Posted in love, Love Life, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Uncategorized, Updates, what's on my mind

It’s Nice To Finally Meet You


But who is? Everyone changes. Some of us at a higher rate than others, but we all change. 

I used to think sex was the way to a man’s heart. Sex was what made a man determine if he loved me. Pretty stupid, eh? Well, that must be my middle name. 

I used to think people changed as fast as I do. I thought people actually learned from their mistakes. I also thought people would change into what I wanted them to be. I wanted you to be the man of my dreams. 

But, I do eventually learn from my mistakes. It takes me a few times to get it right, but eventually I’ll do as I’m supposed to. 

A year ago, around this time, it finally became clear to me what the truth is. I finally got it through my thick skull what it means to be real. It’s not satisfying your man sexually that keeps him around. I don’t know what that answer is yet, but when I do I’ll let everyone know.

I want the world to love more. Love doesn’t mean sex, and many of you laugh, but I thought it was the same. No. 

Love is respect for one another. Enough respect to take into affect your loved ones wishes. For example, maybe she doesn’t feel like having sex right now. Don’t make her feel bad. Don’t give her a guilt trip or try to convince her she’s cheating. Do you like having sex when you’re not in the mood? Or are women that much different than men? Personally, I just don’t feel like having sex. I don’t feel pretty, or clean, or whatever it is. It’s not like it’s you. It’s me.

Love in being truthful with each other, to each other, and about each other. If you tell me I look good, and I really look like I should be a clown in the circus, you’d better tell me. And please tell me when I’m being a bitch. I really don’t know all the time when I’m acting like the devil in Prada. I want to hear why you love me, how much you love me, what I do wrong, how I can fix it. 

Love is compromise. You don’t own me, and I don’t own you. You want to go out tonight? Do I get to go out without you tomorrow? Am I not compromising enough? Well let’s see what evidence you can bring to the table, and I’m sure I’ll compromise more. You don’t have to give me ultimatums. 

Please just communicate with me. Talk to me. Am I asking for too much? Maybe that’s why I’ve never had my idea of a perfect relationship. Maybe I wasn’t asking for enough. 

I promise to give love to you the best way I know how. I’m still learning, please be patient with me. I need patience right now, or nothing. 

I’d prefer nothing sometimes. 

Posted in Addiction, Health, love, Love Life, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Uncategorized, what's on my mind

Third Times A Charm!

Let’s try this again! I need to learn a lot of things in life, and one of them is to press the “save” button when I’m typing up these blog posts! I just poured my heart out and lost it all! Oh well. You don’t really want to hear about all my problems. Wouldn’t you rather hear about my progress and happiness? This world is full of negative shit, and I don’t want to feed into it anymore! From now on I am HAPPY! Nobody will bring me down!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything good on here. I’m now eight months and 19 days free of those bad drugs. I feel SOOOOOO much better. I’m much more content and just happier. It’s not just getting off the drugs that has made me feel this way though. It’s also because I’ve had therapy to help get me better and change the way I think. I am so thankful that I was put with my therapist, Melissa. She’s the BEST! I have been in counseling for years, and not all of those counselors knew what to do with me.

I’m also thankful for Ideal Options, the Suboxone treatment center I go to. I started with three eight milligram strips a day. I then tapered down to two strips a day. I’m now at one strip a day! I’ve gone down faster than most people do, and I went down more than they suggest to go down. I can handle a little bit of withdrawal though, so I figured if I’m going to feel the withdrawals when I go down half a strip, why not just go down a whole strip? It worked! I feel like I’m ready to go down more, but I’ll have to cut the strips, and I really don’t like doing that.

There’s a website that they want us to go to that helps with getting off drugs. I haven’t checked it out yet, but I’m going to today. It’s called Help Me Get Off Drugs. I haven’t looked at it yet, but I think it’s mostly for getting off opiates and Suboxone. If you’re an addict and want help, click on the Ideal Options link above, or Help Me Get Off Drugs. Ideal Options is for opiate addiction, but they may be able to help with others. Believe me, you think that high is the best feeling in the world? I did, and let me tell you, it’s so much better being sober. Happiness feels like that high. My head is clear now. I can make decisions knowing I’m doing the right thing now. So, go check them out!

