Posted in Elephant Journal, family, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

when ‘I love You’ comes

Here is another one from Elephant Journal that I just love. I wish I could write my feelings out like this. It is hard
going from having no feelings to feeling again. I’ve even tried to cover them up. I have learned over the past few months what my problem is, and now I’m determined to make those life changes. I will have to lose some things, but as long as I’ve got YOU babe to keep my head above the clouds, every little thing is gonna be alright.

“There is a sweet song rolling through my mind. It brings a bounce to my step, a smile to my lips, and that little mischievous, pulsing throb in the deepest parts of who I am.

Such music has become a part of me lately. It has defined my days and warmed my nights. Imagine that incredible beauty as you sit in stillness, as you sit in that holy place you’ve defined as yours, and the warm notes of a million lifetimes come pouring in through the little channels that tunnel deep into your soul.

That’s where I am, and that is where I find her.

In a world confused by me, she understands me. She brings my voice into tune, my heart into rhythm, my sight into focus. She has no need to question me, she is the answer. She is the rock that steadies the sands beneath my feet, and the wind that moves the clouds hiding the warmth I’d like to feel.

She doesn’t own my errors, she embraces them. She doesn’t try to dull my rough edges, they fit nicely with her own. She doesn’t see walls or barriers, she knows that where she lays with me there is nothing but open space, and that she is free.

She is genuine, not preaching a mantra of things she supposed to say. Her smile lights up my day because it flows so easily from her soul. Her voice comforts me, reminding me of the sweet lullabies I’ve heard a million times in my dreams.

Her mind entices me; it is not burdened by old ideas or conditioned rhetoric. She refreshes me, reminding me that I am me, and she is her, but we…well, we are fucking invincible.

In the vast stories of my life, in the many chapters, changes, transformations and lessons that have occurred, I am grateful. Grateful for the moments when I was hurt. Grateful for the moments when I was so cold, survival was never assured. I’m grateful for the pretenders who challenged my psyche, who dared question my integrity as I waited, patiently, for her to answer my call.

I’m grateful for the discipline I kept sacred, for the refusal to bend to the whims of others, and for the strength I was gifted in walking the path, staying the course and never, ever, forgetting.

Why am I so grateful?

Well, let’s just say that the words “I love you” should never be work.

They should flow mindlessly and mindfully at the same time, without effort and without hesitation. They should not be a promise of servitude, or of imprisonment, they should be a guarantee of the liberation we are all entitled to.

Those words should simply spill from your mouth when you least expect it, and they be recognized for the powerful testament of simplicity they truly are. When it takes more effort to hold them back than just say them, you should stop working so hard and let them fall out of you. They are truth, an embodiment of nothing but the truth, and we owe each other that precious gift.

We don’t owe each other tomorrow, we owe each other the truth of our now. We owe each other our moodiness, our fears, our darkness, our hugs, our kisses, our light, our joy as well as the monsters we may have created under our bed.

We don’t owe each other perfection, we owe each other the best of who we are regardless of what that means. We don’t owe each other sacrifice, we owe each other the promise that sacrifice is not necessary. We don’t owe each other security, we owe each other the promise of awareness, even when we find ourselves lost in the throes of unconsciousness.
We become the light bearer for each other not out of duty or effort, but out of the effortless fact that our light is all that need be. She shines effortlessly, like the full moon in the darkest forest, and that is enough for this traveler.

We don’t tell each other those little white lies often told to spare an unwanted emotion. We tell each other the truth, and  we trust each other enough to handle it. Our truth is fearless, as is our ability to hear it.

She may seem in flux to some, but to me she is a rock. She may seem conflicted to others, but to me she makes perfect sense. She may be a mistake to a few, but to me she is utter perfectionist.

She is the answer to my joyful aloneness, the embodiment of the Universe responding to my soul, a reminder of something forgotten but remembered, of a life lived many, many times before.

When all of that comes into being, when the stars align and the music plays, the words “I love you” simply spill from your lips before you’ve even realized you’ve said them.

