Posted in love, Love Life, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Uncategorized, Updates, what's on my mind

It’s Nice To Finally Meet You


But who is? Everyone changes. Some of us at a higher rate than others, but we all change. 

I used to think sex was the way to a man’s heart. Sex was what made a man determine if he loved me. Pretty stupid, eh? Well, that must be my middle name. 

I used to think people changed as fast as I do. I thought people actually learned from their mistakes. I also thought people would change into what I wanted them to be. I wanted you to be the man of my dreams. 

But, I do eventually learn from my mistakes. It takes me a few times to get it right, but eventually I’ll do as I’m supposed to. 

A year ago, around this time, it finally became clear to me what the truth is. I finally got it through my thick skull what it means to be real. It’s not satisfying your man sexually that keeps him around. I don’t know what that answer is yet, but when I do I’ll let everyone know.

I want the world to love more. Love doesn’t mean sex, and many of you laugh, but I thought it was the same. No. 

Love is respect for one another. Enough respect to take into affect your loved ones wishes. For example, maybe she doesn’t feel like having sex right now. Don’t make her feel bad. Don’t give her a guilt trip or try to convince her she’s cheating. Do you like having sex when you’re not in the mood? Or are women that much different than men? Personally, I just don’t feel like having sex. I don’t feel pretty, or clean, or whatever it is. It’s not like it’s you. It’s me.

Love in being truthful with each other, to each other, and about each other. If you tell me I look good, and I really look like I should be a clown in the circus, you’d better tell me. And please tell me when I’m being a bitch. I really don’t know all the time when I’m acting like the devil in Prada. I want to hear why you love me, how much you love me, what I do wrong, how I can fix it. 

Love is compromise. You don’t own me, and I don’t own you. You want to go out tonight? Do I get to go out without you tomorrow? Am I not compromising enough? Well let’s see what evidence you can bring to the table, and I’m sure I’ll compromise more. You don’t have to give me ultimatums. 

Please just communicate with me. Talk to me. Am I asking for too much? Maybe that’s why I’ve never had my idea of a perfect relationship. Maybe I wasn’t asking for enough. 

I promise to give love to you the best way I know how. I’m still learning, please be patient with me. I need patience right now, or nothing. 

I’d prefer nothing sometimes. 

Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Helping the Homeless, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, treatment

Good Things Come To Those That Do Good

This past weekend was the beginning of our summer here in central Washington. We actually had a spring this year!

It was scorching hot, as it is in the desert, so Alonzo and I decided to buy popsicles and hand them out to the homeless. 

The homeless have been in the news a lot the past month. They set up camp in the middle of town, which really pissed off a lot of businesses and neighbors. 

The city put outhouses and wash stations up for them, so they wouldn’t go to the bathroom in their neighbors yards. 

It was really eye opening and sad. We gave them all about two popsicles each. They flocked to the car like flies on shit. It was sad, but it also made me feel good to be able to make them happy for a few minutes. 

There were 30 families, couples, singles, older people, younger people, mentally ill people, sane people, addicts. All different colors, but mostly the same shapes. Skin and bones. The shapes of skeletons. 

Faded tattoos covered their skin. I wanted to hear all of their stories. What happened to make them homeless? Is it their addictions? Some I’m sure. Is it their mental health? Possibly. Whatever their story is, I respect it and respect how they live today. 

They aren’t that different from you and me. They have families, people they care about. They just live in tents instead of houses. 

They were very thankful for the popsicles. I wish we could do more, but we aren’t that different. The only difference between them and me is I have a super support system that has taken me in and allowed me to stay here until I could get back on my feet.

Please take a moment out of your day to educate yourself about the homeless. Maybe even donate to a local charity. Let’s take care of the people in our country! We need each other!

Posted in Addiction, Health, love, Love Life, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Uncategorized, what's on my mind

Third Times A Charm!

Let’s try this again! I need to learn a lot of things in life, and one of them is to press the “save” button when I’m typing up these blog posts! I just poured my heart out and lost it all! Oh well. You don’t really want to hear about all my problems. Wouldn’t you rather hear about my progress and happiness? This world is full of negative shit, and I don’t want to feed into it anymore! From now on I am HAPPY! Nobody will bring me down!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything good on here. I’m now eight months and 19 days free of those bad drugs. I feel SOOOOOO much better. I’m much more content and just happier. It’s not just getting off the drugs that has made me feel this way though. It’s also because I’ve had therapy to help get me better and change the way I think. I am so thankful that I was put with my therapist, Melissa. She’s the BEST! I have been in counseling for years, and not all of those counselors knew what to do with me.

