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Jammin

This isn’t the first time I’ve posted after a Marley quote. I love the man. 

I love it. Did you listen to me? No. I still love you. It became too much of a competition in the end. Too much competing to show our love. 

Posted in love, Love Life, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Uncategorized, Updates, what's on my mind

It’s Nice To Finally Meet You


But who is? Everyone changes. Some of us at a higher rate than others, but we all change. 

I used to think sex was the way to a man’s heart. Sex was what made a man determine if he loved me. Pretty stupid, eh? Well, that must be my middle name. 

I used to think people changed as fast as I do. I thought people actually learned from their mistakes. I also thought people would change into what I wanted them to be. I wanted you to be the man of my dreams. 

But, I do eventually learn from my mistakes. It takes me a few times to get it right, but eventually I’ll do as I’m supposed to. 

A year ago, around this time, it finally became clear to me what the truth is. I finally got it through my thick skull what it means to be real. It’s not satisfying your man sexually that keeps him around. I don’t know what that answer is yet, but when I do I’ll let everyone know.

I want the world to love more. Love doesn’t mean sex, and many of you laugh, but I thought it was the same. No. 

Love is respect for one another. Enough respect to take into affect your loved ones wishes. For example, maybe she doesn’t feel like having sex right now. Don’t make her feel bad. Don’t give her a guilt trip or try to convince her she’s cheating. Do you like having sex when you’re not in the mood? Or are women that much different than men? Personally, I just don’t feel like having sex. I don’t feel pretty, or clean, or whatever it is. It’s not like it’s you. It’s me.

Love in being truthful with each other, to each other, and about each other. If you tell me I look good, and I really look like I should be a clown in the circus, you’d better tell me. And please tell me when I’m being a bitch. I really don’t know all the time when I’m acting like the devil in Prada. I want to hear why you love me, how much you love me, what I do wrong, how I can fix it. 

Love is compromise. You don’t own me, and I don’t own you. You want to go out tonight? Do I get to go out without you tomorrow? Am I not compromising enough? Well let’s see what evidence you can bring to the table, and I’m sure I’ll compromise more. You don’t have to give me ultimatums. 

Please just communicate with me. Talk to me. Am I asking for too much? Maybe that’s why I’ve never had my idea of a perfect relationship. Maybe I wasn’t asking for enough. 

I promise to give love to you the best way I know how. I’m still learning, please be patient with me. I need patience right now, or nothing. 

I’d prefer nothing sometimes. 

Posted in Addiction, Health, love, Love Life, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Uncategorized, what's on my mind

Third Times A Charm!

Let’s try this again! I need to learn a lot of things in life, and one of them is to press the “save” button when I’m typing up these blog posts! I just poured my heart out and lost it all! Oh well. You don’t really want to hear about all my problems. Wouldn’t you rather hear about my progress and happiness? This world is full of negative shit, and I don’t want to feed into it anymore! From now on I am HAPPY! Nobody will bring me down!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything good on here. I’m now eight months and 19 days free of those bad drugs. I feel SOOOOOO much better. I’m much more content and just happier. It’s not just getting off the drugs that has made me feel this way though. It’s also because I’ve had therapy to help get me better and change the way I think. I am so thankful that I was put with my therapist, Melissa. She’s the BEST! I have been in counseling for years, and not all of those counselors knew what to do with me.

I’m also thankful for Ideal Options, the Suboxone treatment center I go to. I started with three eight milligram strips a day. I then tapered down to two strips a day. I’m now at one strip a day! I’ve gone down faster than most people do, and I went down more than they suggest to go down. I can handle a little bit of withdrawal though, so I figured if I’m going to feel the withdrawals when I go down half a strip, why not just go down a whole strip? It worked! I feel like I’m ready to go down more, but I’ll have to cut the strips, and I really don’t like doing that.

There’s a website that they want us to go to that helps with getting off drugs. I haven’t checked it out yet, but I’m going to today. It’s called Help Me Get Off Drugs. I haven’t looked at it yet, but I think it’s mostly for getting off opiates and Suboxone. If you’re an addict and want help, click on the Ideal Options link above, or Help Me Get Off Drugs. Ideal Options is for opiate addiction, but they may be able to help with others. Believe me, you think that high is the best feeling in the world? I did, and let me tell you, it’s so much better being sober. Happiness feels like that high. My head is clear now. I can make decisions knowing I’m doing the right thing now. So, go check them out!

A little update about the love life… If you’re reading this you probably think it’s going to be something bad, since that’s all I write about. It’s not going to be. I guess today he finally decided he was tired of the feelings I give him, and he can’t accept my past and move on. It hurts him too much. I don’t know what to do since I can’t go back and change what I have done. He’s not the only one that’s hurting though. It hurts me so much every time he brings up what I’ve done in the past. Do you really think I want to relive it every day? I want to hear how I’m such a better person than I used to be. I want to hear how happy he is that I’m his and only his. I don’t hear those things though.

He bought me those rings and then took them back because he found OLD pictures on my phone, from when we weren’t even together. He’s upset because I was raped by one guy and in a relationship with another a few months after we had broken up. I had tried to contact him and wanted to talk to him and get back together. He told me to lose his number and not to contact him again. He was in a relationship with someone for three months, but they didn’t have sex. So, because I had sex I am horrible and never loved him.

That’s so not true though. I did and still do love him. I have been a sex object to men my entire life. The way I thought I would find love was to sleep with men. I can’t change that, but I have changed how I find love now. That’s what trauma therapy was all about. Helping me to accept what has happened and how to avoid it in the future and how to live a fulfilling life. I DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX IF I DON’T WANT TO! You know how much weight was lifted off my chest after saying that? It may sound silly to you, but I used to think that I had to have sex with someone in order for them to love me. Silly me! Sex is just an added bonus.

