Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Updates

Six Months and Six Days!

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6 Months clean!

I can’t believe it’s been six months already! I’m so thankful for Suboxone and Ideal Options/Ideal Balance. They really are my heroes! They are my cheerleaders in a world of haters.

About seven months ago, I was using, and at the beginning of the month it was to get as high as I could. Towards the end of the month, when I was having to rely on other people to give me drugs, it was so I could feel “normal.” I didn’t know what to do.

I knew I had to tell someone, but who? People are so damn judgemental! I thought about it for a few days. A few very hard days. I finally came to the conclusion I should talk to my counselor about my problem with drugs. I mean, I should’ve already told her so she could do the right treatment for me.

By the time I told her, I was already detoxing. I had always thought that if I made it past four days, I was in the clear. I didn’t know anything about PAWS. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, a.k.a. bitch. These things can last the rest of your life. I wasn’t just coming off of one drug, but three. It wasn’t fun, but I’m still kicking.

The only thing I’ve really noticed is my memory is still bad. It’s getting better, but nowhere like I used to be. When you do drugs, or at least opiates, you make new channels in your brain. Instead of just going from one receptor to another, the opiates go straight to your pleasure receptors. It bypasses everything else.

When you are recovering from drug use, it’s like you’re starting all over. Not just inn every day life, but you’re making your brain healthy again. Your brain is learning how to pleasure yourself without those drugs. How to appreciate the little things.

Recovery isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it. I feel so much better than I did six months ago, or for the past seven YEARS. I don’t just look healthy, I am healthy again. My brain is getting back to a healthy brain and I might just not get dementia!

If you’re struggling with addiction, reach out. There are non judgemental people who care about you and want the best for you. You really need to do it for yourself though.

Family members of addicts, ultimatums may seem like the way to go, but what really helps is being supportive and non judgemental. There is a root cause for an addict to become addicted to drugs. Let your addict know you’re there for them, as well as others.

And as always, send me a message on Facebook, Twitter, or comment here if you need help. I will support you through this journey.

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Posted in 100 Days of Happiness Challenge, family, love, NaBloPoMo

All of the Days I Have Missed!

I have missed so many days of the happiness challenge that I can’t remember what I’ve been happy about! I’m going to start over right now!
Today I’m happy for so much that it’s hard to pick just one thing. I’m going to say that I’m happy that my favorite cousin has come into my life. I love her so much! We are so much a like that you’d think we were sisters.
She gives me strength to keep going when I feel like giving up.  She has been through so much that it amazes me that she is so strong. I don’t like that we live so far away from each other, and hopefully I can get her back over here soon!
I love you Beatrice Petty! Don’t you dare ever leave me or let anyone come between us!

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Me on the left, Bea on the right
Posted in 100 Days of Happiness Challenge, family, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

Shit! Day 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, AND 13!

Yeah, I forgot. There’s a lot been going on, but I’ll write another post about that chapter of my life ending….. thankfully!
So for day 7 I was happy to be able to spend time with someone whose so attentive, nurturing, and caring. That’s what love is all about!
Day 8 I was happy that I got to sleep in for a while, ok all day.
Day 9 I was happy because I stood up for myself and didn’t break and go back to that miserable life!
Day 10 I was happy to spend some quality time with friends.
Day 11 I was a little sad, but I was happy for the past week.
Day 12 I was more sad, but I found happiness in cuddling up with my baby boy’s blanket. Smelling his smells that have become so unfamiliar 😥
And day 13! I am happy that I have completed everything on my list! Yay me!
I’m going to get back into the daily thing now! See ya tomorrow!

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Posted in 100 Days of Happiness Challenge, Arts and Crafts, family, Health, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous

Day 2 and 3 of Being Happy!

I had such a sleepy day yesterday that I forgot to say what I was happy for. Yesterday my cousin Bea came over for the weekend. We didn’t grow up together, and we just met on February 1st,2015. I’m so happy she is in my life again. Even though is only been a couple months, she’s seen me through good and bad and has always helped me. I hope we always stay this close! I love you!
Today, which is day three, I am thankful for the ability to create art that people enjoy. I think of everyone tried they’d be an artist. It just comes easier for some.
See you tomorrow for day 4 of Happiness!