Three words, a trinity of truth, of life, of a certain reality realized in a moment like the beginning of the Universe, expanding from the smallest space within to fill the vastness of eternity with potential, with creation, with the power of mind allied with the strength of heart.

It’s in those words we exist, and in those words we are filled with passion, with desire, and with hope.

It’s there we are standing, her and I. I can feel her fingers intertwined with mine, her very presence filling all of the once-empty spaces around me, in me, and through me. It’s the moment when “I love you” comes that it all seems so…so…perfect, so necessary.

You smile, you laugh, and if you are lucky enough to be a writer the words just flow out of you like breath. It’s there you know that it was all worth it, so all very worth it, and that you wouldn’t change a thing. It’s there that the past and future become the present moment, and it’s there you choose to live fully and eternally.

It’s there I am. It’s there she is. I think we’ve made a home here.”

Mary’s part 🙂
This is how I want my man to feel about me and ONLY me. Here’s what I’ve got to say……

Here I am – body and soul, all of my love and all of my baggage – all of me. Here I am with my wide opened arms ready to accept you, baggage and all into my heart.

I see you – father, son, brother, lover, the light and the darkness, the warrior and the scared little boy – all of you. I want you, crave the salty taste of your skin, I cry for you, for the harm that has been done to you, all of you, you and only you, just as you are. I have a place in my heart that’s been waiting for you. Please handle my heart with care as I will with yours.

Girl71282

Posted in Christmas lists, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

On the First Day of Christmas I Decided I Wanted!

Good day mates! It’s been a few days or weeks and I’m so sorry for that. I’ll make it up to you, and I promise that! I already know what I’m going to do! Ha! OK well this is the start of my Christmas list for this year. I’m doing this last minute, and from my phone, so I’ll apologize now for all those errors I’m making 😉
Really, all I want for Christmas is my boys. That’s all. Since they are making it next to impossible to do that, I decided I would make this totally unrealistic list of things I totally want, but are way far from my list of things I get.

Here’s day number 1!

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Bora Bora takes the blues away!

Double room upgrade, which means the more the merrier! Come one, come all, thank you for thinking of us this Christmas 😉 in very easy to get asking with, for a week or two….. You will not make a mistake in buying this to keep my mind occupied this winter! Love you!

Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

10 Amazing Facts About ME!

I am going to pick 10 little things to say about myself. I probably should have done this when I first started the blog, but that’s ok. I’m sure someone out there will be curious about me! Here we go!

1. “I love to draw” Now I’m sure you all know this or at least kinda figured that out, but did you know that I just started utilizing my drawing talents in February of this year?I have always wanted to be an artist. My first memories are of me telling someone that I wanted to be an Artists, a Dr., a teacher, and a mommy when I grew up and I wanted twins. A boy named Scott and a girl named Lisa. In February I somehow found Zentangle which has brought out the artist in me, and I’m so glad. I’ve just recently started to draw things that actually look like something. Like this wolf! Can you tell it’s a wolf, howling at the moon?

My very first wolf drawing :)
My very first wolf drawing 🙂

2.  “I have ADHD and the only thing I can concentrate on, without the help of meds, is taking photographs.” Pretty much sums it up! I love getting down with the macro lens on, and getting the butt of a bee that is all yellow from the pollen. Photography used to calm me down. I was able to be mindful. Be in the moment. It was nice. Now all I have is my phone camera, and I shake so badly it’s really kind of hard to take pictures. I would love to have another DSLR with the macro and the telephoto lenses. Those two were my favorites.

Taken with a macro lens. I was pretty close to him though!
Taken with a macro lens. I was pretty close to him though!

3. “My best friend and I have been best friends for all but six years of our lives!” I remember the day we met. We were in first grade, Miss. (Mean) Turner. We were standing in line for lunch I think, and somehow or another we decided we were best friends! She’d be able to tell you exactly what happened, because she’s cool like that. We did go for a period of nine years without really talking because she was in a horrible relationship. I’m so glad she made it out alive, and I’m so regretful that I didn’t try harder to get her out of there sooner. She’s closer than a sister and I failed her! Well, looks like I have some more to talk to my therapist about! Love you Heidi!

