My last Wishes

I come from a family of dancers, yet I don’t know how 😉 I want it to be a celebration of my life. I don’t want my kids to hurt. I want them to dance. I want them to be preoccupied with the party. Doing the caterpillar around the room. I want one more time by daft punk and three little bird by Bob marley ONLY. Make sure my kids know how much I love them and ALWAYS will, even after I’m gone.

Kinda morbid, right?

But what if I get hit by a car tomorrow? I want my ashes in Jamaica on the Sandy beaches. That way you can have a vacation too. One I’ll probably never go on.

I want what I want. That’s all. Leave all my bills to Susan Snyder, krautkremer,or whatever the fuck she’s going by now.

The most important part is that everyone’s happy. I won’t be suffering anymore. I’ll be at peace.

I’ll see you again 🙂 💜💙💛💚💋

A Story of A 10 Year Old Noodle

10 years ago at this moment, I was enjoying some peace and quiet after just being bombarded with a room full of people I didn’t know. The phone rang. It was your father. He wanted to know how many jugs of milk I could pump out so he could take you for a visit. Funny how he didn’t care when you were in my tummy. All those people he brought up to the hospital didn’t even know about you Noodle, until the day you were born.

The Night I Found Out I Was Pregnant With Middle Noodle.

It was 6:00am on November 12th, 2004. It was a crisp, clear fall morning. 6:00 was pretty early considering I didn’t get a wink of sleep the night before. I was so excited to see you Noodle! I had been patiently waiting for nine whole months! The hospital staff escorted us up to a room. Grandma and Aunt Susan had come with me to see you come into the world. Your dad showed up a little bit later. At first they just put the IV in me and started giving me some fluids and pectocin. That is medicine that makes mama dilate faster. Makes the contractions harder and faster. Contractions are like cramps in your belly. It’s the uterus’s way of pushing you out into the world! It’s pretty amazing.

Mama had back labor with you. It felt like a sharp, hot knife, ripping through my back. So, since it was so painful I decided I was ready for my epidural. Well, by that time I was already dilated to 7cm, and at 10cm is when I would push you out. Since the epidural was given to me so late, it didn’t work. It couldn’t work it’s way up to where the pain was because you were so far down into the birth canal already. Boy was I ready to have you! They gave me extra pectocin when they gave me the epidural because epidurals can slow the labor down.

Before I knew it, it was time to push! One push! Two push! Three Push! There’s the noodle’s head! Four push! Noodle is here! You were put on my chest immediately. You cried, but that was a good thing. Then you started shaking a little bit too much, so they took you from me. They did a blood test to make sure you weren’t diabetic. To make sure your sugar level was ok, and it was. They cleaned you off, wrapped you up, and gave you to everyone in the room, and then back to me.

I was so in love with you. You were 7lbs. 5oz, and 20 inches long. Just perfect. Your APGAR scores were 9/10. Everything was perfect about you! 10 toes and 10 little fingers. We had to stay in the hospital that night and I believe we went home the next day or two after. The first day in our house was a little scary. I had never been alone and was feeling very sad. I wanted your father to be there with us.

You cried the whole first night we were home. It didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t make you happy. Then I tried rocking you in the rocking chair and guess what? You fell right to sleep. That’s how we slept the first six weeks of your life. I had to go back to work when you were six weeks old, and you stayed with Aunt Susan during the day. Everyone I showed you to fell in love with you instantly.

That’s the story of the day I met you, Noodle. I will never forget it. I love you!

NaBloPoMo!

***CAUTION COULD UPSET YOU IF YOU READ IT!!!***

Wow! NaBloPoMo? “What in the hell is that,” you’re probably wondering. Well, it’s this totally awesome event for November. It’s National Blog Posting Month. I have committed to write one blog post for every day in November. Not just here and there, like I usually do, but EVERY day!!! I’m actually really excited about it. There are some awesome prompts that can be used, and I have a lot of every day things to write about. I’ve been doing a lot of tangling and just practice drawing, and haven’t posted any of them.

