Posted in love, Love Life, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Uncategorized, Updates, what's on my mind

It’s Nice To Finally Meet You


But who is? Everyone changes. Some of us at a higher rate than others, but we all change. 

I used to think sex was the way to a man’s heart. Sex was what made a man determine if he loved me. Pretty stupid, eh? Well, that must be my middle name. 

I used to think people changed as fast as I do. I thought people actually learned from their mistakes. I also thought people would change into what I wanted them to be. I wanted you to be the man of my dreams. 

But, I do eventually learn from my mistakes. It takes me a few times to get it right, but eventually I’ll do as I’m supposed to. 

A year ago, around this time, it finally became clear to me what the truth is. I finally got it through my thick skull what it means to be real. It’s not satisfying your man sexually that keeps him around. I don’t know what that answer is yet, but when I do I’ll let everyone know.

I want the world to love more. Love doesn’t mean sex, and many of you laugh, but I thought it was the same. No. 

Love is respect for one another. Enough respect to take into affect your loved ones wishes. For example, maybe she doesn’t feel like having sex right now. Don’t make her feel bad. Don’t give her a guilt trip or try to convince her she’s cheating. Do you like having sex when you’re not in the mood? Or are women that much different than men? Personally, I just don’t feel like having sex. I don’t feel pretty, or clean, or whatever it is. It’s not like it’s you. It’s me.

Love in being truthful with each other, to each other, and about each other. If you tell me I look good, and I really look like I should be a clown in the circus, you’d better tell me. And please tell me when I’m being a bitch. I really don’t know all the time when I’m acting like the devil in Prada. I want to hear why you love me, how much you love me, what I do wrong, how I can fix it. 

Love is compromise. You don’t own me, and I don’t own you. You want to go out tonight? Do I get to go out without you tomorrow? Am I not compromising enough? Well let’s see what evidence you can bring to the table, and I’m sure I’ll compromise more. You don’t have to give me ultimatums. 

Please just communicate with me. Talk to me. Am I asking for too much? Maybe that’s why I’ve never had my idea of a perfect relationship. Maybe I wasn’t asking for enough. 

I promise to give love to you the best way I know how. I’m still learning, please be patient with me. I need patience right now, or nothing. 

I’d prefer nothing sometimes. 

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Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Helping the Homeless, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, treatment

Good Things Come To Those That Do Good

This past weekend was the beginning of our summer here in central Washington. We actually had a spring this year!

It was scorching hot, as it is in the desert, so Alonzo and I decided to buy popsicles and hand them out to the homeless. 

The homeless have been in the news a lot the past month. They set up camp in the middle of town, which really pissed off a lot of businesses and neighbors. 

The city put outhouses and wash stations up for them, so they wouldn’t go to the bathroom in their neighbors yards. 

It was really eye opening and sad. We gave them all about two popsicles each. They flocked to the car like flies on shit. It was sad, but it also made me feel good to be able to make them happy for a few minutes. 

There were 30 families, couples, singles, older people, younger people, mentally ill people, sane people, addicts. All different colors, but mostly the same shapes. Skin and bones. The shapes of skeletons. 

Faded tattoos covered their skin. I wanted to hear all of their stories. What happened to make them homeless? Is it their addictions? Some I’m sure. Is it their mental health? Possibly. Whatever their story is, I respect it and respect how they live today. 

They aren’t that different from you and me. They have families, people they care about. They just live in tents instead of houses. 

They were very thankful for the popsicles. I wish we could do more, but we aren’t that different. The only difference between them and me is I have a super support system that has taken me in and allowed me to stay here until I could get back on my feet.

Please take a moment out of your day to educate yourself about the homeless. Maybe even donate to a local charity. Let’s take care of the people in our country! We need each other!

Posted in love, Love Life, Miscellaneous

So, He Loves Me… A Lot!