Why yes we do. We do rock!
Why yes we do. We do rock!

Oh boy this is going to be hard…. I don’t know 20 amazing facts about myself!

4. “When I was little, I was afraid of the weather.” It didn’t matter if it was sunny, windy, raining, snowing. I was afraid of it! I watched the weather man, Stu Siebol, like a hawk! Fall time scared me because it would get so windy I thought the trees were going to crash down on our house, or our house was going to get picked up off the ground. We went to Idaho once, and I thought we were in Ohio so I freaked out thinking we were going to have a tornado. I mean really freaked out. We were in Montana once and there was a really bad thunderstorm. We were in a house that was up on a hill. Well, you could hear and feel the lightening hitting the ground around us! I had good reasons to be afraid of the weather! I would hide under the bed. I was actually still afraid of thunderstorms up until I was 16! Oh and being up in the mountains while it was windy or thundering and lightening was the worst too! I always just knew those huge trees were going to come down on us!

Yes, I thought we were going to die because of how deep the snow was!
Yes, I thought we were going to die because of how deep the snow was!

5. “I sucked my thumb and rubbed the satin edges of my blanket, until I was in 6th grade.” And the only reason I stopped was because we had to go to stupid Camp Cispus! I don’t know how to spell that camp, but I hated it. I was homesick and tried to get my mom to come get me every day. It was way up by Mt. St. Helens, so she wouldn’t 😦 I made it though! And, I quit sucking my thumb! My grandparents tried everything to get me to stop. They put yucky tasting stuff on my thumb, put band aids on it, all sorts of different things. And I had my one favorite blanket. It was ugly brown but oh so thin and soft and had my favorite satin edges. I still rub the satin edges at 32 years old, but not of my favorite blankie. It was passed down to Brady who loved it so much he put holes in it. All the satin had come off. It was retired to the dump 😥 I did buy a new soft, satiny edges blankie though. It was a whopping $75, but worth every penny!

My new pink blankie in the top left corner under the blue sleeping bag. Next to the cute noodle ;)
My new pink blankie in the top left corner under the blue sleeping bag. Next to the cute noodle 😉

6. “I’m really superstitious, I just don’t let it be known.” A black cat ran in front of my car yesterday when I was dropping Alonzo off at his house. All I could think of was that I needed to get home and get in my chair where I was safe! I won’t write in journals because every time I write something good, something bad will happen and vice versa. It’s pretty horrible to be superstitious, but I’m telling ya. The shit is real! All those wives’ tales about being pregnant were true too. My boys all had slower heart beats, carried them all low, everything that went along with them being boys. Don’t EVER open an umbrella in the house if I’m present please 🙂 Thank you!

7. “One of the things that I hate the most is when people scare me on purpose.” I had an ex boyfriend that was a neat freak. I would always come home from work and just take my shoes off wherever I was. Well, he didn’t like that. He wanted them in the closet. So, his way of training me was to scare me! I would walk in the door and he’d be standing behind it when I closed it! That would scare the shit out of me! I hated him for that, but I did learn to put my shoes in the closet, and it didn’t take long 😉

8. “I love scary movies, but I don’t watch even a quarter of them because I’m hiding my face the whole time.” It took me five times before I actually watched the movie Saw. I had wanted it so bad and my boyfriend at the time bought it for me for Valentines’ Day. Wasn’t that nice of him? Anyways, I pick some real winners. So I hide my face throughout almost the whole movie because the anxiety just kills me. I want to watch it really bad, but I just can’t! Two more…. Think I can do it? I dunno! This should have been five amazing things about me! I’m starting to get tired!

9. “I was so depressed about turning 30 that I changed my birthday so I didn’t have to hear “Happy Birthday!”” I had never thought about turning 30 before. I had always thought about my life when I was in my twenties, but never past 29. Every birthday since 30 has been horrible. I’d rather not celebrate anymore. I like to celebrate other people’s birthdays, and give other people presents, but I don’t like my own! I don’t think I was supposed to live past 30 but for some stupid reason I did!

and finally!!!!