I found out about NaBloPoMo from BlogHer. Do you know what BlogHer is? Here is a little bit about them from their website; “BlogHer is a platform for sharing great voices, stories, and ideas. BlogHer Inc., is a new kind of media company, created in partnership by, for and with women, and men, who are leaders across blogs and social media and are passionately commited to quality content.” A good FaceBook friend of mine, Karen, introduced me to BlogHer and I’ve really enjoyed most of the posts. Some I don’t agree with, but that’s life, right? We can’t always agree with everyone!

Today is November 5th, 2014. The blog prompt for today is, “Do you feel you have found your voice on your blog? What techniques have you tried to develop your voice in your writing? What are some characteristics of your personality in your writing?” This seems a little difficult for me. I’m a little apprehensive about my blog. I feel as if I only write when I want to complain about something that has been bugging me. It’s almost like a journal to me. I hope I don’t seem that way in real life! I don’t want to be a Debby Downer!

I like variety, as you can probably see. I like arts and crafts and music and so on and so on. I do like a lot of things! I love that I have a new found talent in drawing. I’ve always felt the need to draw, or the desire to do it, but have never felt that I was any good. I can’t draw a straight line even with a ruler! Through Zentangle, I have realized that it’s ok to make mistakes, and those mistakes don’t need to be erased. Just as in life, you can’t erase your mistakes. You can either dwell over them, or you can make something beautiful out of them. I have three children that weren’t planned, but I sure as hell don’t consider them mistakes! They are my babies. My little joys that put a smile on my face every minute of the day. I am so proud of my boys and I know that they are who they are today because of me.

Unfortunately I was a little irresponsible and ended up having three boys with three different boys. I would call them men, but they haven’t proven to be yet. I’m still waiting! These boys weren’t in their children’s lives until the kids were at the fun age and didn’t have to wear diapers anymore. My oldest Noodle didn’t meet his dad until he was 10. He still doesn’t have a good relationship with him. My middle Noodle’s dad would come around on my Noodle’s birthday and Christmas. He was told by my youngest Noodles father that he either needed to see him every other weekend as was in the parenting plan, or not at all. I didn’t hear from him again for two years in which I had called him to see if he wanted to start his visitations. Noodle was five, almost six. My youngest Noodle’s dad has been in his life since he was born, but for the past four years he’s only been allowed to see him for eight hours a week. He was supposed to take a parenting class and then he could go back to court to get his visitations increased, but he chose not to. His girlfriend and her five kids were more important to him. Now he has temporary custody and it’s killing me. That’s another day’s story though.

I love my kids more than anything and even though two of the three aren’t with me full time right now, everything I do is for them. I’ve been trying to get a job so I can move out and become independent again. That’s me. Mrs. Independent. I would rather work 100 hours a week than depend on anyone, like I am now, which is not fun for me. I feel like such a freeloader. I know I’m not, but I still have that little voice saying, “Mary, get off your butt and get a job!” I can’t wait until the day I get the keys to my next place. Or even the day I get an interview and they say, “You’re what we’ve been looking for and you’re hired!” That day will come. It has to. I have put my resume out to about 50 different places, and this isn’t a very big town. I’ve had responses from three of the jobs, and they are job staffing agencies. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I want an actual job to contact me.

I’m so thankful for my friend/ex boyfriend. He is nice enough to let me stay and freeload off of him until I find that job and that perfect place to live. We’ve been friends since 2002, and together since 2012. I’ve lived with him the past year. We’ve had our ups and downs, but what couple doesn’t? I broke his heart a week ago. I did the unthinkable. I cheated. How could I have done that to such a great guy? A guy that let me and my three kids move in with him and his two kids that he has full time. I do provide the food, but that’s it. I just feel totally worthless and useless for what I have done. On the other hand I cannot seem to distance myself from the man I cheated with. I have tried countless times, which in turn hurt him and made him feel resentment towards me.

