Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Mental Health, opiate addiction, treatment

Week Four, Day Six

I can hold the sun up with one finger! This was a fun night. Taken in Prosser, Washington.
I can hold the sun up with one finger! This was a fun night. Taken in Prosser, Washington.

One more day and it would’ve been five weeks since I took any oxy’s. I’m a little confused. I decided to go down to Ideal Options, a local Suboxone and outpatient treatment center. If you click on Ideal Options, it should take you to their website. They’re so nice there. They want to change people’s lives. The picture above is when I was still using oxy’s and smoking weed. I have also quit smoking weed. The treatment center is an abstinence only clinic.

I know there’s a lot of debate over if you should go from opiates to Suboxone, which is also an opiate. I’m going to give you some information about Suboxone that I received from my doctor yesterday.

It’s a longer lasting medication that consists of 8mg buprenophine and 2mg of naloxone. A benefit of it being a longer acting medication means you only have to take your prescribed amount once a day. They are little orange film strips that you let dissolve under your tongue, one strip at a time. It is disgusting. I might wean myself a little sooner than later just because of the taste.

Buprenophine is an opiate that binds with receptors in your brain. The naloxone is a medication that will kick the buprenophine  and any other opiate off the receptors and then bind to them itself, IF the Suboxone is injected. I’m not sure if you do other opiates if the same thing happens. Click HERE for more information about Suboxone.

One of the requirements of getting on the Suboxone program is that you have to start therapy sessions before you can be prescribed the medication. I had a chemical dependency assessment on Monday, group on Tuesday, and the Dr. on Thursday. Usually I would have group on Tuesdays and Thursday, see the Dr. on Thursday, and see my therapist on Friday. I’m so busy with all of these appointments that I really can’t get a job. I saw one job for US Cellular, and I want it! It’s full time but they also put that if you need to be part time first then that’s fine. I really want it.

Now on to the day I was in withdrawals. That would have been Thursday. I acquired some 10mg oxy’s because I thought it would put me into withdrawals, and you have to be moderately in withdrawals to start Suboxone, otherwise it throws you into full fledged withdrawals.

One thing I’ve learned is that there is no reason to be early. They are a very busy clinic, only having two doctor days, and group is supposed to start at 10 but doesn’t start until 10:30am. My first group was nice. There were only four of us which was nice because I was nervous. I had to introduce myself and my drugs. I did a lot of listening to the other women. Two of them were struggling with heroin use and meth. They did meth because they wanted to feel something and knew they couldn’t do heroin. I felt bad for them. I’ve never done meth but I do know how they feel about the heroin. I’ve never actually done heroin, but when you do the amount of pills I was doing, and mixing with Benzos, it’s pretty much the same thing. I didn’t abuse my Klonopin.

Next was doctor day. I was nervous so I scored a little higher than I should have on the COWS assessment. With as many as the oxy’s I was taking, they decided to put me on two strips a day and possibly move up to three.COWS_induction_flow_sheet (If you were wondering what this consists of, here ya go!)

When I got home, I followed the instructions they sent home with me. I started with one and then in an hour I took another one. Let’s just say it knocked me on my ass. I slept the rest of that day and the next day.  I woke up on Friday and was in the best mood! I didn’t get tired, if anything I had more energy than normal. I did some painting which I hadn’t done for quite a while. It felt good. I was also able to concentrate really well. Not bad enough that I was over focusing though. I didn’t feel high. I just felt good. Happy. Not depressed!

Around 5:00pm that night I started to feel restless and not very good again. I decided to try a half of one film strip. That did the job. You are not supposed to take them at different times of the day because that reinforces drug abusing behavior. So this morning I took 2 1/2 and I’ve felt good all day, even with no sleep last night. It did keep me up and I’m supposed to be getting off of the Klonopin, so I don’t know what I’m going to do to get to sleep now. I’ll figure something out, and maybe I’ll even find a really good online support group that will help me.

