Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

10 Amazing Facts About ME!

I am going to pick 10 little things to say about myself. I probably should have done this when I first started the blog, but that’s ok. I’m sure someone out there will be curious about me! Here we go!

1. “I love to draw” Now I’m sure you all know this or at least kinda figured that out, but did you know that I just started utilizing my drawing talents in February of this year?I have always wanted to be an artist. My first memories are of me telling someone that I wanted to be an Artists, a Dr., a teacher, and a mommy when I grew up and I wanted twins. A boy named Scott and a girl named Lisa. In February I somehow found Zentangle which has brought out the artist in me, and I’m so glad. I’ve just recently started to draw things that actually look like something. Like this wolf! Can you tell it’s a wolf, howling at the moon?

My very first wolf drawing :)
My very first wolf drawing 🙂

2.  “I have ADHD and the only thing I can concentrate on, without the help of meds, is taking photographs.” Pretty much sums it up! I love getting down with the macro lens on, and getting the butt of a bee that is all yellow from the pollen. Photography used to calm me down. I was able to be mindful. Be in the moment. It was nice. Now all I have is my phone camera, and I shake so badly it’s really kind of hard to take pictures. I would love to have another DSLR with the macro and the telephoto lenses. Those two were my favorites.

Taken with a macro lens. I was pretty close to him though!
Taken with a macro lens. I was pretty close to him though!

3. “My best friend and I have been best friends for all but six years of our lives!” I remember the day we met. We were in first grade, Miss. (Mean) Turner. We were standing in line for lunch I think, and somehow or another we decided we were best friends! She’d be able to tell you exactly what happened, because she’s cool like that. We did go for a period of nine years without really talking because she was in a horrible relationship. I’m so glad she made it out alive, and I’m so regretful that I didn’t try harder to get her out of there sooner. She’s closer than a sister and I failed her! Well, looks like I have some more to talk to my therapist about! Love you Heidi!

Why yes we do. We do rock!
Why yes we do. We do rock!

Oh boy this is going to be hard…. I don’t know 20 amazing facts about myself!

4. “When I was little, I was afraid of the weather.” It didn’t matter if it was sunny, windy, raining, snowing. I was afraid of it! I watched the weather man, Stu Siebol, like a hawk! Fall time scared me because it would get so windy I thought the trees were going to crash down on our house, or our house was going to get picked up off the ground. We went to Idaho once, and I thought we were in Ohio so I freaked out thinking we were going to have a tornado. I mean really freaked out. We were in Montana once and there was a really bad thunderstorm. We were in a house that was up on a hill. Well, you could hear and feel the lightening hitting the ground around us! I had good reasons to be afraid of the weather! I would hide under the bed. I was actually still afraid of thunderstorms up until I was 16! Oh and being up in the mountains while it was windy or thundering and lightening was the worst too! I always just knew those huge trees were going to come down on us!

Yes, I thought we were going to die because of how deep the snow was!
Yes, I thought we were going to die because of how deep the snow was!

5. “I sucked my thumb and rubbed the satin edges of my blanket, until I was in 6th grade.” And the only reason I stopped was because we had to go to stupid Camp Cispus! I don’t know how to spell that camp, but I hated it. I was homesick and tried to get my mom to come get me every day. It was way up by Mt. St. Helens, so she wouldn’t 😦 I made it though! And, I quit sucking my thumb! My grandparents tried everything to get me to stop. They put yucky tasting stuff on my thumb, put band aids on it, all sorts of different things. And I had my one favorite blanket. It was ugly brown but oh so thin and soft and had my favorite satin edges. I still rub the satin edges at 32 years old, but not of my favorite blankie. It was passed down to Brady who loved it so much he put holes in it. All the satin had come off. It was retired to the dump 😥 I did buy a new soft, satiny edges blankie though. It was a whopping $75, but worth every penny!

My new pink blankie in the top left corner under the blue sleeping bag. Next to the cute noodle ;)
My new pink blankie in the top left corner under the blue sleeping bag. Next to the cute noodle 😉

6. “I’m really superstitious, I just don’t let it be known.” A black cat ran in front of my car yesterday when I was dropping Alonzo off at his house. All I could think of was that I needed to get home and get in my chair where I was safe! I won’t write in journals because every time I write something good, something bad will happen and vice versa. It’s pretty horrible to be superstitious, but I’m telling ya. The shit is real! All those wives’ tales about being pregnant were true too. My boys all had slower heart beats, carried them all low, everything that went along with them being boys. Don’t EVER open an umbrella in the house if I’m present please 🙂 Thank you!