He needed me yesterday. I’m blaming the bi-polar, you can call it what you want. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me and had nobody else, because I was sleeping. I was coming down for a slightly manic phase and when I do that I sleep for hours upon hours. This is why I have a hard time keeping a job. This isn’t the first time I have let him down because of sleeping. Now he won’t talk to me and I have no idea of his prognosis. You’re probably thinking, “That’s what ya get ya dirty whore!” But really? Does anyone deserve to be hurt? Even the ones that hurt us?

I push people away from me and I believe I do that so I don’t hurt them. One thing about not having a job, is that I sit here and think, and think, and think all day long. I have almost considered myself crazy because of all the stuff I was thinking up. That’s when I decided I needed to get a job and get out. Not for him, but for me. I need to be Mrs. Independent again because that’s what makes me happy. I’ve got it backwards. I want to be the breadwinner. I want to be the one that works 60 hours a week and come home to a nice clean house, dinner, and kids that are fed, homework is done, and they’re ready to spend some time with me before going to bed.

I dream of this house with my children and Him, all of us sitting on the couch, the boys inched up to the TV more so they can see the big bad Halo guy. He plays with my children. He laughs with them and makes them laugh and shows them how it is to be happy, even though he isn’t himself. It’s always the “happy” ones that take their lives. You know why that is? If you know would you tell me please? One of the reasons I fell in love with this Man is because he could make me laugh every day. He would laugh at himself, which would make me laugh at him. “What are you thinking Mary? Look at who you’re going to be with! Look at my hair sticking out everywhere! What a dork! And you’re going to leave him to be with this? What are you thinking?!”

Guess I wasn’t thinking. I see the picture now clearly. We didn’t have our snowball fight. We didn’t get into that house with the couch inched up to the TV to see the bad Halo guys. I messed it up. I haven’t cried over a boy in ten years. I have cried the most I have ever cried in the past few weeks. It doesn’t get any better. I don’t know how it did before because I sure don’t see an end to this heartbreak. Ten years ago we didn’t have FaceBook to spy on the ones we wanted to be with. Now I see all these things he posts and think they’re pointed toward me, which I’m sure the ones about being a worthless slut are, and it’s driving me crazy. Just delete him, you say. I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose any type of connection between the two of us and FaceBook is all I have right now.

Right now I am again hurting someone. Someone that has been so dear to me for so long. He’s my bestie. I can tell him anything, and now I really feel like I can tell him anything. He says he loves me but I think I’m just here for the company. I’m not very good company considering I don’t talk much. We do have some good conversations sometimes, especially when we’re driving. We both like to just drive to clear our heads, but I always want to go with him when he wants to go by himself. I’m a little selfish with him. He gives me what I want if he can.

This is why I have decided to become Mrs. Independent again. I won’t hurt anyone. I don’t hurt my kids. Maybe I’ll save up for a new camera and start doing photography again. I used to LOVE taking pictures. Especially of children and macros. Children are so innocent and they don’t have to pose. You just make them laugh and you have a great picture! Macros make me concentrate so hard, and I love it! It takes a lot for me to just do one thing at a time. Like now, I’m talking to the oldest Noodle, smoking a cigarette, typing this, and sending text messages to a friend. The friend that I am living with that I have hurt. Oh and I’m listening to the TV too. Gotta love Dr. G: Medical Examiner on Discovery Health! No I was not paid to say that. I do like the show!

Well, this turned into a depressing post so I think I’ll just end it now and do some tangling. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Maybe it’s the weather. It’s all cloudy and windy here in the Pacific Northwest. Fall is here! Today reminds me of Thanksgiving when I was younger. I used to be so afraid of the wind. I was afraid of weather period. Thunder, lightening, being too hot, too cold, fog. Everything! I’m not anymore though 😉 So there is hope for me! Have a great day readers and I hope I didn’t put you in a gloomy mood!

A New Doodle!

It has been a long time since I have “doodled” anything. I don’t want to call it tangling because these are just random lines and circles. I did realize that my stress level drops immensly while drawing, even if it’s just simple lines and circles.

What is the true definition of 2entangle? Could it just be the simplicity of being in a calm, relaxed, non-stressed state of mind, while drawing without the final result in mind ? Or is that doodling? why do I , or we, have to have an Official name for relieving yourself from the stresses of daily life?