Posted in family, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

7 Years Ago At This Time….

7 years ago at this time, I was anxious as can be. I was scheduled to have my youngest noodle at 6am the next morning. My bag was packed, but I knew I was forgetting something. I couldn’t eat, nor was I supposed to. I just couldn’t wait for this baby! It was a horrible pregnancy. We had moved from my own duplex into a house that would fit all 4 noodles and us adults. It was a very nice house. We had a chalk board wall, and a magnetic wall. 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a nice sized laundry room, a family room, and a formal living room, along with a kitchen and an awesome three sided fireplace. Oh and a 2 car garage. At the time it was an awesome price for a rental. The people that were renting it out were a doctor and a dentist and the wife was pregnant. They had a son too. They thought they didn’t have enough room, so they moved into a bigger house. Silly people. So, Brady and Dakota shared a room, and Randi had her own room that she eventually shared with the new noodle, Colton. If my asshole ex hadn’t smashed my computer I would’ve had a picture of us when we were on our way to the hospital. Both of us were so happy and excited that we couldn’t sleep the whole night. We tried. We really did, but you know how it is. It was like the night before Christmas, or the night before the first day of school. So at about 5:30am on the 28th of December, we decided to just go on ahead and go into the hospital. They broke my water at 9:00am and gave me pitocin. The labor wasn’t going very fast.

The contractions were getting stronger so I asked for the epidural. My doctor had told me that as soon as I wanted it I could have it because it didn’t work when I had Dakota, my middle noodle. When I asked for it, the nurse said, “Aren’t you sure you don’t want to try the exercise ball first?” That nurse just about got a fist in her face :). You don’t ask someone whose about to have a baby if they want to go roll around on a big ball!

The anesthesiologist came in and had to try twice to get the epidural in. The first time all I felt was a shooting pain through my neck, head, and hands. It was the worst feeling of all time. The second time he got it in fine, but by that time I had already dilated to 7cm and the epidural didn’t work. Just like with middle Noodle it wouldn’t work 😦 My right leg was numb, once again, but that was it. Finally it came time to push and out came my beautiful baby boy, Colton. He was immediately given to me and I cried. It doesn’t matter how many babies you have. Meeting that little bean for the first time after carrying them for nine months is an unexplainable feeling.

He cried, and he was passed around from person to person. He was beautiful. Still is if you ask me 😉 So, tomorrow he turns 7. I won’t be able to see him, but after the new I received today, we’re going to have the party of the century soon! I will write another post about that.

I love this little boy with all of my heart, just as I do the rest of the kids. I have done so much for this little boy. When he turned one, he turned into a holy terror. He was developmentally delayed, and couldn’t talk. He was so angry that he would hit his head and bite himself and everything you could think of. I took him to two appointments a week. One for his speech therapy, and one for his anger. That was from the time he was one until he turned three. When he turned three he went to school.

He loved school, kind of. He would’ve rather sat at home and watched Spongebob, but for the most part he loved his teachers. I think he had a little crush on one of his teachers. They helped him so much. By the time it was time to start kindergarten, he was completely caught up and on schedule. They had to find a reason to keep him in the program for the last part of the year. Their reason was to teach him to tie his shoes 🙂 Funny stuff.

Anyways, I hope some day you will read this my little noodle. I love you so, so, so, much, and I can’t wait for you to get home. It’s going to be the best day of our lives.

