Zentangle’s Bijou Tiles, For Those That Are Curious

Hello friends! I recently bought a few tins of Bijou tiles from Zentangle.com, and I’m sure some of you are curious about them.

Bijou tiles come in this cute little tin.

They come with this cute insightful tile. Each tin I received came with a different one. They are called Bijou-ism.

The tiles are blank on one side and the other side you can use to sign it, put the date on, or whatever you wish! They are approximately 2 inches by 2 inches. So adorably cute!

And here is a couple of tiles I have completed.

I have found these are easier for me to complete and be happy with the results than the regular tiles. It’s probably because my attention span is so short!

And that’s about it 🙂 For a complete description and information about Zentangle, please visit Zentangle.com.

Girl71282

Professional? Not So Much!

So a few weeks ago I had to find a new doctor. There aren’t many in this town that accept my insurance, so I picked what I thought would be the best one. It’s a clinic with doctors but also has a lot of interns. They could also get me in within days, which I needed.

I have had a lot of support throughout this new journey of being sober. The pharmacy is really supportive, my dentist, and just people in general. With this in mind, I went into this new doctor’s office thinking they would be supportive too.

I was in for a rude awakening! Everything was going great until she asked for my meds. I got to Suboxone and the medical assistants attitude did a total turn. You’d think I said I had just shot up some heroin! She became very frustrated with me and also treated me like I was incompetent of anything.

I worked in the Healthcare system from 1999 to 2007. I have a pretty good sense of my body and what’s wrong with it and always have. She, the medical assistant, appeared to believe she was above me because I am an addict.

Just because I’m an addict doesn’t mean I’m stupid or deserve to be treated that way! Nobody does! Addicts usually have pretty low self esteem. Do you think by belittling them and making them feel about an inch tall that they’re going to feel good about themselves? No. They’re going to want to get the hell out of there and use.

So, just remember that addicts are people too. Some with multiple degrees, some without a high school diploma. Try lifting their spirits up instead of dragging them down even more. Raise their self esteem as much as you can. Be a benefit in the war on addiction!

Girl71282

Two Months and 22 Days!

This is the longest I’ve been sober for the past 8 years, and it feels awesome! I don’t want this feeling to go away.

I’ve had some real big tests the past week, but I’m not going to let them affect my sobriety.

First was the car wreck.
I don’t know whose fault it was. At the time I thought it was all mine. The more I go over it and the more other people hear it, we all agree that the school bus was going too fast for conditions. She should’ve been slowing down.
Anyways, what happened was I was in a hurry to get in the right hand lane so I could turn right on 1st Street, which was two lights up. There were cars backed up the whole way. There was a little opening behind two cars that were stopped at the first light, and ahead of a school bus. So I quickly jumped over into the other lane even though my head told me not to. The bus rear ended me, I hit a Yukon, which hit another car. After the impact I was a little dazed and a whole lot scared that the kids were hurt.
I got out of my car, shaking like a leaf, and made sure the bus driver and kids were OK. They were. I later found out none of them knew what happened, and one of them slept through it all. They were wearing harnesses, thankfully. I was just hysterical. The police asked what happened and I said I cut in front of the bus and caused it all, through hiccups and tears.
There was a witness that said it was my fault, and the bus driver of course said it was my fault. Nobody came to see if I was OK. I was the only one with a totalled car and my air bags didn’t go off either!
Anyways, I cried and cried and cried and had a dream about buying insurance. I talked to my counselor about it. We did an ABC and a Challenging Questions Worksheet. This helped. I didn’t, throughout the whole incident, feel the urge to use. I was glad I was clear headed.

I had some work done on my teeth all week, and now they’re all nice and pretty. I lost one molar, but they were able to save my other three yucky teeth by just doing fillings. And all I used for pain relief was Ibuprofen. Suboxone has a small amount of pain relief, so the two combined helped.

