Posted in family, Health, Mental Health

Dearest Sister

It’s hard to even call you my sister anymore. Sisters don’t do this to each other. Sisters are supposed to love each other and have a bond like no other. But that’s never been there, has it?

From the day you found out mom was pregnant with me, you hated me. How dare I take away your mom, step dad, grandpa, grandma and whoever else you’d like to add you this list! How dare I take away the attention you’d been getting. 

I guess that’s a typical middle child problem, but most tend to grow out of that and accept that they are still loved. Not you. You’ve had it out for me since I can remember. Locking me out of the house so you could have it all to yourself and your friends. I was only 4? 

I remember trying to find someone house to go to, feeling horrible, and wondering to myself “why doesn’t she love me?” I was 4 years old and thinking this. Do you think I came into this world just to take all your attention away? To ruin your life? 

I’ve never even tried to do anything to you even after I found out you slept with my son’s father and became “friends” with him after what he’d done to me and my family. I didn’t do anything after I found out you went on a date with my other baby’s daddy. I never did anything after you called me a bitch when I was just trying to help you. 

I didn’t even do anything after you lied, once again, to the courts and were part of having my kids taken from me. My kids. Mine. Not yours. The only thing I plan on doing is staying the fuck away from you. 

It’s funny how both of my son’s fathers told me you were “bad people” yet now they use you to get back at me. What did I ever do to you? I mean, really? How old are you? You think it’s acceptable to treat your family like this? It’s not just me that you’re messing with now. Now it’s everyone that supports me. Our mother! Our father! My son! 

Your lies will catch up to you, and hopefully it happens before MY kids get hurt anymore! Do you think this is what’s best for them? Guess what? I don’t give a fuck what you think. As far as I’m concerned you’re dead. You are dead to me. You better see those boys as much as you can right now because you will NOT ruin their lives like you’re trying to do to mine! 

Your opinion means nothing to me. Like I said, it’s as if you are dead. I should forgive you for my own health, but I can’t. That wound is way too fresh and every time it starts to heal you do something else to rip it open. 

I hope you read this. I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done to my family, OUR family. Your actions show how vindictive you are. 

Middle child syndrome? No. I’d call this a horrible person. Period. 

Good bye, once again. 

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Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Helping the Homeless, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, treatment

Good Things Come To Those That Do Good

This past weekend was the beginning of our summer here in central Washington. We actually had a spring this year!

It was scorching hot, as it is in the desert, so Alonzo and I decided to buy popsicles and hand them out to the homeless. 

The homeless have been in the news a lot the past month. They set up camp in the middle of town, which really pissed off a lot of businesses and neighbors. 

The city put outhouses and wash stations up for them, so they wouldn’t go to the bathroom in their neighbors yards. 

It was really eye opening and sad. We gave them all about two popsicles each. They flocked to the car like flies on shit. It was sad, but it also made me feel good to be able to make them happy for a few minutes. 

There were 30 families, couples, singles, older people, younger people, mentally ill people, sane people, addicts. All different colors, but mostly the same shapes. Skin and bones. The shapes of skeletons. 

Faded tattoos covered their skin. I wanted to hear all of their stories. What happened to make them homeless? Is it their addictions? Some I’m sure. Is it their mental health? Possibly. Whatever their story is, I respect it and respect how they live today. 

They aren’t that different from you and me. They have families, people they care about. They just live in tents instead of houses. 

They were very thankful for the popsicles. I wish we could do more, but we aren’t that different. The only difference between them and me is I have a super support system that has taken me in and allowed me to stay here until I could get back on my feet.

Please take a moment out of your day to educate yourself about the homeless. Maybe even donate to a local charity. Let’s take care of the people in our country! We need each other!

Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Updates

Six Months and Six Days!

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6 Months clean!

I can’t believe it’s been six months already! I’m so thankful for Suboxone and Ideal Options/Ideal Balance. They really are my heroes! They are my cheerleaders in a world of haters.

About seven months ago, I was using, and at the beginning of the month it was to get as high as I could. Towards the end of the month, when I was having to rely on other people to give me drugs, it was so I could feel “normal.” I didn’t know what to do.