Posted in Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

This Is For Me

So don’t go getting a big ego. I’m doing everything I’m doing for myself. You think you’re so smart and know exactly what’s going to happen because SHE did that to you. I’M NOT HER! I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and listen to you tell me how my life is going to turn out just because that’s how HER life is! And what makes you so God damned perfect?  Who gives you the right to judge me? What are you doing with your life? What have you done with it? The future I see for us is what I see. You’ve never told me any of your dreams or what you want. What do you want? You expect me to sit here and listen to you because you’re an alcoholic and you were with a junkie girlfriend so you must know everything! I cheated on my boyfriend or better yet, my best friend, to be with you. I guess you’re right. It’s all just my dreams and fantasies. It’s not real.
This is the last prescription I’m getting. I have one job and am actively seeking another so I can have my own place with my children. My paychecks will be put towards rent, electricity, insurance, wsg, my children’s savings accounts, and food to put on the table. This isn’t my first Rodeo. I’ve lived on my own before, when I was 21 until I was 26. With 2 kids. By MYSELF! I wasn’t 40 years old before I moved out on my own. I haven’t lived 20 years of my life being a freeloader. Quit treating me like I don’t know what I’m doing! Quit treating me like I’m stupid! Listen to what I have to say and you’ll see in not HER! I’m not an irresponsible 20 something year old with six kids and no teeth! It’s too bad she ruined you. We had something good. But you’re so closed minded, ignorant, and just plain egotistical that you’re blind. And now you try to ridicule me. Make fun of me. That really makes me feel a lot better. Well, even a month from now you’re going to see a whole new person, and maybe this person won’t want to put up with your closed mind anymore. You’re not the only fish in the sea and I will realize that. If I didn’t, I’d be just as closed minded as you.

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Posted in Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

NaBloPoMo!

***CAUTION COULD UPSET YOU IF YOU READ IT!!!***

Wow! NaBloPoMo? “What in the hell is that,” you’re probably wondering. Well, it’s this totally awesome event for November. It’s National Blog Posting Month. I have committed to write one blog post for every day in November. Not just here and there, like I usually do, but EVERY day!!! I’m actually really excited about it. There are some awesome prompts that can be used, and I have a lot of every day things to write about. I’ve been doing a lot of tangling and just practice drawing, and haven’t posted any of them.

I found out about NaBloPoMo from BlogHer. Do you know what BlogHer is? Here is a little bit about them from their website; “BlogHer is a platform for sharing great voices, stories, and ideas. BlogHer Inc., is a new kind of media company, created in partnership by, for and with women, and men, who are leaders across blogs and social media and are passionately commited to quality content.” A good FaceBook friend of mine, Karen, introduced me to BlogHer and I’ve really enjoyed most of the posts. Some I don’t agree with, but that’s life, right? We can’t always agree with everyone!

Today is November 5th, 2014. The blog prompt for today is, “Do you feel you have found your voice on your blog? What techniques have you tried to develop your voice in your writing? What are some characteristics of your personality in your writing?” This seems a little difficult for me. I’m a little apprehensive about my blog. I feel as if I only write when I want to complain about something that has been bugging me. It’s almost like a journal to me. I hope I don’t seem that way in real life! I don’t want to be a Debby Downer!

I like variety, as you can probably see. I like arts and crafts and music and so on and so on. I do like a lot of things! I love that I have a new found talent in drawing. I’ve always felt the need to draw, or the desire to do it, but have never felt that I was any good. I can’t draw a straight line even with a ruler! Through Zentangle, I have realized that it’s ok to make mistakes, and those mistakes don’t need to be erased. Just as in life, you can’t erase your mistakes. You can either dwell over them, or you can make something beautiful out of them. I have three children that weren’t planned, but I sure as hell don’t consider them mistakes! They are my babies. My little joys that put a smile on my face every minute of the day. I am so proud of my boys and I know that they are who they are today because of me.

Unfortunately I was a little irresponsible and ended up having three boys with three different boys. I would call them men, but they haven’t proven to be yet. I’m still waiting! These boys weren’t in their children’s lives until the kids were at the fun age and didn’t have to wear diapers anymore. My oldest Noodle didn’t meet his dad until he was 10. He still doesn’t have a good relationship with him. My middle Noodle’s dad would come around on my Noodle’s birthday and Christmas. He was told by my youngest Noodles father that he either needed to see him every other weekend as was in the parenting plan, or not at all. I didn’t hear from him again for two years in which I had called him to see if he wanted to start his visitations. Noodle was five, almost six. My youngest Noodle’s dad has been in his life since he was born, but for the past four years he’s only been allowed to see him for eight hours a week. He was supposed to take a parenting class and then he could go back to court to get his visitations increased, but he chose not to. His girlfriend and her five kids were more important to him. Now he has temporary custody and it’s killing me. That’s another day’s story though.