Sitting outside, smoking my cigarette, looking at the way the trees are once again turning colors, listening to the sound of the cars passing by and the workers in the hop fields is also relaxing to me.

And then my mind wanders. I start to feel my heart race. I feel a bead of sweat roll down my face, or is that a tear? All of a sudden my thoughts turn to why’s , what if’s, and why nots.

I have been criticized for being a 32 year old Kid. “All you do is color. You Know you have children now, so why don’t you stop acting like one?” Now my stomach is in knots and I feel like I have been neglecting my children because I’m trying to Keep the anxiety and frustrations away. Medicine puts me to sleep and doesn’t make my problems go away!

Ugh! I love my children so much. They are what keeps me breathing. When I start to feel all Of these overwhelming feelings I try to bring on positive thoughts and remember all Of the good times.

Then the depression slips in and tells me I should be providing for my Children like I used to when I worked and could afford to make awesome memories with them.

Guilt, shame, worthlessness. The tears are there and really want to come out, but then I would be wallowing in self pity.

“Mom sounds happy, like she used to!” This little, short sentence turned my Self pity into guilt at first. Then after talking with a counselor about it, I felt determined. I was going to be the happy, fun-loving mother that I Used to be.

When I was pregnant with my middle noodle (that’s my boys in Mary language), I worked at the Yakima Regional Cancer Care Center with the most wonderful people around. I was having a bad day and being really negative. One of the nurses came up to me and said, “You’re going to have a crabby baby if you don’t stop being so negative.” I didn’t hear another word she said, and was the happiest pregnant woman ever! Guess what? My middle noodle was the easiest baby, toddler, and just child all around. He was so happy and everyone fell in love with him the moment they met him. They still do.

I really doubt that my attitude had anything to do with the way my middle noodle turned out, but I like to think it did. Right now I feel helpless.

In 2012, after a series of huge stressors, I decided I would allow his father custody of him until I was back up on my feet again. We decided that it would be for about six months, but would do the permanent custody arrangement for the major decision making reasons and to make sure noodle number two was getting the most out of life we could give him. BIGGEST mistake of my life EVER! I would’ve had my boy back a year and six months ago if someone didn’t keep trying to push me down! This is a story for another post, but this little nine year old Noodle is now being alienated from me, the only one that had ever been there for him. I have to watch him become so anxious that he gets physically ill because he doesn’t want to go back to his father’s house. Not just for a couple hours, but pretty much two days before he has to leave. I feel so helpless! I’m supposed to be the one to protect him from the bad guys, not hand him over to one!

That’s all about that situation for now. Things will be changing for the better soon. I can’t watch my child go through this!

Well, it’s 4:25pm and it’s just about time for the middle Noodle to leave for a week. I need to close this up and spend these last few moments with him. I love my Noodles! All three of them, and will do anything for them. That’s what mother’s are for, right?

Peace, Love, and Towel Basket!!!

I hardly ever can come up with a title! I’ve always had a problem labeling things. Anyways, things have calmed down in my little dramatic life, and I’m happy right now. I have my boy for a couple weeks, everyone will be out of school tomorrow, the bf and I are doing great, my middle noodle that has Absence Seizures is doing a lot better. He’s down to about one a day from seven to eight! Yay for medicine! The only downfall is that when he does have them, they have become more severe. For instance before the medication was started he just looked like he was zoning out. Now his eyes roll back and he actually convulses. It’s scary and I don’t like it at all! I feel so bad for him. His activities are limited because of them. Let’s just hope he grows out of them.

Tomorrow is the last day of school! I can’t believe the time has already come. It feels like the first day was just yesterday. The smallest noodle has learned so much. I love it! He is getting the reading thing down real good. I asked him what his favorite part of kindergarten was and he said, “Umm… The assemblies.” He said it in this tone like I should have known that already! The middle noodle said P.E. was his favorite part of 3rd grade. The almost adult noodle said his favorite part of being in high school was meeting new people. He had a hard time this year, being a new school and moving and all that stuff. Hopefully next year will be better! The girl noodle said that her favorite part of 6th grade was math and science, and she started middle school so she had all those different classes. She liked that part but said it got tiring after about half way through. The boy step noodle

So that’s what all those wet little noodles said about their school years! They think it’s pretty cool that I’m typing that up and people are going to see it. Children are just amazing little creatures. I just love them!