I knew I had to tell someone, but who? People are so damn judgemental! I thought about it for a few days. A few very hard days. I finally came to the conclusion I should talk to my counselor about my problem with drugs. I mean, I should’ve already told her so she could do the right treatment for me.

By the time I told her, I was already detoxing. I had always thought that if I made it past four days, I was in the clear. I didn’t know anything about PAWS. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, a.k.a. bitch. These things can last the rest of your life. I wasn’t just coming off of one drug, but three. It wasn’t fun, but I’m still kicking.

The only thing I’ve really noticed is my memory is still bad. It’s getting better, but nowhere like I used to be. When you do drugs, or at least opiates, you make new channels in your brain. Instead of just going from one receptor to another, the opiates go straight to your pleasure receptors. It bypasses everything else.

When you are recovering from drug use, it’s like you’re starting all over. Not just inn every day life, but you’re making your brain healthy again. Your brain is learning how to pleasure yourself without those drugs. How to appreciate the little things.

Recovery isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it. I feel so much better than I did six months ago, or for the past seven YEARS. I don’t just look healthy, I am healthy again. My brain is getting back to a healthy brain and I might just not get dementia!

If you’re struggling with addiction, reach out. There are non judgemental people who care about you and want the best for you. You really need to do it for yourself though.

Family members of addicts, ultimatums may seem like the way to go, but what really helps is being supportive and non judgemental. There is a root cause for an addict to become addicted to drugs. Let your addict know you’re there for them, as well as others.

And as always, send me a message on Facebook, Twitter, or comment here if you need help. I will support you through this journey.

Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, opiate addiction, Sobriety, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment

5 Months and 2 Weeks

Hi followers! It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I haven’t relapsed, I’ve just been busy getting my life back!

Suboxone is still working! I’m down from three strips a day, to two strips a day, and my appointments are every two weeks now instead of every week! Progress is being made!

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The picture pretty much explains all. I was pretty high in the left one and I’m very sober in the right one! I do smoke pot occasionally, and that’s ok! I’m not smoking it to get high or escape reality. I smoke it to relax this super tense body of mine! It also helps when my back is hurting.

I love the way sober feels. I can feel my emotions again and my senses have woken back up. Opiates helped me escape the grief of losing my boys and other trauma I’ve experienced. It’s great for escaping those hard emotions.

Sure it was hard feeling those feelings again, but I’m glad I have. I’m now ready to fight those jerks for my boys! What they have done is so wrong and didn’t just hurt me, but my boys too. How can someone just rip the kids away from their mother? I wasn’t abusing or neglecting them. I was neglecting and abusing myself.

I’ve grieved and still cry and think about them every day, sometimes all day long. My therapist has really helped me through this process. She helped by telling me what I was feeling. I have such a hard time with feelings. As I was growing up, all I knew was happy. Be a good little girl. Suck up those tears! Don’t be angry.

Guess what? It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to feel whatever comes along! Enough about that 😊!

It’s almost time to start working, and I’m excited about it. That’s a first for me. I’ve always just worked for the money, and not because I wanted to contribute to society. I think for now I would like to work in a grocery store as a checker. The hours are flexible, as I need them to be right now, and the money would be nice.

I did something that was kind of a big deal for me. My niece decided to do a project on depression, and asked me to be a guest speaker. I’m really shy! I’ve always dreaded talking in front of large crowds, or small ones. I don’t like the attention to be on me. I did it though! Without even hesitating I said I would do it. Nobody made fun of me or laughed or anything that I would have imagined if I would’ve been the old Mary. It felt good to tell a version of my story. It’s kind of an important one too!

So, the moral of this little story is anyone can get help and become a part of society again. Everything is falling into place for me because I have taken the steps that I needed to. Not the steps that other people wanted me to take, but the steps I needed to take.

Anything is possible if you put your mind to it!

Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Mental Health, opiate addiction, treatment

Week Four, Day Six

I can hold the sun up with one finger! This was a fun night. Taken in Prosser, Washington.
I can hold the sun up with one finger! This was a fun night. Taken in Prosser, Washington.

One more day and it would’ve been five weeks since I took any oxy’s. I’m a little confused. I decided to go down to Ideal Options, a local Suboxone and outpatient treatment center. If you click on Ideal Options, it should take you to their website. They’re so nice there. They want to change people’s lives. The picture above is when I was still using oxy’s and smoking weed. I have also quit smoking weed. The treatment center is an abstinence only clinic.

