Posted in Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

I Wish.

What’s the one super power that you wish you could have? Mine would be to read people’s minds. I’m sitting here thinking what to say, how to say it, what to do? Listening to depressing music that fits my relationship right now. I just don’t understand. “You don’t text me good morning anymore. You don’t call me on your breaks anymore.” So, guess what I did today? I said “Good morning.” No reply. I called him on my break. Didn’t seem to matter. Things were going good. Then I was supposedly on my phone too much. Kinda weird. All I did was order some clothing and shoes for Brady and change my Google play credit card. I looked up a movie/book that we were talking about that sounded good.

It really sucks to feel like you’re not good enough. I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything. All I did was give it my all. I’m so tired of crying. Crying over boys. Not just him, but my sons. I think the worse part of crying is the stuffy nose. I think I’m almost out of tears. You know when you’ve cried about someone so much you just don’t even care anymore? That’s how I feel some days.

I think I’m unlovable. Or maybe I don’t know how to love a man. I thought I did. Everything is so different this time around. Is it that battered woman syndrome? The good times are so good but the bad times are so bad. I’m 32 years old and finally think I have found it, the L word. I think I was wrong. Once again.

My mind is just racing with questions that I wish I knew the answers to. I think I’ll go outside and see if it’s snowing, like it’s supposed to. 1

Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

This Is For Me

So don’t go getting a big ego. I’m doing everything I’m doing for myself. You think you’re so smart and know exactly what’s going to happen because SHE did that to you. I’M NOT HER! I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and listen to you tell me how my life is going to turn out just because that’s how HER life is! And what makes you so God damned perfect?  Who gives you the right to judge me? What are you doing with your life? What have you done with it? The future I see for us is what I see. You’ve never told me any of your dreams or what you want. What do you want? You expect me to sit here and listen to you because you’re an alcoholic and you were with a junkie girlfriend so you must know everything! I cheated on my boyfriend or better yet, my best friend, to be with you. I guess you’re right. It’s all just my dreams and fantasies. It’s not real.
This is the last prescription I’m getting. I have one job and am actively seeking another so I can have my own place with my children. My paychecks will be put towards rent, electricity, insurance, wsg, my children’s savings accounts, and food to put on the table. This isn’t my first Rodeo. I’ve lived on my own before, when I was 21 until I was 26. With 2 kids. By MYSELF! I wasn’t 40 years old before I moved out on my own. I haven’t lived 20 years of my life being a freeloader. Quit treating me like I don’t know what I’m doing! Quit treating me like I’m stupid! Listen to what I have to say and you’ll see in not HER! I’m not an irresponsible 20 something year old with six kids and no teeth! It’s too bad she ruined you. We had something good. But you’re so closed minded, ignorant, and just plain egotistical that you’re blind. And now you try to ridicule me. Make fun of me. That really makes me feel a lot better. Well, even a month from now you’re going to see a whole new person, and maybe this person won’t want to put up with your closed mind anymore. You’re not the only fish in the sea and I will realize that. If I didn’t, I’d be just as closed minded as you.

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Posted in Miscellaneous

What Do You See?

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What is your first impression of this picture? We’re happy? Love each other? Are having a great day? Well, those are all for the most part true. Here’s my story…..

What you probably don’t see is the hurt in both of our eyes. We have been seeing each other for around a year, and this whole year I have been with another man. The other man has known about this secret one, but thought it was purely platonic. I feel horrible, but no matter what I do or did I ALWAYS ended up going back to him.

This man is the complete opposite of what I’ve always looked for. He’s the first interracial relationship I have been in. He has taught me SO much, and I just feel so happy around him. It’s not all peaches and cream though! For one, I know he will never trust me, or it will take a lot of time to prove to him that I only want him. He thinks I talk to other guys, and just tonight we had an argument about it which ended with him telling me to, “Suck dick!”

It hurts. I’ve been dragging him along for the past year, not sure if what I was going to do. I didn’t feel ready to go back to work yet, and I had no way of getting a place to live in without working. Thankfully that had been overcome and I’m waiting for a job with arms wide open.

In the beginning of our relationship he was crazy about us. Thought the same way I did as far as things happening for a reason and that we were meant to be together. Then slowly I ruined it. I would tell him I was going to come over, and then not even talk to him for a week to a month. I KNOW how that feels! It feels absolutely horrible!

Why did I do that? Sometimes it was because I slept in and knew he’d be mad at me so I just chose the ignore him. Then he would text me every day that he loved me and missed me.

Pretty soon there were no more texts every day telling me he loved me. He’d had enough. I had played with his emotions too much. It was now me texting him, telling him I loved him and couldn’t live without him. He’d tell me to come over, we’d have make up sex. He’d whisper in my ear to “never leave him.”

What I want more than anything is for my future to involve him. I can see what it would be like and I WANT IT! I wrote him a couple letters in the beginning about why I loved him. It was the God’s honest truth and still is, except now I think there are more reasons.

I’ve never felt this way about someone for this long. He’s been treating me pretty bad lately, mixed with those good times. Just enough good times to keep me coming back. Tonight he’s mad at me because I took a nap and didn’t text him right back. I’ve given him plenty of chances to look at my phone and Facebook and he won’t. I’ve never allowed anyone to look at those things.

I’ve compromised a lot in this relationship and he just expects me to change things over night. He doesn’t understand that I’ve been working the past 7ish years at a daycare. My medical background is non existent according to medical offices, even though I haven’t forgotten a thing. It’s very frustrating. So many jobs require now that you’re bilingual in English/Spanish. That’s the one thing keeping me from getting a lot of jobs.

I’m not going to ask for advice. My gut keeps telling me to go back, that we aren’t through yet. Everyone will say, “leave him! He’s mean to you!” I’m tough. I can handle it. He’s insecure and maybe my job is to make him feel more secure. I’m done hurting him, but for God’s sake, can’t a girl take a nap?!

I miss my lollipop. Just remember that just because a couple seems to look happy, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. You don’t know what happens day to day.

I love you baby, and I’m going to keep on praying that things will get better and stay better. I’m going to pray for you to overcome the hurt I have caused just as I overcome the hurt you cause me. I don’t expect you to forget, but do forgive and move on so we can have our future together. In seven minutes it will be 11:11pm. He used to always text me that he loved me a at that time. I want it back. I want to repair the mess I have created and I’m going to!
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I’m in love with a Hispanic.