I love my kids more than anything and even though two of the three aren’t with me full time right now, everything I do is for them. I’ve been trying to get a job so I can move out and become independent again. That’s me. Mrs. Independent. I would rather work 100 hours a week than depend on anyone, like I am now, which is not fun for me. I feel like such a freeloader. I know I’m not, but I still have that little voice saying, “Mary, get off your butt and get a job!” I can’t wait until the day I get the keys to my next place. Or even the day I get an interview and they say, “You’re what we’ve been looking for and you’re hired!” That day will come. It has to. I have put my resume out to about 50 different places, and this isn’t a very big town. I’ve had responses from three of the jobs, and they are job staffing agencies. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I want an actual job to contact me.

I’m so thankful for my friend/ex boyfriend. He is nice enough to let me stay and freeload off of him until I find that job and that perfect place to live. We’ve been friends since 2002, and together since 2012. I’ve lived with him the past year. We’ve had our ups and downs, but what couple doesn’t? I broke his heart a week ago. I did the unthinkable. I cheated. How could I have done that to such a great guy? A guy that let me and my three kids move in with him and his two kids that he has full time. I do provide the food, but that’s it. I just feel totally worthless and useless for what I have done. On the other hand I cannot seem to distance myself from the man I cheated with. I have tried countless times, which in turn hurt him and made him feel resentment towards me.

He needed me yesterday. I’m blaming the bi-polar, you can call it what you want. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me and had nobody else, because I was sleeping. I was coming down for a slightly manic phase and when I do that I sleep for hours upon hours. This is why I have a hard time keeping a job. This isn’t the first time I have let him down because of sleeping. Now he won’t talk to me and I have no idea of his prognosis. You’re probably thinking, “That’s what ya get ya dirty whore!” But really? Does anyone deserve to be hurt? Even the ones that hurt us?

I push people away from me and I believe I do that so I don’t hurt them. One thing about not having a job, is that I sit here and think, and think, and think all day long. I have almost considered myself crazy because of all the stuff I was thinking up. That’s when I decided I needed to get a job and get out. Not for him, but for me. I need to be Mrs. Independent again because that’s what makes me happy. I’ve got it backwards. I want to be the breadwinner. I want to be the one that works 60 hours a week and come home to a nice clean house, dinner, and kids that are fed, homework is done, and they’re ready to spend some time with me before going to bed.

I dream of this house with my children and Him, all of us sitting on the couch, the boys inched up to the TV more so they can see the big bad Halo guy. He plays with my children. He laughs with them and makes them laugh and shows them how it is to be happy, even though he isn’t himself. It’s always the “happy” ones that take their lives. You know why that is? If you know would you tell me please? One of the reasons I fell in love with this Man is because he could make me laugh every day. He would laugh at himself, which would make me laugh at him. “What are you thinking Mary? Look at who you’re going to be with! Look at my hair sticking out everywhere! What a dork! And you’re going to leave him to be with this? What are you thinking?!”

Guess I wasn’t thinking. I see the picture now clearly. We didn’t have our snowball fight. We didn’t get into that house with the couch inched up to the TV to see the bad Halo guys. I messed it up. I haven’t cried over a boy in ten years. I have cried the most I have ever cried in the past few weeks. It doesn’t get any better. I don’t know how it did before because I sure don’t see an end to this heartbreak. Ten years ago we didn’t have FaceBook to spy on the ones we wanted to be with. Now I see all these things he posts and think they’re pointed toward me, which I’m sure the ones about being a worthless slut are, and it’s driving me crazy. Just delete him, you say. I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose any type of connection between the two of us and FaceBook is all I have right now.

Right now I am again hurting someone. Someone that has been so dear to me for so long. He’s my bestie. I can tell him anything, and now I really feel like I can tell him anything. He says he loves me but I think I’m just here for the company. I’m not very good company considering I don’t talk much. We do have some good conversations sometimes, especially when we’re driving. We both like to just drive to clear our heads, but I always want to go with him when he wants to go by himself. I’m a little selfish with him. He gives me what I want if he can.

