Relapse vs. Lapse

Today was group day. There were six of us. I really enjoy group. I’ve made a couple of friends but they are having a hard time staying clean. Their significant others are still addicts not wanting to go to treatment. If you’re a recovering addict you know how hard it is to be around drugs, even if they don’t do it around you.

I had a UA yesterday and saw one of the PA’s  (Physician Assistant). A PA is just like a doctor, besides they can’t prescribe narcotics. There are 2 two doctors there to sign the scripts.

Back to group, today we talked about the difference between relapse and lapse. I need to go back to last week. I saw the Dr last Thursday. The assistant told me not to do any opiates after 10am Wednesday. So, in my addict head I thought that meant go ahead and take some pills kinda like a good bye.

I took two 10mg oxycodone. It had been around three weeks since I took the last 80mg oxycontin. Those two oxy’s did get me a little high. I wanted more after they stopped working, but I didn’t take any because I knew I had to be in withdrawals to be put on suboxone.

In group today, the lady that runs our group told us the difference between a relapse and a lapse. I was counting the days from last Wednesday as my sober day. What I did was just a lapse. If I would’ve taken more opiates after the two that I took, and if I got back into the addiction full force, then I would have relapsed. A lapse is if you do drugs one time and don’t get back into the addiction.

I hope that makes sense. I’m not very good at describing things 😕 So because I lapsed and didn’t relapse I get to move my sober day to the original one, which is September 21st, 2015! I’m four weeks and eight days sober from opiates! This is the longest I’ve gone without oxy’s or Vicodin or any other opiates in seven and a half YEARS. I’m pretty proud of myself. I know some people say you’re not sober until you’re off the suboxone but this is my recovery and my life. If you can’t support me in this recovery, then don’t let the door hit you on your ass on the way out of my life!

I feel so good. I haven’t felt this great in as long as I can remember! I’m told this is the “honeymoon” part of treatment. After around four weeks it should level out and I should mellow out a bit.

I’m so happy I had the guts to do this! Going to treatment was probably the second best thing I have done in my life. The first was deciding to raise my kids and not having abortions or giving them up for adoption.

Well, I think I’m done with this post. Here’s a little mandala that I drew the other day. Have a great day or afternoon or night!

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Girl71282

Posted in Doodles, drawing (attempts), Health, Inktober, Mental Health, Miscellaneous

InkTober Time!

Hi everyone! It’s 447am, on September 23rd, 2015. I’m patiently waiting for everyone to wake up so I have some company.

It’s almost InkTober and that makes me so happy! I try to draw one thing a day, but most of the time I’m shaking so badly that I’ll just try patterns out and call it a day!

I hope the shakiness goes away once I’m off everything. I will give it a month to get better. Well actually I’ll give it all the time it needs since I can’t do anything about it.

Anyone out there that suffers from lithium tremors? I’m not on lithium and haven’t been for a couple years, but I still shake really bad. Maybe it’s something else.

I’ll find out pretty soon, what it is that’s making me shake. It’s the first day of a new life for me.  So far so good, but it’s only day one. 

Girl71282

Posted in Arts and Crafts, Doodles, drawing (attempts), Miscellaneous

Jellyfish

About a week or so so I asked for suggestions on what I should draw next. I had a Pheonix bird on fire and jellyfish! Here’s the Phoenix bird, which was tricky to color in. Well Coloring it in was fine, but adding water was tricky! If you’ve read my Christmas list you’ll see I’m wanting a water color paint brush pen thing. It’ll be a lot easier to add water in those tiny spots! This was like the third painting I had done.

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Phoenix Bird 12-3-14

And here’s one that a friend said looked like a bird farting!

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And here is the beginning of the jellyfish! This is the third time I’ve started, and the past two times I started I ended up falling asleep while drawing, and that makes it so messy. This time I’ve stayed awake the entire time and I’m not going to sleep until it is finished!

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One of the first I tried.
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And the second I tried!
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One of the first ones with some ink
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The third abs FINAL ONE!

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They just keep getting better and better, but I’m thinking they’re as good as they’re going to get 🙂 I will post an update as soon as I’m finished! It will be before Christmas, but that’s all I know! Love you all!
*UPDATE 12-11-14*

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Ok, so third time wasn’t s charm for the jellyfish, but I think four will be! It was so hard getting my pens to write on top of the watercolor pencils. So I decided to just draw it all up and then color it in.  If that doesn’t work, then I’m sorry but no jellyfish. It’ll be time to move on 🙂

Posted in Uncategorized

It’s 3:55 AM and I am doodling away!