I’m also thankful for Ideal Options, the Suboxone treatment center I go to. I started with three eight milligram strips a day. I then tapered down to two strips a day. I’m now at one strip a day! I’ve gone down faster than most people do, and I went down more than they suggest to go down. I can handle a little bit of withdrawal though, so I figured if I’m going to feel the withdrawals when I go down half a strip, why not just go down a whole strip? It worked! I feel like I’m ready to go down more, but I’ll have to cut the strips, and I really don’t like doing that.

There’s a website that they want us to go to that helps with getting off drugs. I haven’t checked it out yet, but I’m going to today. It’s called Help Me Get Off Drugs. I haven’t looked at it yet, but I think it’s mostly for getting off opiates and Suboxone. If you’re an addict and want help, click on the Ideal Options link above, or Help Me Get Off Drugs. Ideal Options is for opiate addiction, but they may be able to help with others. Believe me, you think that high is the best feeling in the world? I did, and let me tell you, it’s so much better being sober. Happiness feels like that high. My head is clear now. I can make decisions knowing I’m doing the right thing now. So, go check them out!

A little update about the love life… If you’re reading this you probably think it’s going to be something bad, since that’s all I write about. It’s not going to be. I guess today he finally decided he was tired of the feelings I give him, and he can’t accept my past and move on. It hurts him too much. I don’t know what to do since I can’t go back and change what I have done. He’s not the only one that’s hurting though. It hurts me so much every time he brings up what I’ve done in the past. Do you really think I want to relive it every day? I want to hear how I’m such a better person than I used to be. I want to hear how happy he is that I’m his and only his. I don’t hear those things though.

He bought me those rings and then took them back because he found OLD pictures on my phone, from when we weren’t even together. He’s upset because I was raped by one guy and in a relationship with another a few months after we had broken up. I had tried to contact him and wanted to talk to him and get back together. He told me to lose his number and not to contact him again. He was in a relationship with someone for three months, but they didn’t have sex. So, because I had sex I am horrible and never loved him.

That’s so not true though. I did and still do love him. I have been a sex object to men my entire life. The way I thought I would find love was to sleep with men. I can’t change that, but I have changed how I find love now. That’s what trauma therapy was all about. Helping me to accept what has happened and how to avoid it in the future and how to live a fulfilling life. I DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX IF I DON’T WANT TO! You know how much weight was lifted off my chest after saying that? It may sound silly to you, but I used to think that I had to have sex with someone in order for them to love me. Silly me! Sex is just an added bonus.

It’s been more than eight months since I’ve slept with someone other than him. I shouldn’t have to live my life being reminded of how I USED to be, right? Or is that my karma? I don’t know what to do, so I guess I’ll just keep on being me and taking care of me. The one thing I need to feel complete is my kids. It’s not a man anymore. I want to say that he helps make me feel complete, but I’m not supposed to think that anymore. He did help a little though. He just can’t move on and enjoy what we have now.

I’m sorry, and I have tried for the past eight months to show how sorry I am. It’s not good enough. There is nothing I can do to change what I did. He wants to go our separate ways and maybe think about getting back together in a year. What if I die? What if he dies? Why can’t we take this year to work on our relationship and enjoy each other? That’s all I want. I just want to be happy, love someone with all my heart, and get my children back. I don’t just want to love anyone, I want to love him. He’s shown me what love is, even though he doesn’t think he has.

He said today that he thinks it’s just lust because love is something you give and grow together or something like that. I don’t think it’s lust. Anyways, thank you Alonzo for showing me love and for making me into a better person. I’m sorry for what I did to you, even though I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. I’m sorry you can’t see that I’m a completely different person than I used to be. I’m sorry that you want to wait a year and see what happens. This could’ve been the best year of our lives. We will never know.

I’m going to go let these tears out so it doesn’t become something worse, and I guess I’ll just keep on keeping on. There is someone out there that will appreciate, respect, trust, love and all those good things, me. I don’t have to be reminded of my past daily. It’s in the past and I’m focused on today and today only. Depression is when you live in the past, anxiety is when you live in the future. You have to live for now and now only.

 

 

Posted in love, Love Life, Miscellaneous

So, He Loves Me… A Lot!