10!!!! “I leave the radio or tv on for my plants to listen to when I’m gone.” Yes, I know I’m weird. I know they were supposed to be amazing facts, but I really can’t think of anything amazing right now! My plants are pretty amazing. I used to have a lot and would take them out during the day, in the summer, and wash the dust off of them. I treated my plants better than I treated myself! They would get the good soil with Miracle Grow Moisture Control, just in case I forgot to water them. Now I have three plants. When I went into my depression I kinda gave up on them all. My plants are all in vases full of water right now. They were starts off of different plants, and I haven’t gotten around to planting them yet. I will once I move though! Gotta have some company ya know?

Well, I hope you enjoyed my kwirkinesses. That’s not even a word, but you know what I mean 🙂 I think it’s time for a few Ibuprofen’s and a little nappy nap. I hope you all have a wonderful day! I get to see my Heidi today! Yippeeee!!!!

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Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

This Is For Me

So don’t go getting a big ego. I’m doing everything I’m doing for myself. You think you’re so smart and know exactly what’s going to happen because SHE did that to you. I’M NOT HER! I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and listen to you tell me how my life is going to turn out just because that’s how HER life is! And what makes you so God damned perfect?  Who gives you the right to judge me? What are you doing with your life? What have you done with it? The future I see for us is what I see. You’ve never told me any of your dreams or what you want. What do you want? You expect me to sit here and listen to you because you’re an alcoholic and you were with a junkie girlfriend so you must know everything! I cheated on my boyfriend or better yet, my best friend, to be with you. I guess you’re right. It’s all just my dreams and fantasies. It’s not real.
This is the last prescription I’m getting. I have one job and am actively seeking another so I can have my own place with my children. My paychecks will be put towards rent, electricity, insurance, wsg, my children’s savings accounts, and food to put on the table. This isn’t my first Rodeo. I’ve lived on my own before, when I was 21 until I was 26. With 2 kids. By MYSELF! I wasn’t 40 years old before I moved out on my own. I haven’t lived 20 years of my life being a freeloader. Quit treating me like I don’t know what I’m doing! Quit treating me like I’m stupid! Listen to what I have to say and you’ll see in not HER! I’m not an irresponsible 20 something year old with six kids and no teeth! It’s too bad she ruined you. We had something good. But you’re so closed minded, ignorant, and just plain egotistical that you’re blind. And now you try to ridicule me. Make fun of me. That really makes me feel a lot better. Well, even a month from now you’re going to see a whole new person, and maybe this person won’t want to put up with your closed mind anymore. You’re not the only fish in the sea and I will realize that. If I didn’t, I’d be just as closed minded as you.

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Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

A Story of A 10 Year Old Noodle

10 years ago at this moment, I was enjoying some peace and quiet after just being bombarded with a room full of people I didn’t know. The phone rang. It was your father. He wanted to know how many jugs of milk I could pump out so he could take you for a visit. Funny how he didn’t care when you were in my tummy. All those people he brought up to the hospital didn’t even know about you Noodle, until the day you were born.

The Night I Found Out I Was Pregnant With Middle Noodle.
The Night I Found Out I Was Pregnant With Middle Noodle.

It was 6:00am on November 12th, 2004. It was a crisp, clear fall morning. 6:00 was pretty early considering I didn’t get a wink of sleep the night before. I was so excited to see you Noodle! I had been patiently waiting for nine whole months! The hospital staff escorted us up to a room. Grandma and Aunt Susan had come with me to see you come into the world. Your dad showed up a little bit later. At first they just put the IV in me and started giving me some fluids and pectocin. That is medicine that makes mama dilate faster. Makes the contractions harder and faster. Contractions are like cramps in your belly. It’s the uterus’s way of pushing you out into the world! It’s pretty amazing.

