Relapse vs. Lapse

Today was group day. There were six of us. I really enjoy group. I’ve made a couple of friends but they are having a hard time staying clean. Their significant others are still addicts not wanting to go to treatment. If you’re a recovering addict you know how hard it is to be around drugs, even if they don’t do it around you.

I had a UA yesterday and saw one of the PA’s  (Physician Assistant). A PA is just like a doctor, besides they can’t prescribe narcotics. There are 2 two doctors there to sign the scripts.

Back to group, today we talked about the difference between relapse and lapse. I need to go back to last week. I saw the Dr last Thursday. The assistant told me not to do any opiates after 10am Wednesday. So, in my addict head I thought that meant go ahead and take some pills kinda like a good bye.

I took two 10mg oxycodone. It had been around three weeks since I took the last 80mg oxycontin. Those two oxy’s did get me a little high. I wanted more after they stopped working, but I didn’t take any because I knew I had to be in withdrawals to be put on suboxone.

In group today, the lady that runs our group told us the difference between a relapse and a lapse. I was counting the days from last Wednesday as my sober day. What I did was just a lapse. If I would’ve taken more opiates after the two that I took, and if I got back into the addiction full force, then I would have relapsed. A lapse is if you do drugs one time and don’t get back into the addiction.

I hope that makes sense. I’m not very good at describing things 😕 So because I lapsed and didn’t relapse I get to move my sober day to the original one, which is September 21st, 2015! I’m four weeks and eight days sober from opiates! This is the longest I’ve gone without oxy’s or Vicodin or any other opiates in seven and a half YEARS. I’m pretty proud of myself. I know some people say you’re not sober until you’re off the suboxone but this is my recovery and my life. If you can’t support me in this recovery, then don’t let the door hit you on your ass on the way out of my life!

I feel so good. I haven’t felt this great in as long as I can remember! I’m told this is the “honeymoon” part of treatment. After around four weeks it should level out and I should mellow out a bit.

I’m so happy I had the guts to do this! Going to treatment was probably the second best thing I have done in my life. The first was deciding to raise my kids and not having abortions or giving them up for adoption.

Well, I think I’m done with this post. Here’s a little mandala that I drew the other day. Have a great day or afternoon or night!

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Girl71282

Posted in love, Miscellaneous

Good Night Ramblings….

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I did a bad thing today. I relapsed on my new addiction. I thought I wouldn’t think of it at all. Then the birthdays come along, 12th & 16th. It even wished me a happy birthday. How come you always said a different day when I’d ask you when my birthday was? Another game? We like games, yes my addiction and me. I’m getting tired of them. I want my vacation in warm water!
This addiction is a bitch. They all are, duh. I think I will get rid of this addiction once and for all. Why keep anything you’ve given me…..which is nothing. It’s kind of hard to write this way. I wish I had the guts to just come out and say, “YES, I TEXT MY EX BECAUSE IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY AND THE STUPID MEMORY THING FROM FACEBOOK REMINDED ME THAT YOU MOVED LAST JULY! SO ALL THESE OTHER GOOD MEMORIES CAME UP, THEN THAT SONG COMES ON. FUCK IT’S 11:11! DR PHIL, I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE TO GO. FOR NOW.”
I caved to be told,  “you have a strong big heart for someone out there, if you haven’t already found one.” You know those kind of guys that are totally oblivious to the world when they’re into a game? That’s how it felt anyways. I’m gonna put a picture right there

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Who is that cute little rocker?! Oh is some crazy 33 years old “cute” girl.
I always wanted a little girl, secretly, I really love my boys and wouldn’t trade them for girl at any time. We’ll, if Brady doesn’t get a damn Job! Just kidding. I need to get a job. Why can’t it just be easy and I’m given one? I know, I know, life isn’t easy or it’d be called easy not life! Good have I heard that one a few times. Want in one hand, shit in the other…… a girl can wish, right? I love this song. It reminds me of the Galaxy club in the Muckleshoot in Auburn that one night. CRAZY night. We always have crazy nights/mornings! Wake up with one of us getting a concussion and not knowing how. And I’ll be back there Friday night.
So, I think I’m going to draw a little! Night!

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Girl71282