A little update about the love life… If you’re reading this you probably think it’s going to be something bad, since that’s all I write about. It’s not going to be. I guess today he finally decided he was tired of the feelings I give him, and he can’t accept my past and move on. It hurts him too much. I don’t know what to do since I can’t go back and change what I have done. He’s not the only one that’s hurting though. It hurts me so much every time he brings up what I’ve done in the past. Do you really think I want to relive it every day? I want to hear how I’m such a better person than I used to be. I want to hear how happy he is that I’m his and only his. I don’t hear those things though.

He bought me those rings and then took them back because he found OLD pictures on my phone, from when we weren’t even together. He’s upset because I was raped by one guy and in a relationship with another a few months after we had broken up. I had tried to contact him and wanted to talk to him and get back together. He told me to lose his number and not to contact him again. He was in a relationship with someone for three months, but they didn’t have sex. So, because I had sex I am horrible and never loved him.

That’s so not true though. I did and still do love him. I have been a sex object to men my entire life. The way I thought I would find love was to sleep with men. I can’t change that, but I have changed how I find love now. That’s what trauma therapy was all about. Helping me to accept what has happened and how to avoid it in the future and how to live a fulfilling life. I DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX IF I DON’T WANT TO! You know how much weight was lifted off my chest after saying that? It may sound silly to you, but I used to think that I had to have sex with someone in order for them to love me. Silly me! Sex is just an added bonus.

It’s been more than eight months since I’ve slept with someone other than him. I shouldn’t have to live my life being reminded of how I USED to be, right? Or is that my karma? I don’t know what to do, so I guess I’ll just keep on being me and taking care of me. The one thing I need to feel complete is my kids. It’s not a man anymore. I want to say that he helps make me feel complete, but I’m not supposed to think that anymore. He did help a little though. He just can’t move on and enjoy what we have now.

I’m sorry, and I have tried for the past eight months to show how sorry I am. It’s not good enough. There is nothing I can do to change what I did. He wants to go our separate ways and maybe think about getting back together in a year. What if I die? What if he dies? Why can’t we take this year to work on our relationship and enjoy each other? That’s all I want. I just want to be happy, love someone with all my heart, and get my children back. I don’t just want to love anyone, I want to love him. He’s shown me what love is, even though he doesn’t think he has.

He said today that he thinks it’s just lust because love is something you give and grow together or something like that. I don’t think it’s lust. Anyways, thank you Alonzo for showing me love and for making me into a better person. I’m sorry for what I did to you, even though I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. I’m sorry you can’t see that I’m a completely different person than I used to be. I’m sorry that you want to wait a year and see what happens. This could’ve been the best year of our lives. We will never know.

I’m going to go let these tears out so it doesn’t become something worse, and I guess I’ll just keep on keeping on. There is someone out there that will appreciate, respect, trust, love and all those good things, me. I don’t have to be reminded of my past daily. It’s in the past and I’m focused on today and today only. Depression is when you live in the past, anxiety is when you live in the future. You have to live for now and now only.

 

 

Posted in love, Love Life, Miscellaneous

So, He Loves Me… A Lot!

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We have been on this rollercoaster ride for around three years. Ups and downs and sideways.
Many don’t have faith in us, especially family members. That hurts. It’s our own faults though. We shouldn’t run to our close friends and family when we’re having problems and then expect them to support our dysfunctional relationship.
They need to hear the good things because it’s not all bad. The good times outweigh the bad times or otherwise we would’ve jumped off this rollercoaster!
On Friday we went to the store to look for Scarface. We left with about 20 movies, and two rings. He says one is a “sorry” ring, and the other is a “promise” ring. He’s sorry, but for what? He promises what? I need to find out the answers to those questions.

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They are very pretty rings. I disappointed him because I didn’t react the way he thinks I should’ve. The truth is I’m scared. I have always said I wasn’t going to get attached to someone and here I am getting attached and shit.
It’s been such a rocky road and I’m truly hoping things are going to get better.