I know there’s a lot of debate over if you should go from opiates to Suboxone, which is also an opiate. I’m going to give you some information about Suboxone that I received from my doctor yesterday.

It’s a longer lasting medication that consists of 8mg buprenophine and 2mg of naloxone. A benefit of it being a longer acting medication means you only have to take your prescribed amount once a day. They are little orange film strips that you let dissolve under your tongue, one strip at a time. It is disgusting. I might wean myself a little sooner than later just because of the taste.

Buprenophine is an opiate that binds with receptors in your brain. The naloxone is a medication that will kick the buprenophine  and any other opiate off the receptors and then bind to them itself, IF the Suboxone is injected. I’m not sure if you do other opiates if the same thing happens. Click HERE for more information about Suboxone.

One of the requirements of getting on the Suboxone program is that you have to start therapy sessions before you can be prescribed the medication. I had a chemical dependency assessment on Monday, group on Tuesday, and the Dr. on Thursday. Usually I would have group on Tuesdays and Thursday, see the Dr. on Thursday, and see my therapist on Friday. I’m so busy with all of these appointments that I really can’t get a job. I saw one job for US Cellular, and I want it! It’s full time but they also put that if you need to be part time first then that’s fine. I really want it.

Now on to the day I was in withdrawals. That would have been Thursday. I acquired some 10mg oxy’s because I thought it would put me into withdrawals, and you have to be moderately in withdrawals to start Suboxone, otherwise it throws you into full fledged withdrawals.

One thing I’ve learned is that there is no reason to be early. They are a very busy clinic, only having two doctor days, and group is supposed to start at 10 but doesn’t start until 10:30am. My first group was nice. There were only four of us which was nice because I was nervous. I had to introduce myself and my drugs. I did a lot of listening to the other women. Two of them were struggling with heroin use and meth. They did meth because they wanted to feel something and knew they couldn’t do heroin. I felt bad for them. I’ve never done meth but I do know how they feel about the heroin. I’ve never actually done heroin, but when you do the amount of pills I was doing, and mixing with Benzos, it’s pretty much the same thing. I didn’t abuse my Klonopin.

Next was doctor day. I was nervous so I scored a little higher than I should have on the COWS assessment. With as many as the oxy’s I was taking, they decided to put me on two strips a day and possibly move up to three.COWS_induction_flow_sheet (If you were wondering what this consists of, here ya go!)

When I got home, I followed the instructions they sent home with me. I started with one and then in an hour I took another one. Let’s just say it knocked me on my ass. I slept the rest of that day and the next day.  I woke up on Friday and was in the best mood! I didn’t get tired, if anything I had more energy than normal. I did some painting which I hadn’t done for quite a while. It felt good. I was also able to concentrate really well. Not bad enough that I was over focusing though. I didn’t feel high. I just felt good. Happy. Not depressed!

Around 5:00pm that night I started to feel restless and not very good again. I decided to try a half of one film strip. That did the job. You are not supposed to take them at different times of the day because that reinforces drug abusing behavior. So this morning I took 2 1/2 and I’ve felt good all day, even with no sleep last night. It did keep me up and I’m supposed to be getting off of the Klonopin, so I don’t know what I’m going to do to get to sleep now. I’ll figure something out, and maybe I’ll even find a really good online support group that will help me.

I am weird, but you still love me! This is four week clean Mary.
I am weird, but you still love me! This is four week clean Mary.

Now, is it week four, day six, or is it three days? I like the four weeks better, but I guess I did “relapse.” I feel so much better. I don’t feel like my head is in the clouds anymore. I feel like I want to get up, shower, write, paint, anything! I just love this feeling! It’s not even a high. It’s just at ease and at peace with myself. I don’t feel like I have to stuff my feelings. If I don’t like something you will now know. And if I do like something I’ll be sure to tell ya.

Well, 963 words later, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and read up on some of my recovery books that I downloaded on the Kindle app. There are quite a few addiction ebooks that are free right now. Maybe I’ll do a book review of one. I haven’t done that in a long time.

Have a nice night, and thanks for reading about this big journey I’m going through!