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We have been on this rollercoaster ride for around three years. Ups and downs and sideways.
Many don’t have faith in us, especially family members. That hurts. It’s our own faults though. We shouldn’t run to our close friends and family when we’re having problems and then expect them to support our dysfunctional relationship.
They need to hear the good things because it’s not all bad. The good times outweigh the bad times or otherwise we would’ve jumped off this rollercoaster!
On Friday we went to the store to look for Scarface. We left with about 20 movies, and two rings. He says one is a “sorry” ring, and the other is a “promise” ring. He’s sorry, but for what? He promises what? I need to find out the answers to those questions.

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They are very pretty rings. I disappointed him because I didn’t react the way he thinks I should’ve. The truth is I’m scared. I have always said I wasn’t going to get attached to someone and here I am getting attached and shit.
It’s been such a rocky road and I’m truly hoping things are going to get better.

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We do Love each other. They say if the person you Love doesn’t drive you crazy, you’re with the wrong person. Well, he does drive me crazy! I’m just scared that He’s going to keep pushing me away and I won’t come back.

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They do look pretty, don’t they? I Love you Alonzo Lollipop. Don’t let me down.

Posted in love, Uncategorized, what's on my mind

With Just A Click of the Heels….

The pictures on this blog post were obtained by a Google Search. They are not mine. 

maldives-hammock
A hammock on a Maldives beach   

I have clicked my heels. I’m laying in that hammock. Can’t you see me?! Just laying there, soaking up the sun and salty air. The sight is paradise. This place is paradise. White, fine sand in between my toes, a slight breeze flows through my hair.

maldives-chairs
Our chairs on the beach in Maldives

I would love to be here with the man that I love. He doesn’t like to travel, but maybe by this time I can convince him to come with me. This is, after all, my new forever home. There are two chairs out on the beach. One for you, and one for me. Baby, you’ll love it. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right. Doesn’t the water feel great running over your body? I know it feels great to me.

I have found three homes to accommodate our lifestyle. It might seem like a bit too much, but don’t you want to have everything? When the kids and grandchildren come to visit we’ll have everything for them to have a wonderful and memorable time. They won’t want to leave, but when they do, we will still have our home. Our beach. Our sand. Our water.

Maldives-beach

That’s it baby. I’ve clicked my heels and you’re the lucky one that gets to go with me. Please come with me. I want to experience paradise with you. This will be my home for the rest of eternity. No I won’t live forever, but I will be here heart and soul forever.

 

Posted in Addiction, Health, love, Love Life, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, treatment, Updates

Two Months and 22 Days!

This is the longest I’ve been sober for the past 8 years, and it feels awesome! I don’t want this feeling to go away.

I’ve had some real big tests the past week, but I’m not going to let them affect my sobriety.

First was the car wreck.
I don’t know whose fault it was. At the time I thought it was all mine. The more I go over it and the more other people hear it, we all agree that the school bus was going too fast for conditions. She should’ve been slowing down.
Anyways, what happened was I was in a hurry to get in the right hand lane so I could turn right on 1st Street, which was two lights up. There were cars backed up the whole way. There was a little opening behind two cars that were stopped at the first light, and ahead of a school bus. So I quickly jumped over into the other lane even though my head told me not to. The bus rear ended me, I hit a Yukon, which hit another car. After the impact I was a little dazed and a whole lot scared that the kids were hurt.
I got out of my car, shaking like a leaf, and made sure the bus driver and kids were OK. They were. I later found out none of them knew what happened, and one of them slept through it all. They were wearing harnesses, thankfully. I was just hysterical. The police asked what happened and I said I cut in front of the bus and caused it all, through hiccups and tears.
There was a witness that said it was my fault, and the bus driver of course said it was my fault. Nobody came to see if I was OK. I was the only one with a totalled car and my air bags didn’t go off either!
Anyways, I cried and cried and cried and had a dream about buying insurance. I talked to my counselor about it. We did an ABC and a Challenging Questions Worksheet. This helped. I didn’t, throughout the whole incident, feel the urge to use. I was glad I was clear headed.

I had some work done on my teeth all week, and now they’re all nice and pretty. I lost one molar, but they were able to save my other three yucky teeth by just doing fillings. And all I used for pain relief was Ibuprofen. Suboxone has a small amount of pain relief, so the two combined helped.

