What do you fear the most? Spiders? snakes? manipulative, narcissistic people? Or is it simply Death.
We live our lives just to die and go to heaven. Why don’t we live our lives while we’re ALIVE instead of living for the unknown? I don’t know what happens when we die and neither do ANY of you.
If I was the leader of one of these “cults,” I would tell you that when you take your last breath, after your heart has beat the last beat, when you’re dead, you teleport to a different planet that is millions of years away from Earth. That would be my explanation for the after life.
But, you wouldn’t have to live your life based on what could happen when you’re dead! For all ANYONE knows, I could be right, and everyone no matter what “sins” you have committed or how many doors you’ve knocked on to preach to people about how they should live THEIR lives!
Death is a scary thought, if you believe everything you watch or hear. I don’t think it’s scary. I’ve come close to death a couple times and decided after the last time, and hours of thinking, I do not care what happens when I die, or after the fact. Shit I may be going to hell, but at least I can say I lived my life. I’ve loved, I’ve hated, I’ve experienced feelings I didn’t know existed, and none of it was based on what is going to happen to me when I’m dead.
I’ve sinned like crazy! I’ve never asked for forgiveness once. Who am I asking? I’m not asking one single alive person! I live for my kids and me. For the people that return the love I share. For the people that have given me those awesome feelings I didn’t know existed. I live for now, not later.
To be continued……
Yeah, I forgot. There’s a lot been going on, but I’ll write another post about that chapter of my life ending….. thankfully!
So for day 7 I was happy to be able to spend time with someone whose so attentive, nurturing, and caring. That’s what love is all about!
Day 8 I was happy that I got to sleep in for a while, ok all day.
Day 9 I was happy because I stood up for myself and didn’t break and go back to that miserable life!
Day 10 I was happy to spend some quality time with friends.
Day 11 I was a little sad, but I was happy for the past week.
Day 12 I was more sad, but I found happiness in cuddling up with my baby boy’s blanket. Smelling his smells that have become so unfamiliar 😥
And day 13! I am happy that I have completed everything on my list! Yay me!
I’m going to get back into the daily thing now! See ya tomorrow!
I am going to pick 10 little things to say about myself. I probably should have done this when I first started the blog, but that’s ok. I’m sure someone out there will be curious about me! Here we go!
1. “I love to draw” Now I’m sure you all know this or at least kinda figured that out, but did you know that I just started utilizing my drawing talents in February of this year?I have always wanted to be an artist. My first memories are of me telling someone that I wanted to be an Artists, a Dr., a teacher, and a mommy when I grew up and I wanted twins. A boy named Scott and a girl named Lisa. In February I somehow found Zentangle which has brought out the artist in me, and I’m so glad. I’ve just recently started to draw things that actually look like something. Like this wolf! Can you tell it’s a wolf, howling at the moon?
2. “I have ADHD and the only thing I can concentrate on, without the help of meds, is taking photographs.” Pretty much sums it up! I love getting down with the macro lens on, and getting the butt of a bee that is all yellow from the pollen. Photography used to calm me down. I was able to be mindful. Be in the moment. It was nice. Now all I have is my phone camera, and I shake so badly it’s really kind of hard to take pictures. I would love to have another DSLR with the macro and the telephoto lenses. Those two were my favorites.
3. “My best friend and I have been best friends for all but six years of our lives!” I remember the day we met. We were in first grade, Miss. (Mean) Turner. We were standing in line for lunch I think, and somehow or another we decided we were best friends! She’d be able to tell you exactly what happened, because she’s cool like that. We did go for a period of nine years without really talking because she was in a horrible relationship. I’m so glad she made it out alive, and I’m so regretful that I didn’t try harder to get her out of there sooner. She’s closer than a sister and I failed her! Well, looks like I have some more to talk to my therapist about! Love you Heidi!
Oh boy this is going to be hard…. I don’t know 20 amazing facts about myself!
4. “When I was little, I was afraid of the weather.” It didn’t matter if it was sunny, windy, raining, snowing. I was afraid of it! I watched the weather man, Stu Siebol, like a hawk! Fall time scared me because it would get so windy I thought the trees were going to crash down on our house, or our house was going to get picked up off the ground. We went to Idaho once, and I thought we were in Ohio so I freaked out thinking we were going to have a tornado. I mean really freaked out. We were in Montana once and there was a really bad thunderstorm. We were in a house that was up on a hill. Well, you could hear and feel the lightening hitting the ground around us! I had good reasons to be afraid of the weather! I would hide under the bed. I was actually still afraid of thunderstorms up until I was 16! Oh and being up in the mountains while it was windy or thundering and lightening was the worst too! I always just knew those huge trees were going to come down on us!
5. “I sucked my thumb and rubbed the satin edges of my blanket, until I was in 6th grade.” And the only reason I stopped was because we had to go to stupid Camp Cispus! I don’t know how to spell that camp, but I hated it. I was homesick and tried to get my mom to come get me every day. It was way up by Mt. St. Helens, so she wouldn’t 😦 I made it though! And, I quit sucking my thumb! My grandparents tried everything to get me to stop. They put yucky tasting stuff on my thumb, put band aids on it, all sorts of different things. And I had my one favorite blanket. It was ugly brown but oh so thin and soft and had my favorite satin edges. I still rub the satin edges at 32 years old, but not of my favorite blankie. It was passed down to Brady who loved it so much he put holes in it. All the satin had come off. It was retired to the dump 😥 I did buy a new soft, satiny edges blankie though. It was a whopping $75, but worth every penny!