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We have been on this rollercoaster ride for around three years. Ups and downs and sideways.
Many don’t have faith in us, especially family members. That hurts. It’s our own faults though. We shouldn’t run to our close friends and family when we’re having problems and then expect them to support our dysfunctional relationship.
They need to hear the good things because it’s not all bad. The good times outweigh the bad times or otherwise we would’ve jumped off this rollercoaster!
On Friday we went to the store to look for Scarface. We left with about 20 movies, and two rings. He says one is a “sorry” ring, and the other is a “promise” ring. He’s sorry, but for what? He promises what? I need to find out the answers to those questions.

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They are very pretty rings. I disappointed him because I didn’t react the way he thinks I should’ve. The truth is I’m scared. I have always said I wasn’t going to get attached to someone and here I am getting attached and shit.
It’s been such a rocky road and I’m truly hoping things are going to get better.

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We do Love each other. They say if the person you Love doesn’t drive you crazy, you’re with the wrong person. Well, he does drive me crazy! I’m just scared that He’s going to keep pushing me away and I won’t come back.

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They do look pretty, don’t they? I Love you Alonzo Lollipop. Don’t let me down.

Posted in Addiction, family, Health, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, opiate addiction, Sobriety, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment

5 Months and 2 Weeks

Hi followers! It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I haven’t relapsed, I’ve just been busy getting my life back!

Suboxone is still working! I’m down from three strips a day, to two strips a day, and my appointments are every two weeks now instead of every week! Progress is being made!

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The picture pretty much explains all. I was pretty high in the left one and I’m very sober in the right one! I do smoke pot occasionally, and that’s ok! I’m not smoking it to get high or escape reality. I smoke it to relax this super tense body of mine! It also helps when my back is hurting.

I love the way sober feels. I can feel my emotions again and my senses have woken back up. Opiates helped me escape the grief of losing my boys and other trauma I’ve experienced. It’s great for escaping those hard emotions.

Sure it was hard feeling those feelings again, but I’m glad I have. I’m now ready to fight those jerks for my boys! What they have done is so wrong and didn’t just hurt me, but my boys too. How can someone just rip the kids away from their mother? I wasn’t abusing or neglecting them. I was neglecting and abusing myself.

I’ve grieved and still cry and think about them every day, sometimes all day long. My therapist has really helped me through this process. She helped by telling me what I was feeling. I have such a hard time with feelings. As I was growing up, all I knew was happy. Be a good little girl. Suck up those tears! Don’t be angry.

Guess what? It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to feel whatever comes along! Enough about that 😊!

It’s almost time to start working, and I’m excited about it. That’s a first for me. I’ve always just worked for the money, and not because I wanted to contribute to society. I think for now I would like to work in a grocery store as a checker. The hours are flexible, as I need them to be right now, and the money would be nice.

I did something that was kind of a big deal for me. My niece decided to do a project on depression, and asked me to be a guest speaker. I’m really shy! I’ve always dreaded talking in front of large crowds, or small ones. I don’t like the attention to be on me. I did it though! Without even hesitating I said I would do it. Nobody made fun of me or laughed or anything that I would have imagined if I would’ve been the old Mary. It felt good to tell a version of my story. It’s kind of an important one too!

So, the moral of this little story is anyone can get help and become a part of society again. Everything is falling into place for me because I have taken the steps that I needed to. Not the steps that other people wanted me to take, but the steps I needed to take.

Anything is possible if you put your mind to it!

Posted in Addiction, Health, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, opiate addiction, treatment, what's on my mind

Oopsie Daisy

No, I didn’t relapse 🙂 I did, however, forget to put why I am confused in my last post. I think the answer was given to me tonight, but it wasn’t by a professional. I am confused because Oxycodone, my main drug of choice, also the instant release form of Oxycontin, is an opiate. Well, I was put on the Suboxone therapy, which Suboxone is also an opiate. As I said yesterday, Suboxone is the name brand for 8mg buprenorphine and 2mg naloxone.

Here is a little chart that explains what the meds do.

Buprenorphine and Naloxone = Suboxone
Buprenorphine and Naloxone = Suboxone

So, does that make sense to YOU? Haha! It makes sense to me, but I can’t explain it.

The reason I’m confused is that I was addicted to prescription pain pills and now I guess you could say I’m addicted to Suboxone. Do I have a sober date, or do I have to wait until I’m off the Suboxone? I asked that question in an online support group and was told by two people, the only ones to respond, that I have to wait until I’m off the Suboxone.