I was missing my ex boyfriend and wanted him to know how good I was doing. I sent him a message on Facebook, and that was a stupid thing to do. Everything was going really good until this Friday, two days ago.
We had a week of happiness. Then I guess he just couldn’t get over the fact that I had moved on the last time we broke up. He said me finding someone and sleeping with them meant I didn’t love him.
Yesterday he left with his cousin to go Christmas shopping. While he was gone, I got up to get some ice cream, lost my balance, and grabbed for a shelf. Well the shelf was flimsy and one of his precious knicknacks fell and broke. Scared to death, I text him and told him. He was pissed. He came home about two hours later, drunk, and didn’t have any presents. He started interrogating me! He wanted to know how I lost my footing, and said I was lying because the whole shelf fell, but it didn’t! Then it progressed to counting everything to make sure I hadn’t taken anything.
When he first came home he told me not to get angry with him because he had already lined up a ride to take me home. Just a phone call away. That hurt. All because I ACCIDENTALLY broke a statue, that had been broken before and could be glued together. He said he was upset because he had just told me about the other time it was broken, like I did it on purpose.
I text my dad to come pick me up. After Alonzo had counted his things he accused me of having someone over because the pillows were in the wrong places. He did that before he left! The wait for my dad was SOOOO long. He tried acting nice and said he didn’t understand why I was crying. It hurt! After 2 years he STILL didn’t trust me. I told him when I left that I was never coming back. I can’t handle being treated that way.
He wanted to know how I could sleep with another guy. You know how? He was nice to me. He treated me with respect. He was a good man. He saw what Alonzo had done to me and didn’t treat me like that.

So, car wreck, dental work, and a bad breakup. All in a week. Did I use? Nope! I’m not going backwards anymore. I’m looking forward and running. I will not trip, fall, and not get back up. Try me all you want It isn’t going to happen!

It’s been rough, but I believe in myself. I know I can overcome this disease just like I would any other. Thank you for reading and thank you to all of my supporters!

Girl71282

Posted in A Post A Week, Elephant Journal, love, NaBloPoMo

How To Love A Cancer, (Me)

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Here is another perfect article from the Elephant Journal. If you haven’t checked out the site yet, do it NOW! To read without having to pay, you only get to read three articles a day. So choose wisely or write down the ones you really want to read, so you can read it after midnight.

So many of the articles fit me to a T. I think once I start working I will get the full subscription. Anyways, if you would rather read this article on the Elephant Journal website, just click on the following title! Happy reading!

How To Love A Cancer
written by Betsy Butterick

“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ~ Rumi

I couldn’t find an article on how to love me, so I figured it probably best to write one. Here goes nothing (which hopefully explains everything).

To love a Cancer—truly, madly, deeply—takes the vulnerability to discover what it means to be loved whole-heartedly.

In her desire to nurture and give all that she has to improve the world she lives in, she will exhaust herself in the quest to leave things a little better than she found them. Love to a Cancer is the most powerful force in the universe—and she, at her best, is the most skillful wielder of that magical force you will ever find.

Long criticized for their “moodiness,” the important thing to know when loving a Cancer is that she feels everything.

Communication is key if you hope to avoid the misunderstandings that could lead to romantic fallout. A sweet word or thoughtful gesture will have her orbiting the stars, while a thoughtless jab or slighted action threatens to send her spiraling into the “what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this” darkness of doubt.

Because she feels everything, a Cancer often craves alone time, either to be with her thoughts or to rejuvenate her soul from the constant taking in of all that surrounds her.

At times you may be confused by her ability to be equally shy and bold, especially in the bedroom. (Side Note: there is nothing sexier than when she is able to get out of her head and express her unencumbered sexuality.)

Unbeknownst to most is that it takes an incredible amount of work for a true Cancer to break free of the hardened shell that protects her raw emotions. Many a Cancer keeps lovers timidly at bay and only ventures into uncharted waters when it is “safe” to do so because she doesn’t know how to love halfway.

Although she loves being spontaneous, a Cancer abhors a one-night stand because the gift of herself is one she treasures. To feel discarded after a solo encounter (no matter how passionate) can leave her feeling unwanted and unworthy.

As a result of taking everything in, it is vitally important for her to let things out, and as such, a Cancer is often creative and always expressive. Sometimes in words, other times in actions—the fluidity of this water sign lets things pour through her and flow back out again in various forms.

Thoughtfulness characterizes her relationship style, as once in her heart, you are always on her mind. She will give everything she has to you, and in return it takes very little to make her happy. To feel valued, appreciated and secure are among her greatest desires from the one she loves.

Sensitivity to her journey is something Cancer seeks in her lover.

You are not her first, you would be lucky to be her last, and along the way it is important to know that many have hurt her (mainly because she has let them). This is not your fault, but it may come into play from time to time. She is not looking for you to fix her cracks or make her whole again…she just needs to know that she can trust you with her broken parts, as she pieces herself together in an effort to give you all she has.