Mama had back labor with you. It felt like a sharp, hot knife, ripping through my back. So, since it was so painful I decided I was ready for my epidural. Well, by that time I was already dilated to 7cm, and at 10cm is when I would push you out. Since the epidural was given to me so late, it didn’t work. It couldn’t work it’s way up to where the pain was because you were so far down into the birth canal already. Boy was I ready to have you! They gave me extra pectocin when they gave me the epidural because epidurals can slow the labor down.

Before I knew it, it was time to push! One push! Two push! Three Push! There’s the noodle’s head! Four push! Noodle is here! You were put on my chest immediately. You cried, but that was a good thing. Then you started shaking a little bit too much, so they took you from me. They did a blood test to make sure you weren’t diabetic. To make sure your sugar level was ok, and it was. They cleaned you off, wrapped you up, and gave you to everyone in the room, and then back to me.

I was so in love with you. You were 7lbs. 5oz, and 20 inches long. Just perfect. Your APGAR scores were 9/10. Everything was perfect about you! 10 toes and 10 little fingers. We had to stay in the hospital that night and I believe we went home the next day or two after. The first day in our house was a little scary. I had never been alone and was feeling very sad. I wanted your father to be there with us.

You cried the whole first night we were home. It didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t make you happy. Then I tried rocking you in the rocking chair and guess what? You fell right to sleep. That’s how we slept the first six weeks of your life. I had to go back to work when you were six weeks old, and you stayed with Aunt Susan during the day. Everyone I showed you to fell in love with you instantly.

That’s the story of the day I met you, Noodle. I will never forget it. I love you!163966_473824067956_2111981_n 217221_4905512956_3180_n Dakota with guitar

Posted in Miscellaneous

Imma Slacker

I’ve totally been slacking on the NaBloPoMo and I feel horrible!!!! So, today I’m going to write at least two. This one is going to be an update on my wacky life, and the other one will be a prompt, because I think I liked the prompt for once. If it’s one I don’t like, I will just choose from a different list I have.

So, today was my first day at Michael’s! Yay! I work at a craft store!!! I had to be there yesterday at 10am for the interview, and I knew the girl that interviewed me! We went to Junior High together, and she remembered me. I felt flattered considering I didn’t remember her at first. She went by a different name in school. Anyways, so she did the background check yesterday and then told me to come in at 10am today! I did all the new hire stuff and started on the training. I forgot my glasses at the bf’s apartment, so it was a little difficult reading all the stuff. My head hurt by the time three hours had gone by.

I work again next Wednesday from 1pm to 5pm, and then I don’t know when again. I hope I work on Thanksgiving. It’s double time and a half, or some crazy stuff like that. I am a little tired right now! I got off work at 1pm and then came home to change into my interview outfit. Why you ask? Well I had an interview too! I have this little plan. I’m going to work myself to death, just so I can live comfortably and be able to provide for myself and my children, comfortably. So, Michaels is going to be my part-time, evenings and weekends job.

My interview went excellent. I scored higher than average on all of the testing, but of course I would!! I did score a little low in the 10 key, so I need to practice a bit and retake the test. Of course all of the jobs that are available right now you have to have faster 10 key than I did  😦

I have so much to do right now, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed! I’m kinda glad I don’t have to work until next week, but it would be nice to have more than seven hours on my first paycheck. I might just spend it all there! It wouldn’t be hard to do! Actually I think I’m going to get my hair done first thing. My poor, poor hair 😦 It’s been neglected for far too long. It’s tri-colored right now. I hate it! It’s that ugly color that brunettes get from going lighter. That ugly auburn color. Yuck. I think I will just dye it all black. A black that looks a little purple too. That should be good. And I think I’m going to go back to bangs again too.

The CPS lady came out today, but she didn’t come in. I don’t know what she wanted, but I have a hunch. I’m glad I’ve been taking pictures of when I feed the boys. Now I have proof! My case has been closed, so there’s no reason she should be out here. I don’t wanna write about that evil witch, so I’m going to end this on a good note….

I finally have a job!!!! I didn’t tell anyone about it either! Only the most important people in my life, and then not even all of them. I didn’t tell my dad, just because my mind is so scattered and I forgot. That’s the only reason I didn’t tell people, and I have a little superstition. If I tell a lot of people that I might have gotten a job, then I end up not getting it. If I don’t say anything, then I end up getting it! It works!