I was missing my ex boyfriend and wanted him to know how good I was doing. I sent him a message on Facebook, and that was a stupid thing to do. Everything was going really good until this Friday, two days ago.
We had a week of happiness. Then I guess he just couldn’t get over the fact that I had moved on the last time we broke up. He said me finding someone and sleeping with them meant I didn’t love him.
Yesterday he left with his cousin to go Christmas shopping. While he was gone, I got up to get some ice cream, lost my balance, and grabbed for a shelf. Well the shelf was flimsy and one of his precious knicknacks fell and broke. Scared to death, I text him and told him. He was pissed. He came home about two hours later, drunk, and didn’t have any presents. He started interrogating me! He wanted to know how I lost my footing, and said I was lying because the whole shelf fell, but it didn’t! Then it progressed to counting everything to make sure I hadn’t taken anything.
When he first came home he told me not to get angry with him because he had already lined up a ride to take me home. Just a phone call away. That hurt. All because I ACCIDENTALLY broke a statue, that had been broken before and could be glued together. He said he was upset because he had just told me about the other time it was broken, like I did it on purpose.
I text my dad to come pick me up. After Alonzo had counted his things he accused me of having someone over because the pillows were in the wrong places. He did that before he left! The wait for my dad was SOOOO long. He tried acting nice and said he didn’t understand why I was crying. It hurt! After 2 years he STILL didn’t trust me. I told him when I left that I was never coming back. I can’t handle being treated that way.
He wanted to know how I could sleep with another guy. You know how? He was nice to me. He treated me with respect. He was a good man. He saw what Alonzo had done to me and didn’t treat me like that.

So, car wreck, dental work, and a bad breakup. All in a week. Did I use? Nope! I’m not going backwards anymore. I’m looking forward and running. I will not trip, fall, and not get back up. Try me all you want It isn’t going to happen!

It’s been rough, but I believe in myself. I know I can overcome this disease just like I would any other. Thank you for reading and thank you to all of my supporters!

Girl71282

Dirty × 3 = Something’s Not Right

This is week three on the Suboxone Program. I’m angry, down, confused and I don’t know what to do. Of course they don’t believe a thing that I say. I’m frustrated. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. I haven’t missed any of the groups or Doctor visits. If I was back on the oxy’s I wouldn’t be going to the groups and Dr appointments.
One reason is the oxy’s make me cancel appointments. The second reason is I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I believe if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do and/or you’re still using, you need to get out of the program so someone that really wants to stop using can get in to be seen.
I am serious about quitting. I have no where to get the oxy’s and I don’t want them! I’m on the correct dose of Suboxone and I feel great. I’m learning how to cope with my issues. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do. Oxy’s stay in your system for 3-7 days which makes it look like I’m using again. How does an addict prove to them that I haven’t used?!

Girl71282

Relapse vs. Lapse

Today was group day. There were six of us. I really enjoy group. I’ve made a couple of friends but they are having a hard time staying clean. Their significant others are still addicts not wanting to go to treatment. If you’re a recovering addict you know how hard it is to be around drugs, even if they don’t do it around you.

I had a UA yesterday and saw one of the PA’s  (Physician Assistant). A PA is just like a doctor, besides they can’t prescribe narcotics. There are 2 two doctors there to sign the scripts.

Back to group, today we talked about the difference between relapse and lapse. I need to go back to last week. I saw the Dr last Thursday. The assistant told me not to do any opiates after 10am Wednesday. So, in my addict head I thought that meant go ahead and take some pills kinda like a good bye.

I took two 10mg oxycodone. It had been around three weeks since I took the last 80mg oxycontin. Those two oxy’s did get me a little high. I wanted more after they stopped working, but I didn’t take any because I knew I had to be in withdrawals to be put on suboxone.

In group today, the lady that runs our group told us the difference between a relapse and a lapse. I was counting the days from last Wednesday as my sober day. What I did was just a lapse. If I would’ve taken more opiates after the two that I took, and if I got back into the addiction full force, then I would have relapsed. A lapse is if you do drugs one time and don’t get back into the addiction.

I hope that makes sense. I’m not very good at describing things 😕 So because I lapsed and didn’t relapse I get to move my sober day to the original one, which is September 21st, 2015! I’m four weeks and eight days sober from opiates! This is the longest I’ve gone without oxy’s or Vicodin or any other opiates in seven and a half YEARS. I’m pretty proud of myself. I know some people say you’re not sober until you’re off the suboxone but this is my recovery and my life. If you can’t support me in this recovery, then don’t let the door hit you on your ass on the way out of my life!

I feel so good. I haven’t felt this great in as long as I can remember! I’m told this is the “honeymoon” part of treatment. After around four weeks it should level out and I should mellow out a bit.

I’m so happy I had the guts to do this! Going to treatment was probably the second best thing I have done in my life. The first was deciding to raise my kids and not having abortions or giving them up for adoption.

Well, I think I’m done with this post. Here’s a little mandala that I drew the other day. Have a great day or afternoon or night!