This is why I have decided to become Mrs. Independent again. I won’t hurt anyone. I don’t hurt my kids. Maybe I’ll save up for a new camera and start doing photography again. I used to LOVE taking pictures. Especially of children and macros. Children are so innocent and they don’t have to pose. You just make them laugh and you have a great picture! Macros make me concentrate so hard, and I love it! It takes a lot for me to just do one thing at a time. Like now, I’m talking to the oldest Noodle, smoking a cigarette, typing this, and sending text messages to a friend. The friend that I am living with that I have hurt. Oh and I’m listening to the TV too. Gotta love Dr. G: Medical Examiner on Discovery Health! No I was not paid to say that. I do like the show!

Well, this turned into a depressing post so I think I’ll just end it now and do some tangling. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Maybe it’s the weather. It’s all cloudy and windy here in the Pacific Northwest. Fall is here! Today reminds me of Thanksgiving when I was younger. I used to be so afraid of the wind. I was afraid of weather period. Thunder, lightening, being too hot, too cold, fog. Everything! I’m not anymore though 😉 So there is hope for me! Have a great day readers and I hope I didn’t put you in a gloomy mood!

Posted in Arts and Crafts, Doodles, Mental Health, Other Artsy Fartsy Stuff, Shrinky Dinks, Zentangle

Just a rant today

I have to get this out and I know that the people who do read this will most likely already know, or not care one bit. I cannot stand my so called family!

From Urban Dictionary:
“sideline hater
A fake friend who secretly wishes you to fail at everything.
Since my friend Jon secretly wanted me to get my ass beat in a fight, he was being a sideline hater.”

This is how I feel my family feels about me. They’re always cheering me on, but cheering that I’ll do the wrong thing. Mostly so they have something to gossip about.

I divorced my family about 2 weeks ago. I told the princess, my sister, that she can have fun finding someone to do her job for her and get paid next to nothing for it. I told my mom I was done with the way she treats me and my children. We are never Good enough for her anymore. Ever since she moved to Ellensburg, which is about 1/2 hour away, she never has time for us. So I told her to go have fun with the prince and the princess.
I haven’t heard a word since. Well besides the nasty text from my sister telling me it’s not all about me! Hahaha no I forgot bitch. It’s all about you!

So from now on I’m going to start working on myself and getting better. It’s going to be hard and I’m going to have days where I just say fuck it all, but I won’t let this disease get me. It’s not going to disable me. I want to work again. I want to stay home and do my crafts all day too. Looks like I’m going to have to start finding a way to sell these crafts!

Ugh Ok I took a half an hour “break” to try to do something and to do some stuff for my 6 year old, and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this. I can’t even nail a freaking basket to the wall! Well I can, but when the towels get put in it the stupid thing falls down. I was going to have Jeff just do it when he gets home, but I’m just going to have him get me the nails I need. Mine must be too small. I am going to do this!
Then I was trying to figure out how to make my shrinky dinks lighter on the computer because everything says they will get much darker when you shrink them. Well how in the hell am I supposed to do that? I’m using Photoshop Lightroom. Maybe I should try another program and figure out how to decrease the opacity. I don’t know. Do any of you? Please help! I’m a perfectionist and don’t like to fail!

Ok enough for today. I have all these emotions going through me from wanting to cry because of my family and because I can’t nail a damn basket to the wall. I want to just give up on all art because I have so much stuff and don’t know what to do with it, I have become overwhelmed. So good bye for now! I promise my next post will be a “happy I did it! “Post 😉

Here’s all of the stuff I bought Sunday for my crafts.

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The mixed media boards I’m  going to paint different colors, put some words on it that look like aged newsprint, and tangle my heart away. I have some boxes I want to paint and tangle too. I like the look of the wood through the tangles, but I hate how it kills my pen just to draw on the wood. So pretty paint it will be! There’s also a jewelry making kit in there so I can make some shrinky dink jewelery. There are 3 books that I’m going to order ASAP to get me going on that. But I bought some shrinky dink material for the printer to try it out on too. So that’s where all my money went this weekend! I gotta start selling stuff to keep up with my buying!