Even though I’m on the Suboxone I’m also doing chemical dependency classes two times a week and I have a counselor at the clinic that I see. Oh and the Dr. every week.

So, doesn’t that count a little bit towards my sobriety? Or am I just going from one drug to another? Ahhh! I’m confused. It’s a good thing that one of my classes is tomorrow. Do any of you have any good suggestions or answers for me?

I do have to say that the Suboxone is doing great. I’m not craving the Oxy’s, and I haven’t had any withdrawal symptoms. I also can function. It took a couple of days before that could happen. To tell you the truth, the Suboxone knocked me on my ass. Now that I think I’m on the correct dosage, I’m feeling pretty good. The best that I’ve felt in a long time.

I think one of the reasons I’m feeling better is because I don’t have to worry about running out in a few days. I am taking the lowest dose possible for ME. That doesn’t mean that it’s not to high for someone else or to low. Everyone is different. I also like the fact that I take it all once a day and not throughout the day.

I thought that when I started on the Suboxone it would be like it was when I was on the pills, since it is an opiate. I was so wrong! My head is still out of the clouds, not in that haze caused by the oxy pollution. I was even kinda comical today at my Dr.’s appointment. I was a lot more talkative and I don’t feel high! Yes! I never thought this day would happen.

When I called Ideal Options to get my initial appointment they let me know that there was a two to four week wait. I felt discouraged. I had waited until I was in withdrawals, like I was told I would have to be, and needless to say I was pissed that I couldn’t get in right away. I figured that I might as well just forget the appointment since I’d be basically done with the withdrawals. A lot of people, including another person that is on the program, asked why I would go and be put on another drug. Well, the reason that I did go and get on that other drug is because of the cravings. The cravings made me so anxious and I just couldn’t stand it.

The cravings are part of the addiction that I went through so much. I was withdrawing about every two weeks. I would sit around, text every person I knew that might have some, then I’d try to figure out what I could give them instead of money because I never have money. Sometimes I would ask someone for money, but with the amount I needed to take to feel “good (addict talk for not in withdrawals, but not high)” was so high that nobody would give me that much money. I would even crave them when I had them!

I did depend on my ex for a long time. We would share pills. He’d run out of his and take mine, when I ran out I would get one of his Oxycontin sometimes two a day, if he had just gotten his script. I’m so glad that I’m not having to go through that anymore. I think that’s some of the reason I feel so good.

If anyone has their own story that they’d like to tell, feel free to do so in the comments, or leave me a link to your own blog 🙂 829 words! I think that’s enough spilling of the beans for one night. I hope you all have a great week! Thanks for reading more of my ramblings!

Posted in Doodles, drawing (attempts), Health, Inktober, Mental Health, Miscellaneous

InkTober Time!

Hi everyone! It’s 447am, on September 23rd, 2015. I’m patiently waiting for everyone to wake up so I have some company.

It’s almost InkTober and that makes me so happy! I try to draw one thing a day, but most of the time I’m shaking so badly that I’ll just try patterns out and call it a day!

I hope the shakiness goes away once I’m off everything. I will give it a month to get better. Well actually I’ll give it all the time it needs since I can’t do anything about it.

Anyone out there that suffers from lithium tremors? I’m not on lithium and haven’t been for a couple years, but I still shake really bad. Maybe it’s something else.

I’ll find out pretty soon, what it is that’s making me shake. It’s the first day of a new life for me.  So far so good, but it’s only day one. 

Girl71282

Posted in love, Miscellaneous

Good Night Ramblings….