A Cancer’s past is riddled with unworthy lovers, only because she had not yet learned how incredibly special she is. Once known, rest assured, she will refuse to settle for less, as she has endured many a heartache to get to the place where she now confidently stands.

A Cancer’s greatest gift is her heart—she is loving to a fault, holding on long after others would let go because of that tiny ray of sunshine that promises her there is light beyond the darkness.

What she seeks is stability, though she lives for adventure!

She wants to play and explore and delve into the unknown with someone she is confident will be her safety net—should she come crashing down. Over the years she has taken care of so many. For her future happiness in love, she wants one who is comfortable in their own skin and who doesn’t need her, but to whom she is a joyfully desired addition. She seeks a love with whom she can grow with, not one more person to pick up or pull along.

A well-loved Cancer will give you everything you could possibly want in a relationship, as she has always believed that the fairytale is real. A Princess who often plays the Prince: galloping in to rescue those in distress, falling hard and fast while always believing in the possibility of a happily ever after.

She is a magic mirror of sorts as many find themselves because of the way she sees them. And though she doesn’t view herself as the fairest of them all, rest assured that a Cancer’s love is pure and real and 100 percent genuine. (Sadly, not many people have experienced a love like hers, so most don’t know what to do with it…thus they push away, or worse, take her for granted.)

For the brave soul that is willing to let themselves be loved by big-hearted Cancer, may you see a miracle invisible to others. And may the two of you bask in the euphoric glow that radiates from those who know the uniqueness of writing their own fairytale.

I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did. Did it help your love life out? A relationship or did you find that it sounded a lot like yourself? I hope so!

Girl71282

Posted in love, Miscellaneous

Good Night Ramblings….

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I did a bad thing today. I relapsed on my new addiction. I thought I wouldn’t think of it at all. Then the birthdays come along, 12th & 16th. It even wished me a happy birthday. How come you always said a different day when I’d ask you when my birthday was? Another game? We like games, yes my addiction and me. I’m getting tired of them. I want my vacation in warm water!
This addiction is a bitch. They all are, duh. I think I will get rid of this addiction once and for all. Why keep anything you’ve given me…..which is nothing. It’s kind of hard to write this way. I wish I had the guts to just come out and say, “YES, I TEXT MY EX BECAUSE IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY AND THE STUPID MEMORY THING FROM FACEBOOK REMINDED ME THAT YOU MOVED LAST JULY! SO ALL THESE OTHER GOOD MEMORIES CAME UP, THEN THAT SONG COMES ON. FUCK IT’S 11:11! DR PHIL, I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE TO GO. FOR NOW.”
I caved to be told,  “you have a strong big heart for someone out there, if you haven’t already found one.” You know those kind of guys that are totally oblivious to the world when they’re into a game? That’s how it felt anyways. I’m gonna put a picture right there

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Who is that cute little rocker?! Oh is some crazy 33 years old “cute” girl.
I always wanted a little girl, secretly, I really love my boys and wouldn’t trade them for girl at any time. We’ll, if Brady doesn’t get a damn Job! Just kidding. I need to get a job. Why can’t it just be easy and I’m given one? I know, I know, life isn’t easy or it’d be called easy not life! Good have I heard that one a few times. Want in one hand, shit in the other…… a girl can wish, right? I love this song. It reminds me of the Galaxy club in the Muckleshoot in Auburn that one night. CRAZY night. We always have crazy nights/mornings! Wake up with one of us getting a concussion and not knowing how. And I’ll be back there Friday night.
So, I think I’m going to draw a little! Night!

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Girl71282

Posted in Elephant Journal, family, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

when ‘I love You’ comes

Here is another one from Elephant Journal that I just love. I wish I could write my feelings out like this. It is hard
going from having no feelings to feeling again. I’ve even tried to cover them up. I have learned over the past few months what my problem is, and now I’m determined to make those life changes. I will have to lose some things, but as long as I’ve got YOU babe to keep my head above the clouds, every little thing is gonna be alright.

“There is a sweet song rolling through my mind. It brings a bounce to my step, a smile to my lips, and that little mischievous, pulsing throb in the deepest parts of who I am.

Such music has become a part of me lately. It has defined my days and warmed my nights. Imagine that incredible beauty as you sit in stillness, as you sit in that holy place you’ve defined as yours, and the warm notes of a million lifetimes come pouring in through the little channels that tunnel deep into your soul.

That’s where I am, and that is where I find her.