7. “One of the things that I hate the most is when people scare me on purpose.” I had an ex boyfriend that was a neat freak. I would always come home from work and just take my shoes off wherever I was. Well, he didn’t like that. He wanted them in the closet. So, his way of training me was to scare me! I would walk in the door and he’d be standing behind it when I closed it! That would scare the shit out of me! I hated him for that, but I did learn to put my shoes in the closet, and it didn’t take long 😉

8. “I love scary movies, but I don’t watch even a quarter of them because I’m hiding my face the whole time.” It took me five times before I actually watched the movie Saw. I had wanted it so bad and my boyfriend at the time bought it for me for Valentines’ Day. Wasn’t that nice of him? Anyways, I pick some real winners. So I hide my face throughout almost the whole movie because the anxiety just kills me. I want to watch it really bad, but I just can’t! Two more…. Think I can do it? I dunno! This should have been five amazing things about me! I’m starting to get tired!

9. “I was so depressed about turning 30 that I changed my birthday so I didn’t have to hear “Happy Birthday!”” I had never thought about turning 30 before. I had always thought about my life when I was in my twenties, but never past 29. Every birthday since 30 has been horrible. I’d rather not celebrate anymore. I like to celebrate other people’s birthdays, and give other people presents, but I don’t like my own! I don’t think I was supposed to live past 30 but for some stupid reason I did!

and finally!!!!

10!!!! “I leave the radio or tv on for my plants to listen to when I’m gone.” Yes, I know I’m weird. I know they were supposed to be amazing facts, but I really can’t think of anything amazing right now! My plants are pretty amazing. I used to have a lot and would take them out during the day, in the summer, and wash the dust off of them. I treated my plants better than I treated myself! They would get the good soil with Miracle Grow Moisture Control, just in case I forgot to water them. Now I have three plants. When I went into my depression I kinda gave up on them all. My plants are all in vases full of water right now. They were starts off of different plants, and I haven’t gotten around to planting them yet. I will once I move though! Gotta have some company ya know?

Well, I hope you enjoyed my kwirkinesses. That’s not even a word, but you know what I mean 🙂 I think it’s time for a few Ibuprofen’s and a little nappy nap. I hope you all have a wonderful day! I get to see my Heidi today! Yippeeee!!!!

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Posted in Blogging101, Miscellaneous

Dear My Noodles, My Dream Readers

Noodles,

I wish you would read this, and hopefully some day you will. I love you all so much, and all in such different ways. There’s so much I want to tell you, but I know you’re not interested at the moment. Maybe when You’re older you will be more interested in what I have to say to you.

I am sorry. I am sorry that I haven’t been there for you every waking moment that I should and could have been. I’m sorry that I have given you the ugly disease of depression. Hopefully it’s the only bad thing you get from me. Ok, let’s be serious. I’ve given you more than just depression that is bad, and I’m sorry for that. If I could be in your shoes every day, I would. Maybe I can be a Super Hero and take it from you so you don’t have to suffer anymore. When you are suffering, I am suffering. It breaks my heart to hear that kids are picking on you at school. I want to go to your school and flick them in the head, but I think I’d get in trouble for that.

I’m sorry that I gave up on you when you were just seven. It probably was for the best, but I will never forgive myself for letting you go. You belonged and still do belong with me, your mama. We were attached at the belly button for a whole nine months! That’s a long time, believe me! Even after they cut the cord so we weren’t attached anymore, I still loved you just as much. When you cried through the whole first night after we came home from the hospital, I still loved you. The tears streaming down my face right now are because I love you so much and am so regretful of what I have done. I just signed you over like you didn’t mean anything to me, but please do know that you mean the world to me. Just as much as the other noodles. I’m so glad that you’re such an easy going, happy kid. I’m so glad that you’re not mad at me, or do you just not show it?

I know you’re mad at me little noodle. I’m so very sorry for that too. Someone told me not to say I’m sorry, but to show it. How do I show you how sorry I am that I couldn’t protect you, and that the system failed you too? A bunch of liars have cause an uproar in your life. You’ve had to change schools, leave the only people you’ve known your whole life to live with one that was only around when it was convenient for him. You’re better than that Noodle. You won’t grow up to be like that. You’re going to break that ugly cycle that you’re a part of. I will live long enough to make sure of it. I hope and pray that soon you’ll be back in my arms. I miss all of the hugs you gave me everyday for no reason but because you love me. I know it’s hard right now, and I know you’re hearing a lot of bad stuff about your mama, but please know, in your heart, that your mama is not a bad person and loves you so much! I have done so much for you in your short little life because I love you so much. You needed a little extra help growing up, and who was there helping you? Your mama. Never once did I give up on you. I knew you’d be just fine.

Well Noodles, I have a lot more to say, and I’m sure I’ll write more of these for you. For now I’m going to close with I’m the proudest mama on the face of the earth, and probably to the moon and back too! You’re all so smart and so brave, who wouldn’t be proud of you? I love you more than anything, more than you think. I’ll show you how sorry I am when I find out how.

Love,

Mama