Girl71282

Oopsie Daisy

No, I didn’t relapse 🙂 I did, however, forget to put why I am confused in my last post. I think the answer was given to me tonight, but it wasn’t by a professional. I am confused because Oxycodone, my main drug of choice, also the instant release form of Oxycontin, is an opiate. Well, I was put on the Suboxone therapy, which Suboxone is also an opiate. As I said yesterday, Suboxone is the name brand for 8mg buprenorphine and 2mg naloxone.

Here is a little chart that explains what the meds do.

Buprenorphine and Naloxone = Suboxone

So, does that make sense to YOU? Haha! It makes sense to me, but I can’t explain it.

The reason I’m confused is that I was addicted to prescription pain pills and now I guess you could say I’m addicted to Suboxone. Do I have a sober date, or do I have to wait until I’m off the Suboxone? I asked that question in an online support group and was told by two people, the only ones to respond, that I have to wait until I’m off the Suboxone.

Even though I’m on the Suboxone I’m also doing chemical dependency classes two times a week and I have a counselor at the clinic that I see. Oh and the Dr. every week.

So, doesn’t that count a little bit towards my sobriety? Or am I just going from one drug to another? Ahhh! I’m confused. It’s a good thing that one of my classes is tomorrow. Do any of you have any good suggestions or answers for me?

I do have to say that the Suboxone is doing great. I’m not craving the Oxy’s, and I haven’t had any withdrawal symptoms. I also can function. It took a couple of days before that could happen. To tell you the truth, the Suboxone knocked me on my ass. Now that I think I’m on the correct dosage, I’m feeling pretty good. The best that I’ve felt in a long time.

I think one of the reasons I’m feeling better is because I don’t have to worry about running out in a few days. I am taking the lowest dose possible for ME. That doesn’t mean that it’s not to high for someone else or to low. Everyone is different. I also like the fact that I take it all once a day and not throughout the day.

I thought that when I started on the Suboxone it would be like it was when I was on the pills, since it is an opiate. I was so wrong! My head is still out of the clouds, not in that haze caused by the oxy pollution. I was even kinda comical today at my Dr.’s appointment. I was a lot more talkative and I don’t feel high! Yes! I never thought this day would happen.

When I called Ideal Options to get my initial appointment they let me know that there was a two to four week wait. I felt discouraged. I had waited until I was in withdrawals, like I was told I would have to be, and needless to say I was pissed that I couldn’t get in right away. I figured that I might as well just forget the appointment since I’d be basically done with the withdrawals. A lot of people, including another person that is on the program, asked why I would go and be put on another drug. Well, the reason that I did go and get on that other drug is because of the cravings. The cravings made me so anxious and I just couldn’t stand it.

The cravings are part of the addiction that I went through so much. I was withdrawing about every two weeks. I would sit around, text every person I knew that might have some, then I’d try to figure out what I could give them instead of money because I never have money. Sometimes I would ask someone for money, but with the amount I needed to take to feel “good (addict talk for not in withdrawals, but not high)” was so high that nobody would give me that much money. I would even crave them when I had them!

I did depend on my ex for a long time. We would share pills. He’d run out of his and take mine, when I ran out I would get one of his Oxycontin sometimes two a day, if he had just gotten his script. I’m so glad that I’m not having to go through that anymore. I think that’s some of the reason I feel so good.

If anyone has their own story that they’d like to tell, feel free to do so in the comments, or leave me a link to your own blog 🙂 829 words! I think that’s enough spilling of the beans for one night. I hope you all have a great week! Thanks for reading more of my ramblings!

Week Four, Day Six

I can hold the sun up with one finger! This was a fun night. Taken in Prosser, Washington.

One more day and it would’ve been five weeks since I took any oxy’s. I’m a little confused. I decided to go down to Ideal Options, a local Suboxone and outpatient treatment center. If you click on Ideal Options, it should take you to their website. They’re so nice there. They want to change people’s lives. The picture above is when I was still using oxy’s and smoking weed. I have also quit smoking weed. The treatment center is an abstinence only clinic.

I know there’s a lot of debate over if you should go from opiates to Suboxone, which is also an opiate. I’m going to give you some information about Suboxone that I received from my doctor yesterday.

It’s a longer lasting medication that consists of 8mg buprenophine and 2mg of naloxone. A benefit of it being a longer acting medication means you only have to take your prescribed amount once a day. They are little orange film strips that you let dissolve under your tongue, one strip at a time. It is disgusting. I might wean myself a little sooner than later just because of the taste.

