisions knowing I’m doing the right thing now. So, go check them out!

A little update about the love life… If you’re reading this you probably think it’s going to be something bad, since that’s all I write about. It’s not going to be. I guess today he finally decided he was tired of the feelings I give him, and he can’t accept my past and move on. It hurts him too much. I don’t know what to do since I can’t go back and change what I have done. He’s not the only one that’s hurting though. It hurts me so much every time he brings up what I’ve done in the past. Do you really think I want to relive it every day? I want to hear how I’m such a better person than I used to be. I want to hear how happy he is that I’m his and only his. I don’t hear those things though.

He bought me those rings and then took them back because he found OLD pictures on my phone, from when we weren’t even together. He’s upset because I was raped by one guy and in a relationship with another a few months after we had broken up. I had tried to contact him and wanted to talk to him and get back together. He told me to lose his number and not to contact him again. He was in a relationship with someone for three months, but they didn’t have sex. So, because I had sex I am horrible and never loved him.

That’s so not true though. I did and still do love him. I have been a sex object to men my entire life. The way I thought I would find love was to sleep with men. I can’t change that, but I have changed how I find love now. That’s what trauma therapy was all about. Helping me to accept what has happened and how to avoid it in the future and how to live a fulfilling life. I DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX IF I DON’T WANT TO! You know how much weight was lifted off my chest after saying that? It may sound silly to you, but I used to think that I had to have sex with someone in order for them to love me. Silly me! Sex is just an added bonus.

It’s been more than eight months since I’ve slept with someone other than him. I shouldn’t have to live my life being reminded of how I USED to be, right? Or is that my karma? I don’t know what to do, so I guess I’ll just keep on being me and taking care of me. The one thing I need to feel complete is my kids. It’s not a man anymore. I want to say that he helps make me feel complete, but I’m not supposed to think that anymore. He did help a little though. He just can’t move on and enjoy what we have now.

I’m sorry, and I have tried for the past eight months to show how sorry I am. It’s not good enough. There is nothing I can do to change what I did. He wants to go our separate ways and maybe think about getting back together in a year. What if I die? What if he dies? Why can’t we take this year to work on our relationship and enjoy each other? That’s all I want. I just want to be happy, love someone with all my heart, and get my children back. I don’t just want to love anyone, I want to love him. He’s shown me what love is, even though he doesn’t think he has.

He said today that he thinks it’s just lust because love is something you give and grow together or something like that. I don’t think it’s lust. Anyways, thank you Alonzo for showing me love and for making me into a better person. I’m sorry for what I did to you, even though I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. I’m sorry you can’t see that I’m a completely different person than I used to be. I’m sorry that you want to wait a year and see what happens. This could’ve been the best year of our lives. We will never know.

I’m going to go let these tears out so it doesn’t become something worse, and I guess I’ll just keep on keeping on. There is someone out there that will appreciate, respect, trust, love and all those good things, me. I don’t have to be reminded of my past daily. It’s in the past and I’m focused on today and today only. Depression is when you live in the past, anxiety is when you live in the future. You have to live for now and now only.

 

 

So, He Loves Me… A Lot!

We have been on this rollercoaster ride for around three years. Ups and downs and sideways.
Many don’t have faith in us, especially family members. That hurts. It’s our own faults though. We shouldn’t run to our close friends and family when we’re having problems and then expect them to support our dysfunctional relationship.
They need to hear the good things because it’s not all bad. The good times outweigh the bad times or otherwise we would’ve jumped off this rollercoaster!
On Friday we went to the store to look for Scarface. We left with about 20 movies, and two rings. He says one is a “sorry” ring, and the other is a “promise” ring. He’s sorry, but for what? He promises what? I need to find out the answers to those questions.

They are very pretty rings. I disappointed him because I didn’t react the way he thinks I should’ve. The truth is I’m scared. I have always said I wasn’t going to get attached to someone and here I am getting attached and shit.
It’s been such a rocky road and I’m truly hoping things are going to get better.

We do Love each other. They say if the person you Love doesn’t drive you crazy, you’re with the wrong person. Well, he does drive me crazy! I’m just scared that He’s going to keep pushing me away and I won’t come back.

They do look pretty, don’t they? I Love you Alonzo Lollipop. Don’t let me down.

Trauma

Today is my last day of trauma therapy. I haven’t had PTSD since January, and I feel like a whole new person. I’ve learned so much!
I wish they’d teach this stuff to everyone. It’s so important for everyone to learn the things I’ve been taught.

I was taught how to love myself, trust myself to make the right choices, how to improve my self esteem and to make others feel good about themselves. I also learned what healthy relationships are.
My therapist really did a good job! She’s the best out there. I feel so relieved to be done, but also sad. I’m going to miss seeing her face every Friday!
She gave me a clean copy of everything we’ve gone over. I want ever everyone I know to read it.
Therapy works. You just have to be willing to learn a different way of thinking 😉

Six Months and Six Days!

6 Months clean!

I can’t believe it’s been six months already! I’m so thankful for Suboxone and Ideal Options/Ideal Balance. They really are my heroes! They are my cheerleaders in a world of haters.

About seven months ago, I was using, and at the beginning of the month it was to get as high as I could. Towards the end of the month, when I was having to rely on other people to give me drugs, it was so I could feel “normal.” I didn’t know what to do.

I knew I had to tell someone, but who? People are so damn judgemental! I thought about it for a few days. A few very hard days. I finally came to the conclusion I should talk to my counselor about my problem with drugs. I mean, I should’ve already told her so she could do the right treatment for me.

By the time I told her, I was already detoxing. I had always thought that if I made it past four days, I was in the clear. I didn’t know anything about PAWS. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, a.k.a. bitch. These things can last the rest of your life. I wasn’t just coming off of one drug, but three. It wasn’t fun, but I’m still kicking.

The only thing I’ve really noticed is my memory is still bad. It’s getting better, but nowhere like I used to be. When you do drugs, or at least opiates, you make new channels in your brain. Instead of just going from one receptor to another, the opiates go straight to your pleasure receptors. It bypasses everything else.

When you are recovering from drug use, it’s like you’re starting all over. Not just inn every day life, but you’re making your brain healthy again. Your brain is learning how to pleasure yourself without those drugs. How to appreciate the little things.

Recovery isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it. I feel so much better than I did six months ago, or for the past seven YEARS. I don’t just look healthy, I am healthy again. My brain is getting back to a healthy brain and I might just not get dementia!

If you’re struggling with addiction, reach out. There are non judgemental people who care about you and want the best for you. You really need to do it for yourself though.

Family members of addicts, ultimatums may seem like the way to go, but what really helps is being supportive and non judgemental. There is a root cause for an addict to become addicted to drugs. Let your addict know you’re there for them, as well as others.

And as always, send me a message on Facebook, Twitter, or comment here if you need help. I will support you through this journey.