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I did a bad thing today. I relapsed on my new addiction. I thought I wouldn’t think of it at all. Then the birthdays come along, 12th & 16th. It even wished me a happy birthday. How come you always said a different day when I’d ask you when my birthday was? Another game? We like games, yes my addiction and me. I’m getting tired of them. I want my vacation in warm water!
This addiction is a bitch. They all are, duh. I think I will get rid of this addiction once and for all. Why keep anything you’ve given me…..which is nothing. It’s kind of hard to write this way. I wish I had the guts to just come out and say, “YES, I TEXT MY EX BECAUSE IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY AND THE STUPID MEMORY THING FROM FACEBOOK REMINDED ME THAT YOU MOVED LAST JULY! SO ALL THESE OTHER GOOD MEMORIES CAME UP, THEN THAT SONG COMES ON. FUCK IT’S 11:11! DR PHIL, I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE TO GO. FOR NOW.”
I caved to be told,  “you have a strong big heart for someone out there, if you haven’t already found one.” You know those kind of guys that are totally oblivious to the world when they’re into a game? That’s how it felt anyways. I’m gonna put a picture right there

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Who is that cute little rocker?! Oh is some crazy 33 years old “cute” girl.
I always wanted a little girl, secretly, I really love my boys and wouldn’t trade them for girl at any time. We’ll, if Brady doesn’t get a damn Job! Just kidding. I need to get a job. Why can’t it just be easy and I’m given one? I know, I know, life isn’t easy or it’d be called easy not life! Good have I heard that one a few times. Want in one hand, shit in the other…… a girl can wish, right? I love this song. It reminds me of the Galaxy club in the Muckleshoot in Auburn that one night. CRAZY night. We always have crazy nights/mornings! Wake up with one of us getting a concussion and not knowing how. And I’ll be back there Friday night.
So, I think I’m going to draw a little! Night!

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Girl71282

Posted in family, Health, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

What We Fear the Most

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What do you fear the most? Spiders? snakes? manipulative, narcissistic people? Or is it simply Death.

We live our lives just to die and go to heaven. Why don’t we live our lives while we’re ALIVE instead of living for the unknown? I don’t know what happens when we die and neither do ANY of you.

If I was the leader of one of these “cults,” I would tell you that when you take your last breath, after your heart has beat the last beat, when you’re dead, you teleport to a different planet that is millions of years away from Earth. That would be my explanation for the after life.

But, you wouldn’t have to live your life based on what could happen when you’re dead! For all ANYONE knows, I could be right, and everyone no matter what “sins” you have committed or how many doors you’ve knocked on to preach to people about how they should live THEIR lives!

Death is a scary thought, if you believe everything you watch or hear. I don’t think it’s scary. I’ve come close to death a couple times and decided after the last time, and hours of thinking, I do not care what happens when I die, or after the fact. Shit I may be going to hell, but at least I can say I lived my life. I’ve loved, I’ve hated, I’ve experienced feelings I didn’t know existed, and none of it was based on what is going to happen to me when I’m dead.

I’ve sinned like crazy! I’ve never asked for forgiveness once. Who am I asking? I’m not asking one single alive person! I live for my kids and me. For the people that return the love I share. For the people that have given me those awesome feelings I didn’t know existed. I live for now, not later.
To be continued……

Girl71282

Posted in Elephant Journal, family, love, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

when ‘I love You’ comes

Here is another one from Elephant Journal that I just love. I wish I could write my feelings out like this. It is hard
going from having no feelings to feeling again. I’ve even tried to cover them up. I have learned over the past few months what my problem is, and now I’m determined to make those life changes. I will have to lose some things, but as long as I’ve got YOU babe to keep my head above the clouds, every little thing is gonna be alright.

“There is a sweet song rolling through my mind. It brings a bounce to my step, a smile to my lips, and that little mischievous, pulsing throb in the deepest parts of who I am.

Such music has become a part of me lately. It has defined my days and warmed my nights. Imagine that incredible beauty as you sit in stillness, as you sit in that holy place you’ve defined as yours, and the warm notes of a million lifetimes come pouring in through the little channels that tunnel deep into your soul.

That’s where I am, and that is where I find her.

In a world confused by me, she understands me. She brings my voice into tune, my heart into rhythm, my sight into focus. She has no need to question me, she is the answer. She is the rock that steadies the sands beneath my feet, and the wind that moves the clouds hiding the warmth I’d like to feel.

She doesn’t own my errors, she embraces them. She doesn’t try to dull my rough edges, they fit nicely with her own. She doesn’t see walls or barriers, she knows that where she lays with me there is nothing but open space, and that she is free.