I am weird, but you still love me! This is four week clean Mary.
I am weird, but you still love me! This is four week clean Mary.

Now, is it week four, day six, or is it three days? I like the four weeks better, but I guess I did “relapse.” I feel so much better. I don’t feel like my head is in the clouds anymore. I feel like I want to get up, shower, write, paint, anything! I just love this feeling! It’s not even a high. It’s just at ease and at peace with myself. I don’t feel like I have to stuff my feelings. If I don’t like something you will now know. And if I do like something I’ll be sure to tell ya.

Well, 963 words later, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and read up on some of my recovery books that I downloaded on the Kindle app. There are quite a few addiction ebooks that are free right now. Maybe I’ll do a book review of one. I haven’t done that in a long time.

Have a nice night, and thanks for reading about this big journey I’m going through!

SOBER MARY!
SOBER MARY!
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Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

This Is For Me

So don’t go getting a big ego. I’m doing everything I’m doing for myself. You think you’re so smart and know exactly what’s going to happen because SHE did that to you. I’M NOT HER! I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and listen to you tell me how my life is going to turn out just because that’s how HER life is! And what makes you so God damned perfect?  Who gives you the right to judge me? What are you doing with your life? What have you done with it? The future I see for us is what I see. You’ve never told me any of your dreams or what you want. What do you want? You expect me to sit here and listen to you because you’re an alcoholic and you were with a junkie girlfriend so you must know everything! I cheated on my boyfriend or better yet, my best friend, to be with you. I guess you’re right. It’s all just my dreams and fantasies. It’s not real.
This is the last prescription I’m getting. I have one job and am actively seeking another so I can have my own place with my children. My paychecks will be put towards rent, electricity, insurance, wsg, my children’s savings accounts, and food to put on the table. This isn’t my first Rodeo. I’ve lived on my own before, when I was 21 until I was 26. With 2 kids. By MYSELF! I wasn’t 40 years old before I moved out on my own. I haven’t lived 20 years of my life being a freeloader. Quit treating me like I don’t know what I’m doing! Quit treating me like I’m stupid! Listen to what I have to say and you’ll see in not HER! I’m not an irresponsible 20 something year old with six kids and no teeth! It’s too bad she ruined you. We had something good. But you’re so closed minded, ignorant, and just plain egotistical that you’re blind. And now you try to ridicule me. Make fun of me. That really makes me feel a lot better. Well, even a month from now you’re going to see a whole new person, and maybe this person won’t want to put up with your closed mind anymore. You’re not the only fish in the sea and I will realize that. If I didn’t, I’d be just as closed minded as you.

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Posted in Uncategorized

A New Doodle!

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It has been a long time since I have “doodled” anything. I don’t want to call it tangling because these are just random lines and circles. I did realize that my stress level drops immensly while drawing, even if it’s just simple lines and circles.

What is the true definition of 2entangle? Could it just be the simplicity of being in a calm, relaxed, non-stressed state of mind, while drawing without the final result in mind ? Or is that doodling? why do I , or we, have to have an Official name for relieving yourself from the stresses of daily life?

Sitting outside, smoking my cigarette, looking at the way the trees are once again turning colors, listening to the sound of the cars passing by and the workers in the hop fields is also relaxing to me.

And then my mind wanders. I start to feel my heart race. I feel a bead of sweat roll down my face, or is that a tear? All of a sudden my thoughts turn to why’s , what if’s, and why nots.

I have been criticized for being a 32 year old Kid. “All you do is color. You Know you have children now, so why don’t you stop acting like one?” Now my stomach is in knots and I feel like I have been neglecting my children because I’m trying to Keep the anxiety and frustrations away. Medicine puts me to sleep and doesn’t make my problems go away!

Ugh! I love my children so much. They are what keeps me breathing. When I start to feel all Of these overwhelming feelings I try to bring on positive thoughts and remember all Of the good times.

Then the depression slips in and tells me I should be providing for my Children like I used to when I worked and could afford to make awesome memories with them.