Ok, I’m off to write a post about something. Maybe just a story. I don’t think I’ve written just a story yet. Logo

Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

New York City!

New York City. Some, most love the town. To me? It scares the hell out of me! I always envision a dark, gloomy place with bums and gangsters trying to sell fake gold watches.
And if I were to drive in New York City? I think I would get killed because of my road rage. I prefer driving over walking. I was about ready to put the smack down on people tonight that were going 25 in a 30! I know it’s only 5 mph, but it feels like a while huge difference! Plus my speedometer is set for 40 in town.
I don’t know why I’ve always been afraid of New York City. I mean there are worse places like Chicago! Maybe because here in central Washington you hear more about new York City than you do Chicago. All those people! That’s a good thing about being short. You can just navigate your way through the crowds and they don’t even notice!
I’d probably have a better chance of getting a job in New York City. I’m not having very much luck in this small town and I can’t move for a few more years out of the city.

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Gloomy new York City. I wonder how their Chinese food is?

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Posted in Arts and Crafts, Doodles, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo, Zentangle

Oops, I Missed A Day!

I accidentally missed yesterday’s prompt, but actually I did it the other day because I thought it was the 5th when it was really the 4th. So what should I do? I think I’ll just do the one for the 6th, maybe. Depends on if I like it 😉

Do I consider myself a professional blogger…..  That’ll be easy 🙂 Negative. No. Nope. Not at all. I do this for me mostly because I’m selfish that way. I think to be a professional blogger you have to have more than the wee amount of followers that I do, more comments that I get, and maybe even get paid in some way? If ya’ll want to start paying me, you’re more than welcome to! I would think I would need to have a domain without WordPress in it.

Thank you to everyone that does follow me, and read my crazy thoughts and ideas. I haven’t written about many ideas lately, but I sure do have a whole bunch saved on my phone. I just need to learn how to use power tools and then I can start posting them! I don’t think I’m strong enough for regular tools.

Thank you to everyone that “likes” my posts, for I know they aren’t that interesting. They’re just ramblings of my life which is really boring! I’ve been applying for jobs, so hopefully soon I’ll have a whole new section on the rumors that are going around at work. That would be interesting. I’m also going to be moving after I get that high paying job, so maybe I’ll do a “House Make-Over” section! That’s not totally played out yet. Hey look at me and all my prettiness while you real people have messy houses!

So, since I like to talk about my boring life, I had a not so boring thing just happen. My 16 year old Noodle came home with an attitude and won’t tell me what’s wrong. That’s not like him. He always tells me. I know he hasn’t been taking his medication for depression like he’s supposed to, so maybe that’s it. I sure hope not. He was doing so well. Maybe it’s because he knows about the break up between the bf and me, which I specifically asked for him not to be brought into it. Maybe it’s the weather! That’s been my reason for everything lately. He’s gonna be really mad when he find out I’m leaving after I post this and take a shower. Uh oh. I’ll ask him to go with me. He’ll say no, but at least I asked. I don’t like it when my noodles are sad 😦

I’ve been drawing all day. I’d post it, but I’m not comfortable with it yet. Maybe some day I’ll post a real drawing and not just a Tangle. Tangles are fun though. Everyone sees different things. It’s great! Kind of like looking at clouds and trying to decide if they look like a dog or a heart. I can put one of those on here I suppose. It’s a Duo Tangle. Only two tangles were used and the string is a heart. So, not so much trying to figure out what it is I drew. Sorry guys! Maybe tonight I’ll draw a weird looking one ya’ll can trip out on.

Well, that’s about it for today. The answer to your prompt is no, I’m not a professional blogger, and yes I have a long ways to go to become one. Love you! 1459308_10152461223332957_6739682057093752865_nLogo

Posted in Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

NaBloPoMo!