Well, I finished the wicker basket project. I’m not completely done. I want to buy the next two smaller sized baskets for the hand towels and washcloths. I spent too much money though, so it’ll have to wait until next pay day 😦 Makes me sad. Here’s the end result of the big towel basket.The towels are in the dryer right now, so I’ll post another pic when they’re all folded and put away. I’m a little excited about it 🙂 Jeff did a great job helping me out with this. I wouldn’t have been able to get it to work without his wonderful brain! Gotta love a man with some good brains 😉

SHRINKY DINKS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!! I went a little crazy, but man they are so much fun! They are even stressful at times. Like when they’re shrinking in the oven. I keep thinking they’re going to stick to each other when they get all deformed, but they haven’t yet! This “I Love You” hand, in ASL, scared me the most! When it started to deform/shrink, it came up like a scary hand coming out of something. Like something you’d see at Halloween time! I thought the fingers were going to get stuck in the middle, but they sure didn’t! I drew this one free hand, colored with Sharpie Ultra Fine Permanent Markers, and Sakura Gelly Roll pens. It’s the biggest piece I have done so far, and as you can see it isn’t very big. This next one was done to go with the hand, peace, love, and ???????

Such a tiny little rascal! It was also done free hand with Sharpies and Gelly Rolls. I haven’t made the third piece to go with these two yet. I’m not sure yet what it will be. So many things can go with peace and love. Maybe I’ll just have you guys pick for me! It’s so much easier that way 😉 Peace, Love, and ?????? Whichever one I pick will get the satisfaction of naming my third piece, and I might just be famous someday, ya know? It just came to me! Peace, Love, and Puppy Dogs!!! I forgot all about Marley’s little Shrinky Dink! Peace, Love, and Puppy Dogs. That has a nice ring to it 🙂 Sorry guys, I figured it out on my own this time, but I’m sure there will be another time I’ll need ya!

Here are the very first Dinks I did. They’re really small and really hard to see, but I know who is in every one of them. Probably because I took the pictures, edited them, printed them, cut them out, and shrunk them!

  I was going to add a little description of each of the dinks, but I couldn’t get it to work. Basically there are all of the Noodles plus Marley, Jackson, and Violet. The little heart says, “12-28” which is the youngest Noodles birthday. I had in mind making a charm bracelet when I was making this one. I definitely need to get some bigger jump rings, and I’m going to start buying beads! UH OH! Another thing to spend my money on! I’m not going to use them very much, so I’ll be very selective and they will be very nice beads. No cheapo’s here! Hopefully I can sell some of this stuff and start making some money. I have three books coming hopefully this week or at the latest, next week. I can’t wait to get them! They’re all Shrinky Dink stuff, but more sophisticated than the stuff you usually associate with them. Here are the Father’s Day gifts I made with the help of the Noodles. That’s it for Shrinky Dinks until those books come! I need to get back to tangling. I miss it!

I’ve spent the past few days looking at DIY projects on Pinterest and a ton of different blogs. You should see my “Crafts To Do List” in Evernote…. Hahahahahaha! Our house is going to be totally redone. It’s in need of a complete make over anyways. Just take a look at that list. I’m a little overwhelmed too, but it’s my own fault! I like looking at things to do, like planning it all out, and then never do it because I don’t feel as if I’m good enough to do the craft. Well, I think I should probably be done for now. This is probably the longest blog post EVER, and everyone probably stopped reading about 2 sentences in! If you lasted the whole blog, thank you 🙂 Now on to write another one on Blogger! No re-blogging here! It’s going to be completely different. Can you believe that I actually have more to write about?!? Phew! Have a nice day 🙂