Posted in 100 Days of Happiness Challenge, Arts and Crafts, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

This is Day Three, and Day Two, and Day Four.

Silly me missed all of these days again! It wasn’t completely my fault. I didn’t have Internet access for like three days! can you believe it?! I tried to “borrow” the neighbor’s Internet connection, but all of them were password protected. I tried to get A to ask his neighbor for his password, but he didnt want to.

So, three days later, here I am, on WordPress, trying to remember what made me happy. The first thing I’m going to put down is my happiness that I have FINALLY found and am being treated by the, in my opinion, best Dr. around. He has my meds right and I know this because I feel pretty stable. Maybe a little agressive at times, but dammit, quit pissing me off!

I am also happy that I have a vast supply of art materials. Probably enough to keep me busy for a few weeks. I discovered this awesome artist on YouTube that does tutorials on how to draw pin up girls and old school stuff like that. I have done one of the tutorials, which I will post about later, but I CANNOT wait to do more!

Today I’m happy because I have officially quit smoking (yay me!), and am now only Vaping. I have been using a Vaporizer for about three months now. I would still smoke cigarettes sometimes. I finally bought an expensive one with flavored oils to use in it, and I haven’t smoked any cigarettes since! Before, I had tried all of the over the counter stop smoking aids, but they NEVER worked. This vapor deal is pretty awesome! I can even feel a difference in my breathing and my taste buds. Gatorade has never tasted so good!

Ok, so there’s my three days of happiness. I will do today’s when the day is over, granted I still have Internet access.

Have A Great Day Everyone! thank you for stopping by and liking, commenting, and even following my blog! I know I’m boring, SO it means a lot to me!

Peace out

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Posted in Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

I Wish.

What’s the one super power that you wish you could have? Mine would be to read people’s minds. I’m sitting here thinking what to say, how to say it, what to do? Listening to depressing music that fits my relationship right now. I just don’t understand. “You don’t text me good morning anymore. You don’t call me on your breaks anymore.” So, guess what I did today? I said “Good morning.” No reply. I called him on my break. Didn’t seem to matter. Things were going good. Then I was supposedly on my phone too much. Kinda weird. All I did was order some clothing and shoes for Brady and change my Google play credit card. I looked up a movie/book that we were talking about that sounded good.

It really sucks to feel like you’re not good enough. I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything. All I did was give it my all. I’m so tired of crying. Crying over boys. Not just him, but my sons. I think the worse part of crying is the stuffy nose. I think I’m almost out of tears. You know when you’ve cried about someone so much you just don’t even care anymore? That’s how I feel some days.

I think I’m unlovable. Or maybe I don’t know how to love a man. I thought I did. Everything is so different this time around. Is it that battered woman syndrome? The good times are so good but the bad times are so bad. I’m 32 years old and finally think I have found it, the L word. I think I was wrong. Once again.

My mind is just racing with questions that I wish I knew the answers to. I think I’ll go outside and see if it’s snowing, like it’s supposed to. 1

Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

This Is For Me

So don’t go getting a big ego. I’m doing everything I’m doing for myself. You think you’re so smart and know exactly what’s going to happen because SHE did that to you. I’M NOT HER! I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and listen to you tell me how my life is going to turn out just because that’s how HER life is! And what makes you so God damned perfect?  Who gives you the right to judge me? What are you doing with your life? What have you done with it? The future I see for us is what I see. You’ve never told me any of your dreams or what you want. What do you want? You expect me to sit here and listen to you because you’re an alcoholic and you were with a junkie girlfriend so you must know everything! I cheated on my boyfriend or better yet, my best friend, to be with you. I guess you’re right. It’s all just my dreams and fantasies. It’s not real.
This is the last prescription I’m getting. I have one job and am actively seeking another so I can have my own place with my children. My paychecks will be put towards rent, electricity, insurance, wsg, my children’s savings accounts, and food to put on the table. This isn’t my first Rodeo. I’ve lived on my own before, when I was 21 until I was 26. With 2 kids. By MYSELF! I wasn’t 40 years old before I moved out on my own. I haven’t lived 20 years of my life being a freeloader. Quit treating me like I don’t know what I’m doing! Quit treating me like I’m stupid! Listen to what I have to say and you’ll see in not HER! I’m not an irresponsible 20 something year old with six kids and no teeth! It’s too bad she ruined you. We had something good. But you’re so closed minded, ignorant, and just plain egotistical that you’re blind. And now you try to ridicule me. Make fun of me. That really makes me feel a lot better. Well, even a month from now you’re going to see a whole new person, and maybe this person won’t want to put up with your closed mind anymore. You’re not the only fish in the sea and I will realize that. If I didn’t, I’d be just as closed minded as you.

