It has been a long time since I have “doodled” anything. I don’t want to call it tangling because these are just random lines and circles. I did realize that my stress level drops immensly while drawing, even if it’s just simple lines and circles.
What is the true definition of 2entangle? Could it just be the simplicity of being in a calm, relaxed, non-stressed state of mind, while drawing without the final result in mind ? Or is that doodling? why do I , or we, have to have an Official name for relieving yourself from the stresses of daily life?
Sitting outside, smoking my cigarette, looking at the way the trees are once again turning colors, listening to the sound of the cars passing by and the workers in the hop fields is also relaxing to me.
And then my mind wanders. I start to feel my heart race. I feel a bead of sweat roll down my face, or is that a tear? All of a sudden my thoughts turn to why’s , what if’s, and why nots.
I have been criticized for being a 32 year old Kid. “All you do is color. You Know you have children now, so why don’t you stop acting like one?” Now my stomach is in knots and I feel like I have been neglecting my children because I’m trying to Keep the anxiety and frustrations away. Medicine puts me to sleep and doesn’t make my problems go away!
Ugh! I love my children so much. They are what keeps me breathing. When I start to feel all Of these overwhelming feelings I try to bring on positive thoughts and remember all Of the good times.
Then the depression slips in and tells me I should be providing for my Children like I used to when I worked and could afford to make awesome memories with them.
Guilt, shame, worthlessness. The tears are there and really want to come out, but then I would be wallowing in self pity.
“Mom sounds happy, like she used to!” This little, short sentence turned my Self pity into guilt at first. Then after talking with a counselor about it, I felt determined. I was going to be the happy, fun-loving mother that I Used to be.
When I was pregnant with my middle noodle (that’s my boys in Mary language), I worked at the Yakima Regional Cancer Care Center with the most wonderful people around. I was having a bad day and being really negative. One of the nurses came up to me and said, “You’re going to have a crabby baby if you don’t stop being so negative.” I didn’t hear another word she said, and was the happiest pregnant woman ever! Guess what? My middle noodle was the easiest baby, toddler, and just child all around. He was so happy and everyone fell in love with him the moment they met him. They still do.
I really doubt that my attitude had anything to do with the way my middle noodle turned out, but I like to think it did. Right now I feel helpless.
In 2012, after a series of huge stressors, I decided I would allow his father custody of him until I was back up on my feet again. We decided that it would be for about six months, but would do the permanent custody arrangement for the major decision making reasons and to make sure noodle number two was getting the most out of life we could give him. BIGGEST mistake of my life EVER! I would’ve had my boy back a year and six months ago if someone didn’t keep trying to push me down! This is a story for another post, but this little nine year old Noodle is now being alienated from me, the only one that had ever been there for him. I have to watch him become so anxious that he gets physically ill because he doesn’t want to go back to his father’s house. Not just for a couple hours, but pretty much two days before he has to leave. I feel so helpless! I’m supposed to be the one to protect him from the bad guys, not hand him over to one!
That’s all about that situation for now. Things will be changing for the better soon. I can’t watch my child go through this!
Well, it’s 4:25pm and it’s just about time for the middle Noodle to leave for a week. I need to close this up and spend these last few moments with him. I love my Noodles! All three of them, and will do anything for them. That’s what mother’s are for, right?