It seems like so many of my blog posts are so negative Nelly. I don’t want it to be that way. I want my life to be happy and full of love and exactly what I want. I can’t remember a time when I had exactly what I wanted. There is SO much going on right now, and I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it. On the flip side, I am doing SO SO SO much better. I have been cleaning every day, except yesterday :/ I had a little pity party and went shopping and over to a very, very, very good friend’s house. It’s amazing how someone can cheer you up one minute and then the next just totally make you feel like shit! That’s how it was last night. I came home, talked coupons a little with a friend of mine that lives about 45 minutes away 😦 and we also decided we’re going to redo this dresser that is out in the barn. I need a new dresser and if it looks good enough I might just sell it! Well, ta ta for now. I’m getting VERY sleepy. It’s only 4am! I am going to go smoke, take my sleepy medicine and doodle some more. Maybe I’ll post some of the doodle’s I have done lately on here. That’s what the whole point of this blog was! Haha! Have a GREAT day everybody, and don’t let anyone bring you down. You are a beautiful person and deserve to be happy. Ok I’m starting to sound like my mom 🙂

Nitey Nite!

Posted in Uncategorized

A New Doodle!

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It has been a long time since I have “doodled” anything. I don’t want to call it tangling because these are just random lines and circles. I did realize that my stress level drops immensly while drawing, even if it’s just simple lines and circles.

What is the true definition of 2entangle? Could it just be the simplicity of being in a calm, relaxed, non-stressed state of mind, while drawing without the final result in mind ? Or is that doodling? why do I , or we, have to have an Official name for relieving yourself from the stresses of daily life?

Sitting outside, smoking my cigarette, looking at the way the trees are once again turning colors, listening to the sound of the cars passing by and the workers in the hop fields is also relaxing to me.

And then my mind wanders. I start to feel my heart race. I feel a bead of sweat roll down my face, or is that a tear? All of a sudden my thoughts turn to why’s , what if’s, and why nots.

I have been criticized for being a 32 year old Kid. “All you do is color. You Know you have children now, so why don’t you stop acting like one?” Now my stomach is in knots and I feel like I have been neglecting my children because I’m trying to Keep the anxiety and frustrations away. Medicine puts me to sleep and doesn’t make my problems go away!

Ugh! I love my children so much. They are what keeps me breathing. When I start to feel all Of these overwhelming feelings I try to bring on positive thoughts and remember all Of the good times.

Then the depression slips in and tells me I should be providing for my Children like I used to when I worked and could afford to make awesome memories with them.

Guilt, shame, worthlessness. The tears are there and really want to come out, but then I would be wallowing in self pity.

Mom sounds happy, like she used to!” This little, short sentence turned my Self pity into guilt at first. Then after talking with a counselor about it, I felt determined. I was going to be the happy, fun-loving mother that I Used to be.

When I was pregnant with my middle noodle (that’s my boys in Mary language), I worked at the Yakima Regional Cancer Care Center with the most wonderful people around. I was having a bad day and being really negative. One of the nurses came up to me and said, “You’re going to have a crabby baby if you don’t stop being so negative.” I didn’t hear another word she said, and was the happiest pregnant woman ever! Guess what? My middle noodle was the easiest baby, toddler, and just child all around. He was so happy and everyone fell in love with him the moment they met him. They still do.

I really doubt that my attitude had anything to do with the way my middle noodle turned out, but I like to think it did. Right now I feel helpless.

In 2012, after a series of huge stressors, I decided I would allow his father custody of him until I was back up on my feet again. We decided that it would be for about six months, but would do the permanent custody arrangement for the major decision making reasons and to make sure noodle number two was getting the most out of life we could give him. BIGGEST mistake of my life EVER! I would’ve had my boy back a year and six months ago if someone didn’t keep trying to push me down! This is a story for another post, but this little nine year old Noodle is now being alienated from me, the only one that had ever been there for him. I have to watch him become so anxious that he gets physically ill because he doesn’t want to go back to his father’s house. Not just for a couple hours, but pretty much two days before he has to leave. I feel so helpless! I’m supposed to be the one to protect him from the bad guys, not hand him over to one!

That’s all about that situation for now. Things will be changing for the better soon. I can’t watch my child go through this!

Well, it’s 4:25pm and it’s just about time for the middle Noodle to leave for a week. I need to close this up and spend these last few moments with him. I love my Noodles! All three of them, and will do anything for them. That’s what mother’s are for, right?

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Posted in Arts and Crafts, Zentangle

I Didn’t Forget How To Tangle!!!

 

Here’s the newest, and I can say I’m not dissatisfied by it at all. It is a Ben Kwok template from the Facebook page “Ornation Creation.” You should check it out! I believe there are 43 or 44 templates to do from organic to animals. You name it, he’s probably got it there. Continue reading “I Didn’t Forget How To Tangle!!!”