SOBER MARY!
SOBER MARY!
Posted in family, Health, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

What We Fear the Most

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What do you fear the most? Spiders? snakes? manipulative, narcissistic people? Or is it simply Death.

We live our lives just to die and go to heaven. Why don’t we live our lives while we’re ALIVE instead of living for the unknown? I don’t know what happens when we die and neither do ANY of you.

If I was the leader of one of these “cults,” I would tell you that when you take your last breath, after your heart has beat the last beat, when you’re dead, you teleport to a different planet that is millions of years away from Earth. That would be my explanation for the after life.

But, you wouldn’t have to live your life based on what could happen when you’re dead! For all ANYONE knows, I could be right, and everyone no matter what “sins” you have committed or how many doors you’ve knocked on to preach to people about how they should live THEIR lives!

Death is a scary thought, if you believe everything you watch or hear. I don’t think it’s scary. I’ve come close to death a couple times and decided after the last time, and hours of thinking, I do not care what happens when I die, or after the fact. Shit I may be going to hell, but at least I can say I lived my life. I’ve loved, I’ve hated, I’ve experienced feelings I didn’t know existed, and none of it was based on what is going to happen to me when I’m dead.

I’ve sinned like crazy! I’ve never asked for forgiveness once. Who am I asking? I’m not asking one single alive person! I live for my kids and me. For the people that return the love I share. For the people that have given me those awesome feelings I didn’t know existed. I live for now, not later.
To be continued……

Girl71282

Posted in Elephant Journal, family, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

when ‘I love You’ comes

Here is another one from Elephant Journal that I just love. I wish I could write my feelings out like this. It is hard
going from having no feelings to feeling again. I’ve even tried to cover them up. I have learned over the past few months what my problem is, and now I’m determined to make those life changes. I will have to lose some things, but as long as I’ve got YOU babe to keep my head above the clouds, every little thing is gonna be alright.

“There is a sweet song rolling through my mind. It brings a bounce to my step, a smile to my lips, and that little mischievous, pulsing throb in the deepest parts of who I am.

Such music has become a part of me lately. It has defined my days and warmed my nights. Imagine that incredible beauty as you sit in stillness, as you sit in that holy place you’ve defined as yours, and the warm notes of a million lifetimes come pouring in through the little channels that tunnel deep into your soul.

That’s where I am, and that is where I find her.

In a world confused by me, she understands me. She brings my voice into tune, my heart into rhythm, my sight into focus. She has no need to question me, she is the answer. She is the rock that steadies the sands beneath my feet, and the wind that moves the clouds hiding the warmth I’d like to feel.

She doesn’t own my errors, she embraces them. She doesn’t try to dull my rough edges, they fit nicely with her own. She doesn’t see walls or barriers, she knows that where she lays with me there is nothing but open space, and that she is free.

She is genuine, not preaching a mantra of things she supposed to say. Her smile lights up my day because it flows so easily from her soul. Her voice comforts me, reminding me of the sweet lullabies I’ve heard a million times in my dreams.

Her mind entices me; it is not burdened by old ideas or conditioned rhetoric. She refreshes me, reminding me that I am me, and she is her, but we…well, we are fucking invincible.

In the vast stories of my life, in the many chapters, changes, transformations and lessons that have occurred, I am grateful. Grateful for the moments when I was hurt. Grateful for the moments when I was so cold, survival was never assured. I’m grateful for the pretenders who challenged my psyche, who dared question my integrity as I waited, patiently, for her to answer my call.

I’m grateful for the discipline I kept sacred, for the refusal to bend to the whims of others, and for the strength I was gifted in walking the path, staying the course and never, ever, forgetting.

Why am I so grateful?

Well, let’s just say that the words “I love you” should never be work.

They should flow mindlessly and mindfully at the same time, without effort and without hesitation. They should not be a promise of servitude, or of imprisonment, they should be a guarantee of the liberation we are all entitled to.

Those words should simply spill from your mouth when you least expect it, and they be recognized for the powerful testament of simplicity they truly are. When it takes more effort to hold them back than just say them, you should stop working so hard and let them fall out of you. They are truth, an embodiment of nothing but the truth, and we owe each other that precious gift.