***CAUTION COULD UPSET YOU IF YOU READ IT!!!***

Wow! NaBloPoMo? “What in the hell is that,” you’re probably wondering. Well, it’s this totally awesome event for November. It’s National Blog Posting Month. I have committed to write one blog post for every day in November. Not just here and there, like I usually do, but EVERY day!!! I’m actually really excited about it. There are some awesome prompts that can be used, and I have a lot of every day things to write about. I’ve been doing a lot of tangling and just practice drawing, and haven’t posted any of them.

I found out about NaBloPoMo from BlogHer. Do you know what BlogHer is? Here is a little bit about them from their website; “BlogHer is a platform for sharing great voices, stories, and ideas. BlogHer Inc., is a new kind of media company, created in partnership by, for and with women, and men, who are leaders across blogs and social media and are passionately commited to quality content.” A good FaceBook friend of mine, Karen, introduced me to BlogHer and I’ve really enjoyed most of the posts. Some I don’t agree with, but that’s life, right? We can’t always agree with everyone!

Today is November 5th, 2014. The blog prompt for today is, “Do you feel you have found your voice on your blog? What techniques have you tried to develop your voice in your writing? What are some characteristics of your personality in your writing?” This seems a little difficult for me. I’m a little apprehensive about my blog. I feel as if I only write when I want to complain about something that has been bugging me. It’s almost like a journal to me. I hope I don’t seem that way in real life! I don’t want to be a Debby Downer!

I like variety, as you can probably see. I like arts and crafts and music and so on and so on. I do like a lot of things! I love that I have a new found talent in drawing. I’ve always felt the need to draw, or the desire to do it, but have never felt that I was any good. I can’t draw a straight line even with a ruler! Through Zentangle, I have realized that it’s ok to make mistakes, and those mistakes don’t need to be erased. Just as in life, you can’t erase your mistakes. You can either dwell over them, or you can make something beautiful out of them. I have three children that weren’t planned, but I sure as hell don’t consider them mistakes! They are my babies. My little joys that put a smile on my face every minute of the day. I am so proud of my boys and I know that they are who they are today because of me.

Unfortunately I was a little irresponsible and ended up having three boys with three different boys. I would call them men, but they haven’t proven to be yet. I’m still waiting! These boys weren’t in their children’s lives until the kids were at the fun age and didn’t have to wear diapers anymore. My oldest Noodle didn’t meet his dad until he was 10. He still doesn’t have a good relationship with him. My middle Noodle’s dad would come around on my Noodle’s birthday and Christmas. He was told by my youngest Noodles father that he either needed to see him every other weekend as was in the parenting plan, or not at all. I didn’t hear from him again for two years in which I had called him to see if he wanted to start his visitations. Noodle was five, almost six. My youngest Noodle’s dad has been in his life since he was born, but for the past four years he’s only been allowed to see him for eight hours a week. He was supposed to take a parenting class and then he could go back to court to get his visitations increased, but he chose not to. His girlfriend and her five kids were more important to him. Now he has temporary custody and it’s killing me. That’s another day’s story though.

I love my kids more than anything and even though two of the three aren’t with me full time right now, everything I do is for them. I’ve been trying to get a job so I can move out and become independent again. That’s me. Mrs. Independent. I would rather work 100 hours a week than depend on anyone, like I am now, which is not fun for me. I feel like such a freeloader. I know I’m not, but I still have that little voice saying, “Mary, get off your butt and get a job!” I can’t wait until the day I get the keys to my next place. Or even the day I get an interview and they say, “You’re what we’ve been looking for and you’re hired!” That day will come. It has to. I have put my resume out to about 50 different places, and this isn’t a very big town. I’ve had responses from three of the jobs, and they are job staffing agencies. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I want an actual job to contact me.

I’m so thankful for my friend/ex boyfriend. He is nice enough to let me stay and freeload off of him until I find that job and that perfect place to live. We’ve been friends since 2002, and together since 2012. I’ve lived with him the past year. We’ve had our ups and downs, but what couple doesn’t? I broke his heart a week ago. I did the unthinkable. I cheated. How could I have done that to such a great guy? A guy that let me and my three kids move in with him and his two kids that he has full time. I do provide the food, but that’s it. I just feel totally worthless and useless for what I have done. On the other hand I cannot seem to distance myself from the man I cheated with. I have tried countless times, which in turn hurt him and made him feel resentment towards me.