Buprenophine is an opiate that binds with receptors in your brain. The naloxone is a medication that will kick the buprenophine  and any other opiate off the receptors and then bind to them itself, IF the Suboxone is injected. I’m not sure if you do other opiates if the same thing happens. Click HERE for more information about Suboxone.

One of the requirements of getting on the Suboxone program is that you have to start therapy sessions before you can be prescribed the medication. I had a chemical dependency assessment on Monday, group on Tuesday, and the Dr. on Thursday. Usually I would have group on Tuesdays and Thursday, see the Dr. on Thursday, and see my therapist on Friday. I’m so busy with all of these appointments that I really can’t get a job. I saw one job for US Cellular, and I want it! It’s full time but they also put that if you need to be part time first then that’s fine. I really want it.

Now on to the day I was in withdrawals. That would have been Thursday. I acquired some 10mg oxy’s because I thought it would put me into withdrawals, and you have to be moderately in withdrawals to start Suboxone, otherwise it throws you into full fledged withdrawals.

One thing I’ve learned is that there is no reason to be early. They are a very busy clinic, only having two doctor days, and group is supposed to start at 10 but doesn’t start until 10:30am. My first group was nice. There were only four of us which was nice because I was nervous. I had to introduce myself and my drugs. I did a lot of listening to the other women. Two of them were struggling with heroin use and meth. They did meth because they wanted to feel something and knew they couldn’t do heroin. I felt bad for them. I’ve never done meth but I do know how they feel about the heroin. I’ve never actually done heroin, but when you do the amount of pills I was doing, and mixing with Benzos, it’s pretty much the same thing. I didn’t abuse my Klonopin.

Next was doctor day. I was nervous so I scored a little higher than I should have on the COWS assessment. With as many as the oxy’s I was taking, they decided to put me on two strips a day and possibly move up to three.COWS_induction_flow_sheet (If you were wondering what this consists of, here ya go!)

When I got home, I followed the instructions they sent home with me. I started with one and then in an hour I took another one. Let’s just say it knocked me on my ass. I slept the rest of that day and the next day.  I woke up on Friday and was in the best mood! I didn’t get tired, if anything I had more energy than normal. I did some painting which I hadn’t done for quite a while. It felt good. I was also able to concentrate really well. Not bad enough that I was over focusing though. I didn’t feel high. I just felt good. Happy. Not depressed!

Around 5:00pm that night I started to feel restless and not very good again. I decided to try a half of one film strip. That did the job. You are not supposed to take them at different times of the day because that reinforces drug abusing behavior. So this morning I took 2 1/2 and I’ve felt good all day, even with no sleep last night. It did keep me up and I’m supposed to be getting off of the Klonopin, so I don’t know what I’m going to do to get to sleep now. I’ll figure something out, and maybe I’ll even find a really good online support group that will help me.

I am weird, but you still love me! This is four week clean Mary.

Now, is it week four, day six, or is it three days? I like the four weeks better, but I guess I did “relapse.” I feel so much better. I don’t feel like my head is in the clouds anymore. I feel like I want to get up, shower, write, paint, anything! I just love this feeling! It’s not even a high. It’s just at ease and at peace with myself. I don’t feel like I have to stuff my feelings. If I don’t like something you will now know. And if I do like something I’ll be sure to tell ya.

Well, 963 words later, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and read up on some of my recovery books that I downloaded on the Kindle app. There are quite a few addiction ebooks that are free right now. Maybe I’ll do a book review of one. I haven’t done that in a long time.

Have a nice night, and thanks for reading about this big journey I’m going through!

SOBER MARY!

Shared from WordPress

“Fear is the memory of pain. Addiction is the memory… – http://wp.me/p6Rvso-4s

Girl71282

InkTober Time!

Hi everyone! It’s 447am, on September 23rd, 2015. I’m patiently waiting for everyone to wake up so I have some company.

It’s almost InkTober and that makes me so happy! I try to draw one thing a day, but most of the time I’m shaking so badly that I’ll just try patterns out and call it a day!

I hope the shakiness goes away once I’m off everything. I will give it a month to get better. Well actually I’ll give it all the time it needs since I can’t do anything about it.

Anyone out there that suffers from lithium tremors? I’m not on lithium and haven’t been for a couple years, but I still shake really bad. Maybe it’s something else.

I’ll find out pretty soon, what it is that’s making me shake. It’s the first day of a new life for me.  So far so good, but it’s only day one. 