We don’t owe each other tomorrow, we owe each other the truth of our now. We owe each other our moodiness, our fears, our darkness, our hugs, our kisses, our light, our joy as well as the monsters we may have created under our bed.

We don’t owe each other perfection, we owe each other the best of who we are regardless of what that means. We don’t owe each other sacrifice, we owe each other the promise that sacrifice is not necessary. We don’t owe each other security, we owe each other the promise of awareness, even when we find ourselves lost in the throes of unconsciousness.
We become the light bearer for each other not out of duty or effort, but out of the effortless fact that our light is all that need be. She shines effortlessly, like the full moon in the darkest forest, and that is enough for this traveler.

We don’t tell each other those little white lies often told to spare an unwanted emotion. We tell each other the truth, and  we trust each other enough to handle it. Our truth is fearless, as is our ability to hear it.

She may seem in flux to some, but to me she is a rock. She may seem conflicted to others, but to me she makes perfect sense. She may be a mistake to a few, but to me she is utter perfectionist.

She is the answer to my joyful aloneness, the embodiment of the Universe responding to my soul, a reminder of something forgotten but remembered, of a life lived many, many times before.

When all of that comes into being, when the stars align and the music plays, the words “I love you” simply spill from your lips before you’ve even realized you’ve said them.

Three words, a trinity of truth, of life, of a certain reality realized in a moment like the beginning of the Universe, expanding from the smallest space within to fill the vastness of eternity with potential, with creation, with the power of mind allied with the strength of heart.

It’s in those words we exist, and in those words we are filled with passion, with desire, and with hope.

It’s there we are standing, her and I. I can feel her fingers intertwined with mine, her very presence filling all of the once-empty spaces around me, in me, and through me. It’s the moment when “I love you” comes that it all seems so…so…perfect, so necessary.

You smile, you laugh, and if you are lucky enough to be a writer the words just flow out of you like breath. It’s there you know that it was all worth it, so all very worth it, and that you wouldn’t change a thing. It’s there that the past and future become the present moment, and it’s there you choose to live fully and eternally.

It’s there I am. It’s there she is. I think we’ve made a home here.”

Mary’s part 🙂
This is how I want my man to feel about me and ONLY me. Here’s what I’ve got to say……

Here I am – body and soul, all of my love and all of my baggage – all of me. Here I am with my wide opened arms ready to accept you, baggage and all into my heart.

I see you – father, son, brother, lover, the light and the darkness, the warrior and the scared little boy – all of you. I want you, crave the salty taste of your skin, I cry for you, for the harm that has been done to you, all of you, you and only you, just as you are. I have a place in my heart that’s been waiting for you. Please handle my heart with care as I will with yours.

Girl71282

Posted in 100 Days of Happiness Challenge, family, love, NaBloPoMo

All of the Days I Have Missed!

I have missed so many days of the happiness challenge that I can’t remember what I’ve been happy about! I’m going to start over right now!
Today I’m happy for so much that it’s hard to pick just one thing. I’m going to say that I’m happy that my favorite cousin has come into my life. I love her so much! We are so much a like that you’d think we were sisters.
She gives me strength to keep going when I feel like giving up.  She has been through so much that it amazes me that she is so strong. I don’t like that we live so far away from each other, and hopefully I can get her back over here soon!
I love you Beatrice Petty! Don’t you dare ever leave me or let anyone come between us!

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Me on the left, Bea on the right
Posted in 100 Days of Happiness Challenge, family, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

Shit! Day 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, AND 13!

Yeah, I forgot. There’s a lot been going on, but I’ll write another post about that chapter of my life ending….. thankfully!
So for day 7 I was happy to be able to spend time with someone whose so attentive, nurturing, and caring. That’s what love is all about!
Day 8 I was happy that I got to sleep in for a while, ok all day.
Day 9 I was happy because I stood up for myself and didn’t break and go back to that miserable life!
Day 10 I was happy to spend some quality time with friends.
Day 11 I was a little sad, but I was happy for the past week.
Day 12 I was more sad, but I found happiness in cuddling up with my baby boy’s blanket. Smelling his smells that have become so unfamiliar 😥
And day 13! I am happy that I have completed everything on my list! Yay me!
I’m going to get back into the daily thing now! See ya tomorrow!

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