It’s been more than eight months since I’ve slept with someone other than him. I shouldn’t have to live my life being reminded of how I USED to be, right? Or is that my karma? I don’t know what to do, so I guess I’ll just keep on being me and taking care of me. The one thing I need to feel complete is my kids. It’s not a man anymore. I want to say that he helps make me feel complete, but I’m not supposed to think that anymore. He did help a little though. He just can’t move on and enjoy what we have now.

I’m sorry, and I have tried for the past eight months to show how sorry I am. It’s not good enough. There is nothing I can do to change what I did. He wants to go our separate ways and maybe think about getting back together in a year. What if I die? What if he dies? Why can’t we take this year to work on our relationship and enjoy each other? That’s all I want. I just want to be happy, love someone with all my heart, and get my children back. I don’t just want to love anyone, I want to love him. He’s shown me what love is, even though he doesn’t think he has.

He said today that he thinks it’s just lust because love is something you give and grow together or something like that. I don’t think it’s lust. Anyways, thank you Alonzo for showing me love and for making me into a better person. I’m sorry for what I did to you, even though I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. I’m sorry you can’t see that I’m a completely different person than I used to be. I’m sorry that you want to wait a year and see what happens. This could’ve been the best year of our lives. We will never know.

I’m going to go let these tears out so it doesn’t become something worse, and I guess I’ll just keep on keeping on. There is someone out there that will appreciate, respect, trust, love and all those good things, me. I don’t have to be reminded of my past daily. It’s in the past and I’m focused on today and today only. Depression is when you live in the past, anxiety is when you live in the future. You have to live for now and now only.

 

 

Posted in love, Uncategorized, what's on my mind

With Just A Click of the Heels….

The pictures on this blog post were obtained by a Google Search. They are not mine. 

maldives-hammock
A hammock on a Maldives beach   

I have clicked my heels. I’m laying in that hammock. Can’t you see me?! Just laying there, soaking up the sun and salty air. The sight is paradise. This place is paradise. White, fine sand in between my toes, a slight breeze flows through my hair.

maldives-chairs
Our chairs on the beach in Maldives

I would love to be here with the man that I love. He doesn’t like to travel, but maybe by this time I can convince him to come with me. This is, after all, my new forever home. There are two chairs out on the beach. One for you, and one for me. Baby, you’ll love it. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right. Doesn’t the water feel great running over your body? I know it feels great to me.

I have found three homes to accommodate our lifestyle. It might seem like a bit too much, but don’t you want to have everything? When the kids and grandchildren come to visit we’ll have everything for them to have a wonderful and memorable time. They won’t want to leave, but when they do, we will still have our home. Our beach. Our sand. Our water.

Maldives-beach

That’s it baby. I’ve clicked my heels and you’re the lucky one that gets to go with me. Please come with me. I want to experience paradise with you. This will be my home for the rest of eternity. No I won’t live forever, but I will be here heart and soul forever.

 

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Dirty × 3 = Something’s Not Right

This is week three on the Suboxone Program. I’m angry, down, confused and I don’t know what to do. Of course they don’t believe a thing that I say. I’m frustrated. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. I haven’t missed any of the groups or Doctor visits. If I was back on the oxy’s I wouldn’t be going to the groups and Dr appointments.
One reason is the oxy’s make me cancel appointments. The second reason is I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I believe if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do and/or you’re still using, you need to get out of the program so someone that really wants to stop using can get in to be seen.
I am serious about quitting. I have no where to get the oxy’s and I don’t want them! I’m on the correct dose of Suboxone and I feel great. I’m learning how to cope with my issues. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do. Oxy’s stay in your system for 3-7 days which makes it look like I’m using again. How does an addict prove to them that I haven’t used?!

Girl71282

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Ramble On

Here is Mary’s brain on nothing _________.  Here’s Mary’s brain on pot $#/×6€:;&*£=#/^;””#^;&/÷=##//^. Do you get it? My brain is going crazy. Let’s see who really reads these. Nobody! Ramblin on, sign that song, blah, blah, blah! When will you EVER trust me? Or am I just wasting my time? I’ve done a lot of time wasting. Shhhh. Hush little baby don’t you cry mama’s gonna put on The Little Birds cause I don’t know the words to this one….seriously? All night long? No! It’s bright under the blanket. My eyes are to close! 17 minutes until the most beautiful boy in the world will be free. Free to call me, if I had a number. Do you want me to write a memoir? I don’t know if it would be a whole bunch of memories or just one in particular that was traumatizing. Makes me think of Colton. I sure miss that little monkey. I would rather get him back than anything but I need a place to live first. Ok good night.

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Things Change

And it doesn’t always seem for the best. I just can’t get over how perfect it was in the beginning. I ruined it. I ruined my own happiness. I do blame the bi polar on it. 95%. I also should have known better to just stop it. Let it go until I was single and on my own. Back then I was his girl. Not anymore because,  “it makes me look stupid to be with someone that’s living under some guys roof.” I’m just sex now. I know ifi leave him be now there will be no us later on. He is impatient and doesn’t think I will get another job so I can support myself without anyone else’s help. I have to have two jobs, possibly even three for all that I want and NEED. It doesn’t happen over night for someone like me. Does that mean he doesn’t care one way or the other anymore? I’m not important anymore? I need to have a good attitude and just be happy with what happens and with what doesn’t happen.

Everything happens for a reason.