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Posted in Blogging101, Miscellaneous

Dear My Noodles, My Dream Readers

Noodles,

I wish you would read this, and hopefully some day you will. I love you all so much, and all in such different ways. There’s so much I want to tell you, but I know you’re not interested at the moment. Maybe when You’re older you will be more interested in what I have to say to you.

I am sorry. I am sorry that I haven’t been there for you every waking moment that I should and could have been. I’m sorry that I have given you the ugly disease of depression. Hopefully it’s the only bad thing you get from me. Ok, let’s be serious. I’ve given you more than just depression that is bad, and I’m sorry for that. If I could be in your shoes every day, I would. Maybe I can be a Super Hero and take it from you so you don’t have to suffer anymore. When you are suffering, I am suffering. It breaks my heart to hear that kids are picking on you at school. I want to go to your school and flick them in the head, but I think I’d get in trouble for that.

I’m sorry that I gave up on you when you were just seven. It probably was for the best, but I will never forgive myself for letting you go. You belonged and still do belong with me, your mama. We were attached at the belly button for a whole nine months! That’s a long time, believe me! Even after they cut the cord so we weren’t attached anymore, I still loved you just as much. When you cried through the whole first night after we came home from the hospital, I still loved you. The tears streaming down my face right now are because I love you so much and am so regretful of what I have done. I just signed you over like you didn’t mean anything to me, but please do know that you mean the world to me. Just as much as the other noodles. I’m so glad that you’re such an easy going, happy kid. I’m so glad that you’re not mad at me, or do you just not show it?

I know you’re mad at me little noodle. I’m so very sorry for that too. Someone told me not to say I’m sorry, but to show it. How do I show you how sorry I am that I couldn’t protect you, and that the system failed you too? A bunch of liars have cause an uproar in your life. You’ve had to change schools, leave the only people you’ve known your whole life to live with one that was only around when it was convenient for him. You’re better than that Noodle. You won’t grow up to be like that. You’re going to break that ugly cycle that you’re a part of. I will live long enough to make sure of it. I hope and pray that soon you’ll be back in my arms. I miss all of the hugs you gave me everyday for no reason but because you love me. I know it’s hard right now, and I know you’re hearing a lot of bad stuff about your mama, but please know, in your heart, that your mama is not a bad person and loves you so much! I have done so much for you in your short little life because I love you so much. You needed a little extra help growing up, and who was there helping you? Your mama. Never once did I give up on you. I knew you’d be just fine.

Well Noodles, I have a lot more to say, and I’m sure I’ll write more of these for you. For now I’m going to close with I’m the proudest mama on the face of the earth, and probably to the moon and back too! You’re all so smart and so brave, who wouldn’t be proud of you? I love you more than anything, more than you think. I’ll show you how sorry I am when I find out how.

Love,

Mama

Posted in Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

NaBloPoMo!

***CAUTION COULD UPSET YOU IF YOU READ IT!!!***

Wow! NaBloPoMo? “What in the hell is that,” you’re probably wondering. Well, it’s this totally awesome event for November. It’s National Blog Posting Month. I have committed to write one blog post for every day in November. Not just here and there, like I usually do, but EVERY day!!! I’m actually really excited about it. There are some awesome prompts that can be used, and I have a lot of every day things to write about. I’ve been doing a lot of tangling and just practice drawing, and haven’t posted any of them.