6. “I’m really superstitious, I just don’t let it be known.” A black cat ran in front of my car yesterday when I was dropping Alonzo off at his house. All I could think of was that I needed to get home and get in my chair where I was safe! I won’t write in journals because every time I write something good, something bad will happen and vice versa. It’s pretty horrible to be superstitious, but I’m telling ya. The shit is real! All those wives’ tales about being pregnant were true too. My boys all had slower heart beats, carried them all low, everything that went along with them being boys. Don’t EVER open an umbrella in the house if I’m present please 🙂 Thank you!
7. “One of the things that I hate the most is when people scare me on purpose.” I had an ex boyfriend that was a neat freak. I would always come home from work and just take my shoes off wherever I was. Well, he didn’t like that. He wanted them in the closet. So, his way of training me was to scare me! I would walk in the door and he’d be standing behind it when I closed it! That would scare the shit out of me! I hated him for that, but I did learn to put my shoes in the closet, and it didn’t take long 😉
8. “I love scary movies, but I don’t watch even a quarter of them because I’m hiding my face the whole time.” It took me five times before I actually watched the movie Saw. I had wanted it so bad and my boyfriend at the time bought it for me for Valentines’ Day. Wasn’t that nice of him? Anyways, I pick some real winners. So I hide my face throughout almost the whole movie because the anxiety just kills me. I want to watch it really bad, but I just can’t! Two more…. Think I can do it? I dunno! This should have been five amazing things about me! I’m starting to get tired!
9. “I was so depressed about turning 30 that I changed my birthday so I didn’t have to hear “Happy Birthday!”” I had never thought about turning 30 before. I had always thought about my life when I was in my twenties, but never past 29. Every birthday since 30 has been horrible. I’d rather not celebrate anymore. I like to celebrate other people’s birthdays, and give other people presents, but I don’t like my own! I don’t think I was supposed to live past 30 but for some stupid reason I did!
10!!!! “I leave the radio or tv on for my plants to listen to when I’m gone.” Yes, I know I’m weird. I know they were supposed to be amazing facts, but I really can’t think of anything amazing right now! My plants are pretty amazing. I used to have a lot and would take them out during the day, in the summer, and wash the dust off of them. I treated my plants better than I treated myself! They would get the good soil with Miracle Grow Moisture Control, just in case I forgot to water them. Now I have three plants. When I went into my depression I kinda gave up on them all. My plants are all in vases full of water right now. They were starts off of different plants, and I haven’t gotten around to planting them yet. I will once I move though! Gotta have some company ya know?
Well, I hope you enjoyed my kwirkinesses. That’s not even a word, but you know what I mean 🙂 I think it’s time for a few Ibuprofen’s and a little nappy nap. I hope you all have a wonderful day! I get to see my Heidi today! Yippeeee!!!!
I’ve totally been slacking on the NaBloPoMo and I feel horrible!!!! So, today I’m going to write at least two. This one is going to be an update on my wacky life, and the other one will be a prompt, because I think I liked the prompt for once. If it’s one I don’t like, I will just choose from a different list I have.
So, today was my first day at Michael’s! Yay! I work at a craft store!!! I had to be there yesterday at 10am for the interview, and I knew the girl that interviewed me! We went to Junior High together, and she remembered me. I felt flattered considering I didn’t remember her at first. She went by a different name in school. Anyways, so she did the background check yesterday and then told me to come in at 10am today! I did all the new hire stuff and started on the training. I forgot my glasses at the bf’s apartment, so it was a little difficult reading all the stuff. My head hurt by the time three hours had gone by.
I work again next Wednesday from 1pm to 5pm, and then I don’t know when again. I hope I work on Thanksgiving. It’s double time and a half, or some crazy stuff like that. I am a little tired right now! I got off work at 1pm and then came home to change into my interview outfit. Why you ask? Well I had an interview too! I have this little plan. I’m going to work myself to death, just so I can live comfortably and be able to provide for myself and my children, comfortably. So, Michaels is going to be my part-time, evenings and weekends job.
My interview went excellent. I scored higher than average on all of the testing, but of course I would!! I did score a little low in the 10 key, so I need to practice a bit and retake the test. Of course all of the jobs that are available right now you have to have faster 10 key than I did 😦
I have so much to do right now, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed! I’m kinda glad I don’t have to work until next week, but it would be nice to have more than seven hours on my first paycheck. I might just spend it all there! It wouldn’t be hard to do! Actually I think I’m going to get my hair done first thing. My poor, poor hair 😦 It’s been neglected for far too long. It’s tri-colored right now. I hate it! It’s that ugly color that brunettes get from going lighter. That ugly auburn color. Yuck. I think I will just dye it all black. A black that looks a little purple too. That should be good. And I think I’m going to go back to bangs again too.
The CPS lady came out today, but she didn’t come in. I don’t know what she wanted, but I have a hunch. I’m glad I’ve been taking pictures of when I feed the boys. Now I have proof! My case has been closed, so there’s no reason she should be out here. I don’t wanna write about that evil witch, so I’m going to end this on a good note….
I finally have a job!!!! I didn’t tell anyone about it either! Only the most important people in my life, and then not even all of them. I didn’t tell my dad, just because my mind is so scattered and I forgot. That’s the only reason I didn’t tell people, and I have a little superstition. If I tell a lot of people that I might have gotten a job, then I end up not getting it. If I don’t say anything, then I end up getting it! It works!
Ok, I’m off to write a post about something. Maybe just a story. I don’t think I’ve written just a story yet.
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