Posted in Arts and Crafts, Doodles, Mental Health, Other Artsy Fartsy Stuff, Shrinky Dinks, Zentangle

Just a rant today

I have to get this out and I know that the people who do read this will most likely already know, or not care one bit. I cannot stand my so called family!

From Urban Dictionary:
“sideline hater
A fake friend who secretly wishes you to fail at everything.
Since my friend Jon secretly wanted me to get my ass beat in a fight, he was being a sideline hater.”

This is how I feel my family feels about me. They’re always cheering me on, but cheering that I’ll do the wrong thing. Mostly so they have something to gossip about.

I divorced my family about 2 weeks ago. I told the princess, my sister, that she can have fun finding someone to do her job for her and get paid next to nothing for it. I told my mom I was done with the way she treats me and my children. We are never Good enough for her anymore. Ever since she moved to Ellensburg, which is about 1/2 hour away, she never has time for us. So I told her to go have fun with the prince and the princess.
I haven’t heard a word since. Well besides the nasty text from my sister telling me it’s not all about me! Hahaha no I forgot bitch. It’s all about you!

So from now on I’m going to start working on myself and getting better. It’s going to be hard and I’m going to have days where I just say fuck it all, but I won’t let this disease get me. It’s not going to disable me. I want to work again. I want to stay home and do my crafts all day too. Looks like I’m going to have to start finding a way to sell these crafts!

Ugh Ok I took a half an hour “break” to try to do something and to do some stuff for my 6 year old, and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this. I can’t even nail a freaking basket to the wall! Well I can, but when the towels get put in it the stupid thing falls down. I was going to have Jeff just do it when he gets home, but I’m just going to have him get me the nails I need. Mine must be too small. I am going to do this!
Then I was trying to figure out how to make my shrinky dinks lighter on the computer because everything says they will get much darker when you shrink them. Well how in the hell am I supposed to do that? I’m using Photoshop Lightroom. Maybe I should try another program and figure out how to decrease the opacity. I don’t know. Do any of you? Please help! I’m a perfectionist and don’t like to fail!

Ok enough for today. I have all these emotions going through me from wanting to cry because of my family and because I can’t nail a damn basket to the wall. I want to just give up on all art because I have so much stuff and don’t know what to do with it, I have become overwhelmed. So good bye for now! I promise my next post will be a “happy I did it! “Post 😉

Here’s all of the stuff I bought Sunday for my crafts.

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The mixed media boards I’m  going to paint different colors, put some words on it that look like aged newsprint, and tangle my heart away. I have some boxes I want to paint and tangle too. I like the look of the wood through the tangles, but I hate how it kills my pen just to draw on the wood. So pretty paint it will be! There’s also a jewelry making kit in there so I can make some shrinky dink jewelery. There are 3 books that I’m going to order ASAP to get me going on that. But I bought some shrinky dink material for the printer to try it out on too. So that’s where all my money went this weekend! I gotta start selling stuff to keep up with my buying!

Posted in Doodles

My Very First Doodle!

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I’ve always been one for following directions. I liked Zentangle so much because there were instructions, but you could also never mess up! I’ve always loved the idea of being able to draw but just became discouraged because I couldn’t make my drawings look exactly like the ones in the books. I just gave up. It also didn’t help that my 8th grade art teacher was the devil!

So tonight I was working on one of the Zentangle tangles and decided to just go from there. It was fun! I’m pretty happy with the outcome but it reminds me of a dragon. I hope you enjoy!

Posted in Doodles, Zentangle

Watch Out For That Hole!!!

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I have finally finished it! 11x14in mixed media paper with copic multiliner sp pens and Sakura Pigma Micron pens. Both various sizes. I used an 8B Graphite pencil for shading.
I absolutely LOVED doing this drawing. I only used three patterns, but they’re the type I like. I call them patterns unless they are official tangles. Then I’ll call them tangles.
I had been stuck in a little rut for a while, so I went through all 100 Zentangle books I have. Not really 100, but if you ask my kids or boyfriend I have 99 too many ;).
I love doing 3d type drawings/tangles, so I wanted to do something that really popped. I came across a pattern in Sandy strewn Bartholomew’s book, “Totally Tangled, ” called Scraper. That is what the pattern is! The wood is drawn with wood grain, and the inside of the hole is a pattern called Afterglow. It is one of my favorite ones to do. You can find it at http://TanglePatterns.com.
This drawing reminds me of looking through a hole in the floor and getting dizzy. I get dizzy when I look down from tall Heights. It also reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. I haven’t seen that movie in a long time, and the hole was black with things floating around, but it still had the crazy effect like this does.
I showed a friend of mine the hole, and he asked me how much I wanted for it! So, I told him I would make him another one for free and if someone sees it and wants one then I’ll charge them a small fee. I did go through a few pens!
So now I’m going to end this and continue on with the next! I hope you like this as much as I do!