I found out about NaBloPoMo from BlogHer. Do you know what BlogHer is? Here is a little bit about them from their website; “BlogHer is a platform for sharing great voices, stories, and ideas. BlogHer Inc., is a new kind of media company, created in partnership by, for and with women, and men, who are leaders across blogs and social media and are passionately commited to quality content.” A good FaceBook friend of mine, Karen, introduced me to BlogHer and I’ve really enjoyed most of the posts. Some I don’t agree with, but that’s life, right? We can’t always agree with everyone!

Today is November 5th, 2014. The blog prompt for today is, “Do you feel you have found your voice on your blog? What techniques have you tried to develop your voice in your writing? What are some characteristics of your personality in your writing?” This seems a little difficult for me. I’m a little apprehensive about my blog. I feel as if I only write when I want to complain about something that has been bugging me. It’s almost like a journal to me. I hope I don’t seem that way in real life! I don’t want to be a Debby Downer!

I like variety, as you can probably see. I like arts and crafts and music and so on and so on. I do like a lot of things! I love that I have a new found talent in drawing. I’ve always felt the need to draw, or the desire to do it, but have never felt that I was any good. I can’t draw a straight line even with a ruler! Through Zentangle, I have realized that it’s ok to make mistakes, and those mistakes don’t need to be erased. Just as in life, you can’t erase your mistakes. You can either dwell over them, or you can make something beautiful out of them. I have three children that weren’t planned, but I sure as hell don’t consider them mistakes! They are my babies. My little joys that put a smile on my face every minute of the day. I am so proud of my boys and I know that they are who they are today because of me.

Unfortunately I was a little irresponsible and ended up having three boys with three different boys. I would call them men, but they haven’t proven to be yet. I’m still waiting! These boys weren’t in their children’s lives until the kids were at the fun age and didn’t have to wear diapers anymore. My oldest Noodle didn’t meet his dad until he was 10. He still doesn’t have a good relationship with him. My middle Noodle’s dad would come around on my Noodle’s birthday and Christmas. He was told by my youngest Noodles father that he either needed to see him every other weekend as was in the parenting plan, or not at all. I didn’t hear from him again for two years in which I had called him to see if he wanted to start his visitations. Noodle was five, almost six. My youngest Noodle’s dad has been in his life since he was born, but for the past four years he’s only been allowed to see him for eight hours a week. He was supposed to take a parenting class and then he could go back to court to get his visitations increased, but he chose not to. His girlfriend and her five kids were more important to him. Now he has temporary custody and it’s killing me. That’s another day’s story though.

I love my kids more than anything and even though two of the three aren’t with me full time right now, everything I do is for them. I’ve been trying to get a job so I can move out and become independent again. That’s me. Mrs. Independent. I would rather work 100 hours a week than depend on anyone, like I am now, which is not fun for me. I feel like such a freeloader. I know I’m not, but I still have that little voice saying, “Mary, get off your butt and get a job!” I can’t wait until the day I get the keys to my next place. Or even the day I get an interview and they say, “You’re what we’ve been looking for and you’re hired!” That day will come. It has to. I have put my resume out to about 50 different places, and this isn’t a very big town. I’ve had responses from three of the jobs, and they are job staffing agencies. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I want an actual job to contact me.

I’m so thankful for my friend/ex boyfriend. He is nice enough to let me stay and freeload off of him until I find that job and that perfect place to live. We’ve been friends since 2002, and together since 2012. I’ve lived with him the past year. We’ve had our ups and downs, but what couple doesn’t? I broke his heart a week ago. I did the unthinkable. I cheated. How could I have done that to such a great guy? A guy that let me and my three kids move in with him and his two kids that he has full time. I do provide the food, but that’s it. I just feel totally worthless and useless for what I have done. On the other hand I cannot seem to distance myself from the man I cheated with. I have tried countless times, which in turn hurt him and made him feel resentment towards me.