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We do Love each other. They say if the person you Love doesn’t drive you crazy, you’re with the wrong person. Well, he does drive me crazy! I’m just scared that He’s going to keep pushing me away and I won’t come back.

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They do look pretty, don’t they? I Love you Alonzo Lollipop. Don’t let me down.

Posted in Addiction, Health, love, Love Life, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, treatment, Updates

Two Months and 22 Days!

This is the longest I’ve been sober for the past 8 years, and it feels awesome! I don’t want this feeling to go away.

I’ve had some real big tests the past week, but I’m not going to let them affect my sobriety.

First was the car wreck.
I don’t know whose fault it was. At the time I thought it was all mine. The more I go over it and the more other people hear it, we all agree that the school bus was going too fast for conditions. She should’ve been slowing down.
Anyways, what happened was I was in a hurry to get in the right hand lane so I could turn right on 1st Street, which was two lights up. There were cars backed up the whole way. There was a little opening behind two cars that were stopped at the first light, and ahead of a school bus. So I quickly jumped over into the other lane even though my head told me not to. The bus rear ended me, I hit a Yukon, which hit another car. After the impact I was a little dazed and a whole lot scared that the kids were hurt.
I got out of my car, shaking like a leaf, and made sure the bus driver and kids were OK. They were. I later found out none of them knew what happened, and one of them slept through it all. They were wearing harnesses, thankfully. I was just hysterical. The police asked what happened and I said I cut in front of the bus and caused it all, through hiccups and tears.
There was a witness that said it was my fault, and the bus driver of course said it was my fault. Nobody came to see if I was OK. I was the only one with a totalled car and my air bags didn’t go off either!
Anyways, I cried and cried and cried and had a dream about buying insurance. I talked to my counselor about it. We did an ABC and a Challenging Questions Worksheet. This helped. I didn’t, throughout the whole incident, feel the urge to use. I was glad I was clear headed.

I had some work done on my teeth all week, and now they’re all nice and pretty. I lost one molar, but they were able to save my other three yucky teeth by just doing fillings. And all I used for pain relief was Ibuprofen. Suboxone has a small amount of pain relief, so the two combined helped.

I was missing my ex boyfriend and wanted him to know how good I was doing. I sent him a message on Facebook, and that was a stupid thing to do. Everything was going really good until this Friday, two days ago.
We had a week of happiness. Then I guess he just couldn’t get over the fact that I had moved on the last time we broke up. He said me finding someone and sleeping with them meant I didn’t love him.
Yesterday he left with his cousin to go Christmas shopping. While he was gone, I got up to get some ice cream, lost my balance, and grabbed for a shelf. Well the shelf was flimsy and one of his precious knicknacks fell and broke. Scared to death, I text him and told him. He was pissed. He came home about two hours later, drunk, and didn’t have any presents. He started interrogating me! He wanted to know how I lost my footing, and said I was lying because the whole shelf fell, but it didn’t! Then it progressed to counting everything to make sure I hadn’t taken anything.
When he first came home he told me not to get angry with him because he had already lined up a ride to take me home. Just a phone call away. That hurt. All because I ACCIDENTALLY broke a statue, that had been broken before and could be glued together. He said he was upset because he had just told me about the other time it was broken, like I did it on purpose.
I text my dad to come pick me up. After Alonzo had counted his things he accused me of having someone over because the pillows were in the wrong places. He did that before he left! The wait for my dad was SOOOO long. He tried acting nice and said he didn’t understand why I was crying. It hurt! After 2 years he STILL didn’t trust me. I told him when I left that I was never coming back. I can’t handle being treated that way.
He wanted to know how I could sleep with another guy. You know how? He was nice to me. He treated me with respect. He was a good man. He saw what Alonzo had done to me and didn’t treat me like that.

So, car wreck, dental work, and a bad breakup. All in a week. Did I use? Nope! I’m not going backwards anymore. I’m looking forward and running. I will not trip, fall, and not get back up. Try me all you want It isn’t going to happen!

It’s been rough, but I believe in myself. I know I can overcome this disease just like I would any other. Thank you for reading and thank you to all of my supporters!

Girl71282