Posted in Addiction, Health, love, Love Life, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, treatment, Updates

Two Months and 22 Days!

This is the longest I’ve been sober for the past 8 years, and it feels awesome! I don’t want this feeling to go away.

I’ve had some real big tests the past week, but I’m not going to let them affect my sobriety.

First was the car wreck.
I don’t know whose fault it was. At the time I thought it was all mine. The more I go over it and the more other people hear it, we all agree that the school bus was going too fast for conditions. She should’ve been slowing down.
Anyways, what happened was I was in a hurry to get in the right hand lane so I could turn right on 1st Street, which was two lights up. There were cars backed up the whole way. There was a little opening behind two cars that were stopped at the first light, and ahead of a school bus. So I quickly jumped over into the other lane even though my head told me not to. The bus rear ended me, I hit a Yukon, which hit another car. After the impact I was a little dazed and a whole lot scared that the kids were hurt.
I got out of my car, shaking like a leaf, and made sure the bus driver and kids were OK. They were. I later found out none of them knew what happened, and one of them slept through it all. They were wearing harnesses, thankfully. I was just hysterical. The police asked what happened and I said I cut in front of the bus and caused it all, through hiccups and tears.
There was a witness that said it was my fault, and the bus driver of course said it was my fault. Nobody came to see if I was OK. I was the only one with a totalled car and my air bags didn’t go off either!
Anyways, I cried and cried and cried and had a dream about buying insurance. I talked to my counselor about it. We did an ABC and a Challenging Questions Worksheet. This helped. I didn’t, throughout the whole incident, feel the urge to use. I was glad I was clear headed.

I had some work done on my teeth all week, and now they’re all nice and pretty. I lost one molar, but they were able to save my other three yucky teeth by just doing fillings. And all I used for pain relief was Ibuprofen. Suboxone has a small amount of pain relief, so the two combined helped.

I was missing my ex boyfriend and wanted him to know how good I was doing. I sent him a message on Facebook, and that was a stupid thing to do. Everything was going really good until this Friday, two days ago.
We had a week of happiness. Then I guess he just couldn’t get over the fact that I had moved on the last time we broke up. He said me finding someone and sleeping with them meant I didn’t love him.
Yesterday he left with his cousin to go Christmas shopping. While he was gone, I got up to get some ice cream, lost my balance, and grabbed for a shelf. Well the shelf was flimsy and one of his precious knicknacks fell and broke. Scared to death, I text him and told him. He was pissed. He came home about two hours later, drunk, and didn’t have any presents. He started interrogating me! He wanted to know how I lost my footing, and said I was lying because the whole shelf fell, but it didn’t! Then it progressed to counting everything to make sure I hadn’t taken anything.
When he first came home he told me not to get angry with him because he had already lined up a ride to take me home. Just a phone call away. That hurt. All because I ACCIDENTALLY broke a statue, that had been broken before and could be glued together. He said he was upset because he had just told me about the other time it was broken, like I did it on purpose.
I text my dad to come pick me up. After Alonzo had counted his things he accused me of having someone over because the pillows were in the wrong places. He did that before he left! The wait for my dad was SOOOO long. He tried acting nice and said he didn’t understand why I was crying. It hurt! After 2 years he STILL didn’t trust me. I told him when I left that I was never coming back. I can’t handle being treated that way.
He wanted to know how I could sleep with another guy. You know how? He was nice to me. He treated me with respect. He was a good man. He saw what Alonzo had done to me and didn’t treat me like that.

So, car wreck, dental work, and a bad breakup. All in a week. Did I use? Nope! I’m not going backwards anymore. I’m looking forward and running. I will not trip, fall, and not get back up. Try me all you want It isn’t going to happen!

It’s been rough, but I believe in myself. I know I can overcome this disease just like I would any other. Thank you for reading and thank you to all of my supporters!

Girl71282

Posted in love, Miscellaneous

Good Night Ramblings….

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I did a bad thing today. I relapsed on my new addiction. I thought I wouldn’t think of it at all. Then the birthdays come along, 12th & 16th. It even wished me a happy birthday. How come you always said a different day when I’d ask you when my birthday was? Another game? We like games, yes my addiction and me. I’m getting tired of them. I want my vacation in warm water!
This addiction is a bitch. They all are, duh. I think I will get rid of this addiction once and for all. Why keep anything you’ve given me…..which is nothing. It’s kind of hard to write this way. I wish I had the guts to just come out and say, “YES, I TEXT MY EX BECAUSE IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY AND THE STUPID MEMORY THING FROM FACEBOOK REMINDED ME THAT YOU MOVED LAST JULY! SO ALL THESE OTHER GOOD MEMORIES CAME UP, THEN THAT SONG COMES ON. FUCK IT’S 11:11! DR PHIL, I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE TO GO. FOR NOW.”
I caved to be told,  “you have a strong big heart for someone out there, if you haven’t already found one.” You know those kind of guys that are totally oblivious to the world when they’re into a game? That’s how it felt anyways. I’m gonna put a picture right there

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Who is that cute little rocker?! Oh is some crazy 33 years old “cute” girl.
I always wanted a little girl, secretly, I really love my boys and wouldn’t trade them for girl at any time. We’ll, if Brady doesn’t get a damn Job! Just kidding. I need to get a job. Why can’t it just be easy and I’m given one? I know, I know, life isn’t easy or it’d be called easy not life! Good have I heard that one a few times. Want in one hand, shit in the other…… a girl can wish, right? I love this song. It reminds me of the Galaxy club in the Muckleshoot in Auburn that one night. CRAZY night. We always have crazy nights/mornings! Wake up with one of us getting a concussion and not knowing how. And I’ll be back there Friday night.
So, I think I’m going to draw a little! Night!

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Girl71282

Posted in love, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

All Alone…

All Alone…

And it’s ok. I’ll live, and I bet I could live like this for a long time.

I’m just so damn trusting! Don’t trust a thug! Oh but they know how to talk that sexy talk, strut their foxy hot trots, and fuck like no other!

Find a girl that is down for you. Willing to put a fight up for you. Willing to do anything you want, with some expectations.

I thought, once again, I had found Mr. Right. Ha! Boy was I wrong. Remind me not to believe everything I hear.

Why can’t people just be truthful? It would make things a whole lot easier and less heartbreaking. Rejection sucks. I think that’s the main idea.

Rejection. To reject an idea. No. To bad people don’t like the word yes a lot more.

Oh well, live and learn or be like me and live, learn, but do what you want to do anyways!
Adios Amigos!