He needed me yesterday. I’m blaming the bi-polar, you can call it what you want. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me and had nobody else, because I was sleeping. I was coming down for a slightly manic phase and when I do that I sleep for hours upon hours. This is why I have a hard time keeping a job. This isn’t the first time I have let him down because of sleeping. Now he won’t talk to me and I have no idea of his prognosis. You’re probably thinking, “That’s what ya get ya dirty whore!” But really? Does anyone deserve to be hurt? Even the ones that hurt us?

I push people away from me and I believe I do that so I don’t hurt them. One thing about not having a job, is that I sit here and think, and think, and think all day long. I have almost considered myself crazy because of all the stuff I was thinking up. That’s when I decided I needed to get a job and get out. Not for him, but for me. I need to be Mrs. Independent again because that’s what makes me happy. I’ve got it backwards. I want to be the breadwinner. I want to be the one that works 60 hours a week and come home to a nice clean house, dinner, and kids that are fed, homework is done, and they’re ready to spend some time with me before going to bed.

I dream of this house with my children and Him, all of us sitting on the couch, the boys inched up to the TV more so they can see the big bad Halo guy. He plays with my children. He laughs with them and makes them laugh and shows them how it is to be happy, even though he isn’t himself. It’s always the “happy” ones that take their lives. You know why that is? If you know would you tell me please? One of the reasons I fell in love with this Man is because he could make me laugh every day. He would laugh at himself, which would make me laugh at him. “What are you thinking Mary? Look at who you’re going to be with! Look at my hair sticking out everywhere! What a dork! And you’re going to leave him to be with this? What are you thinking?!”

Guess I wasn’t thinking. I see the picture now clearly. We didn’t have our snowball fight. We didn’t get into that house with the couch inched up to the TV to see the bad Halo guys. I messed it up. I haven’t cried over a boy in ten years. I have cried the most I have ever cried in the past few weeks. It doesn’t get any better. I don’t know how it did before because I sure don’t see an end to this heartbreak. Ten years ago we didn’t have FaceBook to spy on the ones we wanted to be with. Now I see all these things he posts and think they’re pointed toward me, which I’m sure the ones about being a worthless slut are, and it’s driving me crazy. Just delete him, you say. I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose any type of connection between the two of us and FaceBook is all I have right now.

Right now I am again hurting someone. Someone that has been so dear to me for so long. He’s my bestie. I can tell him anything, and now I really feel like I can tell him anything. He says he loves me but I think I’m just here for the company. I’m not very good company considering I don’t talk much. We do have some good conversations sometimes, especially when we’re driving. We both like to just drive to clear our heads, but I always want to go with him when he wants to go by himself. I’m a little selfish with him. He gives me what I want if he can.

This is why I have decided to become Mrs. Independent again. I won’t hurt anyone. I don’t hurt my kids. Maybe I’ll save up for a new camera and start doing photography again. I used to LOVE taking pictures. Especially of children and macros. Children are so innocent and they don’t have to pose. You just make them laugh and you have a great picture! Macros make me concentrate so hard, and I love it! It takes a lot for me to just do one thing at a time. Like now, I’m talking to the oldest Noodle, smoking a cigarette, typing this, and sending text messages to a friend. The friend that I am living with that I have hurt. Oh and I’m listening to the TV too. Gotta love Dr. G: Medical Examiner on Discovery Health! No I was not paid to say that. I do like the show!

Well, this turned into a depressing post so I think I’ll just end it now and do some tangling. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Maybe it’s the weather. It’s all cloudy and windy here in the Pacific Northwest. Fall is here! Today reminds me of Thanksgiving when I was younger. I used to be so afraid of the wind. I was afraid of weather period. Thunder, lightening, being too hot, too cold, fog. Everything! I’m not anymore though 😉 So there is hope for me! Have a great day readers and I hope I didn’t put you in a gloomy mood!