She is genuine, not preaching a mantra of things she supposed to say. Her smile lights up my day because it flows so easily from her soul. Her voice comforts me, reminding me of the sweet lullabies I’ve heard a million times in my dreams.

Her mind entices me; it is not burdened by old ideas or conditioned rhetoric. She refreshes me, reminding me that I am me, and she is her, but we…well, we are fucking invincible.

In the vast stories of my life, in the many chapters, changes, transformations and lessons that have occurred, I am grateful. Grateful for the moments when I was hurt. Grateful for the moments when I was so cold, survival was never assured. I’m grateful for the pretenders who challenged my psyche, who dared question my integrity as I waited, patiently, for her to answer my call.

I’m grateful for the discipline I kept sacred, for the refusal to bend to the whims of others, and for the strength I was gifted in walking the path, staying the course and never, ever, forgetting.

Why am I so grateful?

Well, let’s just say that the words “I love you” should never be work.

They should flow mindlessly and mindfully at the same time, without effort and without hesitation. They should not be a promise of servitude, or of imprisonment, they should be a guarantee of the liberation we are all entitled to.

Those words should simply spill from your mouth when you least expect it, and they be recognized for the powerful testament of simplicity they truly are. When it takes more effort to hold them back than just say them, you should stop working so hard and let them fall out of you. They are truth, an embodiment of nothing but the truth, and we owe each other that precious gift.

We don’t owe each other tomorrow, we owe each other the truth of our now. We owe each other our moodiness, our fears, our darkness, our hugs, our kisses, our light, our joy as well as the monsters we may have created under our bed.

We don’t owe each other perfection, we owe each other the best of who we are regardless of what that means. We don’t owe each other sacrifice, we owe each other the promise that sacrifice is not necessary. We don’t owe each other security, we owe each other the promise of awareness, even when we find ourselves lost in the throes of unconsciousness.
We become the light bearer for each other not out of duty or effort, but out of the effortless fact that our light is all that need be. She shines effortlessly, like the full moon in the darkest forest, and that is enough for this traveler.

We don’t tell each other those little white lies often told to spare an unwanted emotion. We tell each other the truth, and  we trust each other enough to handle it. Our truth is fearless, as is our ability to hear it.

She may seem in flux to some, but to me she is a rock. She may seem conflicted to others, but to me she makes perfect sense. She may be a mistake to a few, but to me she is utter perfectionist.

She is the answer to my joyful aloneness, the embodiment of the Universe responding to my soul, a reminder of something forgotten but remembered, of a life lived many, many times before.

When all of that comes into being, when the stars align and the music plays, the words “I love you” simply spill from your lips before you’ve even realized you’ve said them.

Three words, a trinity of truth, of life, of a certain reality realized in a moment like the beginning of the Universe, expanding from the smallest space within to fill the vastness of eternity with potential, with creation, with the power of mind allied with the strength of heart.

It’s in those words we exist, and in those words we are filled with passion, with desire, and with hope.

It’s there we are standing, her and I. I can feel her fingers intertwined with mine, her very presence filling all of the once-empty spaces around me, in me, and through me. It’s the moment when “I love you” comes that it all seems so…so…perfect, so necessary.

You smile, you laugh, and if you are lucky enough to be a writer the words just flow out of you like breath. It’s there you know that it was all worth it, so all very worth it, and that you wouldn’t change a thing. It’s there that the past and future become the present moment, and it’s there you choose to live fully and eternally.

It’s there I am. It’s there she is. I think we’ve made a home here.”

Mary’s part 🙂
This is how I want my man to feel about me and ONLY me. Here’s what I’ve got to say……

Here I am – body and soul, all of my love and all of my baggage – all of me. Here I am with my wide opened arms ready to accept you, baggage and all into my heart.

I see you – father, son, brother, lover, the light and the darkness, the warrior and the scared little boy – all of you. I want you, crave the salty taste of your skin, I cry for you, for the harm that has been done to you, all of you, you and only you, just as you are. I have a place in my heart that’s been waiting for you. Please handle my heart with care as I will with yours.

Girl71282