Guilt, shame, worthlessness. The tears are there and really want to come out, but then I would be wallowing in self pity.

Mom sounds happy, like she used to!” This little, short sentence turned my Self pity into guilt at first. Then after talking with a counselor about it, I felt determined. I was going to be the happy, fun-loving mother that I Used to be.

When I was pregnant with my middle noodle (that’s my boys in Mary language), I worked at the Yakima Regional Cancer Care Center with the most wonderful people around. I was having a bad day and being really negative. One of the nurses came up to me and said, “You’re going to have a crabby baby if you don’t stop being so negative.” I didn’t hear another word she said, and was the happiest pregnant woman ever! Guess what? My middle noodle was the easiest baby, toddler, and just child all around. He was so happy and everyone fell in love with him the moment they met him. They still do.

I really doubt that my attitude had anything to do with the way my middle noodle turned out, but I like to think it did. Right now I feel helpless.

In 2012, after a series of huge stressors, I decided I would allow his father custody of him until I was back up on my feet again. We decided that it would be for about six months, but would do the permanent custody arrangement for the major decision making reasons and to make sure noodle number two was getting the most out of life we could give him. BIGGEST mistake of my life EVER! I would’ve had my boy back a year and six months ago if someone didn’t keep trying to push me down! This is a story for another post, but this little nine year old Noodle is now being alienated from me, the only one that had ever been there for him. I have to watch him become so anxious that he gets physically ill because he doesn’t want to go back to his father’s house. Not just for a couple hours, but pretty much two days before he has to leave. I feel so helpless! I’m supposed to be the one to protect him from the bad guys, not hand him over to one!

That’s all about that situation for now. Things will be changing for the better soon. I can’t watch my child go through this!

Well, it’s 4:25pm and it’s just about time for the middle Noodle to leave for a week. I need to close this up and spend these last few moments with him. I love my Noodles! All three of them, and will do anything for them. That’s what mother’s are for, right?

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Posted in Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness

mental_health_awareness_butterfly_ribbon_ornament-rff6284df03a440279fe779e815a8fec0_x7s2y_8byvr_324After much debating in my already tangled head, I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to start a blog about mental health, as I am a survivor and advocate. It’s not a hush hush issue anymore! Not with me around! So I’m going to do some research, and get this all organized in my brain. This is a hard thing for me to do as my brain is just a big jumbled mess right now.

One thing that I think is fair to tell you is my diagnose(s). I am Bi-Polar 1, Anorexic, Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and I believe that’s it 🙂 I’ll let ya know if I come up with anymore diagnoses once I see the doctor. I haven’t been in treatment since about December 2013. I have decided, with some much needed butt kicking, that I’m going to go back into therapy and get the help that I need. When I was in therapy before, from 2009 until 2013, we never really dealt with the deep down rooted problems that I have. It was all about an abusive relationship. Well, to tell ya the truth, as long as you don’t yell or throw things around me I’m fine. What I really need to deal with is the fact that I was violated by people whom were very close to me. As of now, I do not believe that I was born Bi-Polar. I have always had depression, and when I was feeling good I would do stupid, irresponsible things, but I don’t think the true Bi-Polar came out until after I was exposed to an abusive relationship. This may not be the case as I learn more about all of my diseases and get back into therapy for the real reasons.

All I want out of life is to feel as happy as I did in 2003 to 2007. I miss those days. I miss working. My problem with working right now is that I am not reliable enough. I never know when a depression is going to hit, or a manic episode is going to hit and I don’t make it to work because I’m out doing something irresponsible. All of my responsibilities have gone out the window. Is it because I have an enabler? Someone who doesn’t push me to get a job. Doesn’t say, “Get a job, or get out!” I don’t know what it is, and what I am hoping is that this journey will help me figure out these things, and also help others with mental health disorders realize that they aren’t alone. Nobody’s disease is worse than yours. It’s not a competition. For some God awful reason we were given these disorders to help others. Let’s do it.