Girl71282

How To Love A Cancer, (Me)

Here is another perfect article from the Elephant Journal. If you haven’t checked out the site yet, do it NOW! To read without having to pay, you only get to read three articles a day. So choose wisely or write down the ones you really want to read, so you can read it after midnight.

So many of the articles fit me to a T. I think once I start working I will get the full subscription. Anyways, if you would rather read this article on the Elephant Journal website, just click on the following title! Happy reading!

How To Love A Cancer
written by Betsy Butterick

“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ~ Rumi

I couldn’t find an article on how to love me, so I figured it probably best to write one. Here goes nothing (which hopefully explains everything).

To love a Cancer—truly, madly, deeply—takes the vulnerability to discover what it means to be loved whole-heartedly.

In her desire to nurture and give all that she has to improve the world she lives in, she will exhaust herself in the quest to leave things a little better than she found them. Love to a Cancer is the most powerful force in the universe—and she, at her best, is the most skillful wielder of that magical force you will ever find.

Long criticized for their “moodiness,” the important thing to know when loving a Cancer is that she feels everything.

Communication is key if you hope to avoid the misunderstandings that could lead to romantic fallout. A sweet word or thoughtful gesture will have her orbiting the stars, while a thoughtless jab or slighted action threatens to send her spiraling into the “what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this” darkness of doubt.

Because she feels everything, a Cancer often craves alone time, either to be with her thoughts or to rejuvenate her soul from the constant taking in of all that surrounds her.

At times you may be confused by her ability to be equally shy and bold, especially in the bedroom. (Side Note: there is nothing sexier than when she is able to get out of her head and express her unencumbered sexuality.)

Unbeknownst to most is that it takes an incredible amount of work for a true Cancer to break free of the hardened shell that protects her raw emotions. Many a Cancer keeps lovers timidly at bay and only ventures into uncharted waters when it is “safe” to do so because she doesn’t know how to love halfway.

Although she loves being spontaneous, a Cancer abhors a one-night stand because the gift of herself is one she treasures. To feel discarded after a solo encounter (no matter how passionate) can leave her feeling unwanted and unworthy.

As a result of taking everything in, it is vitally important for her to let things out, and as such, a Cancer is often creative and always expressive. Sometimes in words, other times in actions—the fluidity of this water sign lets things pour through her and flow back out again in various forms.

Thoughtfulness characterizes her relationship style, as once in her heart, you are always on her mind. She will give everything she has to you, and in return it takes very little to make her happy. To feel valued, appreciated and secure are among her greatest desires from the one she loves.

Sensitivity to her journey is something Cancer seeks in her lover.

You are not her first, you would be lucky to be her last, and along the way it is important to know that many have hurt her (mainly because she has let them). This is not your fault, but it may come into play from time to time. She is not looking for you to fix her cracks or make her whole again…she just needs to know that she can trust you with her broken parts, as she pieces herself together in an effort to give you all she has.

A Cancer’s past is riddled with unworthy lovers, only because she had not yet learned how incredibly special she is. Once known, rest assured, she will refuse to settle for less, as she has endured many a heartache to get to the place where she now confidently stands.

A Cancer’s greatest gift is her heart—she is loving to a fault, holding on long after others would let go because of that tiny ray of sunshine that promises her there is light beyond the darkness.

What she seeks is stability, though she lives for adventure!

She wants to play and explore and delve into the unknown with someone she is confident will be her safety net—should she come crashing down. Over the years she has taken care of so many. For her future happiness in love, she wants one who is comfortable in their own skin and who doesn’t need her, but to whom she is a joyfully desired addition. She seeks a love with whom she can grow with, not one more person to pick up or pull along.

A well-loved Cancer will give you everything you could possibly want in a relationship, as she has always believed that the fairytale is real. A Princess who often plays the Prince: galloping in to rescue those in distress, falling hard and fast while always believing in the possibility of a happily ever after.

She is a magic mirror of sorts as many find themselves because of the way she sees them. And though she doesn’t view herself as the fairest of them all, rest assured that a Cancer’s love is pure and real and 100 percent genuine. (Sadly, not many people have experienced a love like hers, so most don’t know what to do with it…thus they push away, or worse, take her for granted.)

For the brave soul that is willing to let themselves be loved by big-hearted Cancer, may you see a miracle invisible to others. And may the two of you bask in the euphoric glow that radiates from those who know the uniqueness of writing their own fairytale.

I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did. Did it help your love life out? A relationship or did you find that it sounded a lot like yourself? I hope so!

Girl71282