He needed me yesterday. I’m blaming the bi-polar, you can call it what you want. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me and had nobody else, because I was sleeping. I was coming down for a slightly manic phase and when I do that I sleep for hours upon hours. This is why I have a hard time keeping a job. This isn’t the first time I have let him down because of sleeping. Now he won’t talk to me and I have no idea of his prognosis. You’re probably thinking, “That’s what ya get ya dirty whore!” But really? Does anyone deserve to be hurt? Even the ones that hurt us?

I push people away from me and I believe I do that so I don’t hurt them. One thing about not having a job, is that I sit here and think, and think, and think all day long. I have almost considered myself crazy because of all the stuff I was thinking up. That’s when I decided I needed to get a job and get out. Not for him, but for me. I need to be Mrs. Independent again because that’s what makes me happy. I’ve got it backwards. I want to be the breadwinner. I want to be the one that works 60 hours a week and come home to a nice clean house, dinner, and kids that are fed, homework is done, and they’re ready to spend some time with me before going to bed.

I dream of this house with my children and Him, all of us sitting on the couch, the boys inched up to the TV more so they can see the big bad Halo guy. He plays with my children. He laughs with them and makes them laugh and shows them how it is to be happy, even though he isn’t himself. It’s always the “happy” ones that take their lives. You know why that is? If you know would you tell me please? One of the reasons I fell in love with this Man is because he could make me laugh every day. He would laugh at himself, which would make me laugh at him. “What are you thinking Mary? Look at who you’re going to be with! Look at my hair sticking out everywhere! What a dork! And you’re going to leave him to be with this? What are you thinking?!”

Guess I wasn’t thinking. I see the picture now clearly. We didn’t have our snowball fight. We didn’t get into that house with the couch inched up to the TV to see the bad Halo guys. I messed it up. I haven’t cried over a boy in ten years. I have cried the most I have ever cried in the past few weeks. It doesn’t get any better. I don’t know how it did before because I sure don’t see an end to this heartbreak. Ten years ago we didn’t have FaceBook to spy on the ones we wanted to be with. Now I see all these things he posts and think they’re pointed toward me, which I’m sure the ones about being a worthless slut are, and it’s driving me crazy. Just delete him, you say. I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose any type of connection between the two of us and FaceBook is all I have right now.

Right now I am again hurting someone. Someone that has been so dear to me for so long. He’s my bestie. I can tell him anything, and now I really feel like I can tell him anything. He says he loves me but I think I’m just here for the company. I’m not very good company considering I don’t talk much. We do have some good conversations sometimes, especially when we’re driving. We both like to just drive to clear our heads, but I always want to go with him when he wants to go by himself. I’m a little selfish with him. He gives me what I want if he can.

This is why I have decided to become Mrs. Independent again. I won’t hurt anyone. I don’t hurt my kids. Maybe I’ll save up for a new camera and start doing photography again. I used to LOVE taking pictures. Especially of children and macros. Children are so innocent and they don’t have to pose. You just make them laugh and you have a great picture! Macros make me concentrate so hard, and I love it! It takes a lot for me to just do one thing at a time. Like now, I’m talking to the oldest Noodle, smoking a cigarette, typing this, and sending text messages to a friend. The friend that I am living with that I have hurt. Oh and I’m listening to the TV too. Gotta love Dr. G: Medical Examiner on Discovery Health! No I was not paid to say that. I do like the show!

Well, this turned into a depressing post so I think I’ll just end it now and do some tangling. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Maybe it’s the weather. It’s all cloudy and windy here in the Pacific Northwest. Fall is here! Today reminds me of Thanksgiving when I was younger. I used to be so afraid of the wind. I was afraid of weather period. Thunder, lightening, being too hot, too cold, fog. Everything! I’m not anymore though 😉 So there is hope for me! Have a great day readers and I hope I didn’t put you in a gloomy mood!