In a world confused by me, she understands me. She brings my voice into tune, my heart into rhythm, my sight into focus. She has no need to question me, she is the answer. She is the rock that steadies the sands beneath my feet, and the wind that moves the clouds hiding the warmth I’d like to feel.

She doesn’t own my errors, she embraces them. She doesn’t try to dull my rough edges, they fit nicely with her own. She doesn’t see walls or barriers, she knows that where she lays with me there is nothing but open space, and that she is free.

She is genuine, not preaching a mantra of things she supposed to say. Her smile lights up my day because it flows so easily from her soul. Her voice comforts me, reminding me of the sweet lullabies I’ve heard a million times in my dreams.

Her mind entices me; it is not burdened by old ideas or conditioned rhetoric. She refreshes me, reminding me that I am me, and she is her, but we…well, we are fucking invincible.

In the vast stories of my life, in the many chapters, changes, transformations and lessons that have occurred, I am grateful. Grateful for the moments when I was hurt. Grateful for the moments when I was so cold, survival was never assured. I’m grateful for the pretenders who challenged my psyche, who dared question my integrity as I waited, patiently, for her to answer my call.

I’m grateful for the discipline I kept sacred, for the refusal to bend to the whims of others, and for the strength I was gifted in walking the path, staying the course and never, ever, forgetting.

Why am I so grateful?

Well, let’s just say that the words “I love you” should never be work.

They should flow mindlessly and mindfully at the same time, without effort and without hesitation. They should not be a promise of servitude, or of imprisonment, they should be a guarantee of the liberation we are all entitled to.

Those words should simply spill from your mouth when you least expect it, and they be recognized for the powerful testament of simplicity they truly are. When it takes more effort to hold them back than just say them, you should stop working so hard and let them fall out of you. They are truth, an embodiment of nothing but the truth, and we owe each other that precious gift.

We don’t owe each other tomorrow, we owe each other the truth of our now. We owe each other our moodiness, our fears, our darkness, our hugs, our kisses, our light, our joy as well as the monsters we may have created under our bed.

We don’t owe each other perfection, we owe each other the best of who we are regardless of what that means. We don’t owe each other sacrifice, we owe each other the promise that sacrifice is not necessary. We don’t owe each other security, we owe each other the promise of awareness, even when we find ourselves lost in the throes of unconsciousness.
We become the light bearer for each other not out of duty or effort, but out of the effortless fact that our light is all that need be. She shines effortlessly, like the full moon in the darkest forest, and that is enough for this traveler.

We don’t tell each other those little white lies often told to spare an unwanted emotion. We tell each other the truth, and  we trust each other enough to handle it. Our truth is fearless, as is our ability to hear it.

She may seem in flux to some, but to me she is a rock. She may seem conflicted to others, but to me she makes perfect sense. She may be a mistake to a few, but to me she is utter perfectionist.

She is the answer to my joyful aloneness, the embodiment of the Universe responding to my soul, a reminder of something forgotten but remembered, of a life lived many, many times before.

When all of that comes into being, when the stars align and the music plays, the words “I love you” simply spill from your lips before you’ve even realized you’ve said them.

Three words, a trinity of truth, of life, of a certain reality realized in a moment like the beginning of the Universe, expanding from the smallest space within to fill the vastness of eternity with potential, with creation, with the power of mind allied with the strength of heart.

It’s in those words we exist, and in those words we are filled with passion, with desire, and with hope.

It’s there we are standing, her and I. I can feel her fingers intertwined with mine, her very presence filling all of the once-empty spaces around me, in me, and through me. It’s the moment when “I love you” comes that it all seems so…so…perfect, so necessary.

You smile, you laugh, and if you are lucky enough to be a writer the words just flow out of you like breath. It’s there you know that it was all worth it, so all very worth it, and that you wouldn’t change a thing. It’s there that the past and future become the present moment, and it’s there you choose to live fully and eternally.

It’s there I am. It’s there she is. I think we’ve made a home here.”

Mary’s part 🙂
This is how I want my man to feel about me and ONLY me. Here’s what I’ve got to say……

Here I am – body and soul, all of my love and all of my baggage – all of me. Here I am with my wide opened arms ready to accept you, baggage and all into my heart.

I see you – father, son, brother, lover, the light and the darkness, the warrior and the scared little boy – all of you. I want you, crave the salty taste of your skin, I cry for you, for the harm that has been done to you, all of you, you and only you, just as you are. I have a place in my heart that’s been waiting for you. Please handle my heart with care as I will with yours.

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