Today is my last day of trauma therapy. I haven’t had PTSD since January, and I feel like a whole new person. I’ve learned so much!
I wish they’d teach this stuff to everyone. It’s so important for everyone to learn the things I’ve been taught.
I was taught how to love myself, trust myself to make the right choices, how to improve my self esteem and to make others feel good about themselves. I also learned what healthy relationships are.
My therapist really did a good job! She’s the best out there. I feel so relieved to be done, but also sad. I’m going to miss seeing her face every Friday!
She gave me a clean copy of everything we’ve gone over. I want ever everyone I know to read it.
Therapy works. You just have to be willing to learn a different way of thinking 😉
Hi followers! It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I haven’t relapsed, I’ve just been busy getting my life back!
Suboxone is still working! I’m down from three strips a day, to two strips a day, and my appointments are every two weeks now instead of every week! Progress is being made!
The picture pretty much explains all. I was pretty high in the left one and I’m very sober in the right one! I do smoke pot occasionally, and that’s ok! I’m not smoking it to get high or escape reality. I smoke it to relax this super tense body of mine! It also helps when my back is hurting.
I love the way sober feels. I can feel my emotions again and my senses have woken back up. Opiates helped me escape the grief of losing my boys and other trauma I’ve experienced. It’s great for escaping those hard emotions.
Sure it was hard feeling those feelings again, but I’m glad I have. I’m now ready to fight those jerks for my boys! What they have done is so wrong and didn’t just hurt me, but my boys too. How can someone just rip the kids away from their mother? I wasn’t abusing or neglecting them. I was neglecting and abusing myself.
I’ve grieved and still cry and think about them every day, sometimes all day long. My therapist has really helped me through this process. She helped by telling me what I was feeling. I have such a hard time with feelings. As I was growing up, all I knew was happy. Be a good little girl. Suck up those tears! Don’t be angry.
Guess what? It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to feel whatever comes along! Enough about that 😊!
It’s almost time to start working, and I’m excited about it. That’s a first for me. I’ve always just worked for the money, and not because I wanted to contribute to society. I think for now I would like to work in a grocery store as a checker. The hours are flexible, as I need them to be right now, and the money would be nice.
I did something that was kind of a big deal for me. My niece decided to do a project on depression, and asked me to be a guest speaker. I’m really shy! I’ve always dreaded talking in front of large crowds, or small ones. I don’t like the attention to be on me. I did it though! Without even hesitating I said I would do it. Nobody made fun of me or laughed or anything that I would have imagined if I would’ve been the old Mary. It felt good to tell a version of my story. It’s kind of an important one too!
So, the moral of this little story is anyone can get help and become a part of society again. Everything is falling into place for me because I have taken the steps that I needed to. Not the steps that other people wanted me to take, but the steps I needed to take.
No, I didn’t relapse 🙂 I did, however, forget to put why I am confused in my last post. I think the answer was given to me tonight, but it wasn’t by a professional. I am confused because Oxycodone, my main drug of choice, also the instant release form of Oxycontin, is an opiate. Well, I was put on the Suboxone therapy, which Suboxone is also an opiate. As I said yesterday, Suboxone is the name brand for 8mg buprenorphine and 2mg naloxone.
Here is a little chart that explains what the meds do.
So, does that make sense to YOU? Haha! It makes sense to me, but I can’t explain it.
The reason I’m confused is that I was addicted to prescription pain pills and now I guess you could say I’m addicted to Suboxone. Do I have a sober date, or do I have to wait until I’m off the Suboxone? I asked that question in an online support group and was told by two people, the only ones to respond, that I have to wait until I’m off the Suboxone.
Even though I’m on the Suboxone I’m also doing chemical dependency classes two times a week and I have a counselor at the clinic that I see. Oh and the Dr. every week.
So, doesn’t that count a little bit towards my sobriety? Or am I just going from one drug to another? Ahhh! I’m confused. It’s a good thing that one of my classes is tomorrow. Do any of you have any good suggestions or answers for me?
I do have to say that the Suboxone is doing great. I’m not craving the Oxy’s, and I haven’t had any withdrawal symptoms. I also can function. It took a couple of days before that could happen. To tell you the truth, the Suboxone knocked me on my ass. Now that I think I’m on the correct dosage, I’m feeling pretty good. The best that I’ve felt in a long time.
I think one of the reasons I’m feeling better is because I don’t have to worry about running out in a few days. I am taking the lowest dose possible for ME. That doesn’t mean that it’s not to high for someone else or to low. Everyone is different. I also like the fact that I take it all once a day and not throughout the day.
I thought that when I started on the Suboxone it would be like it was when I was on the pills, since it is an opiate. I was so wrong! My head is still out of the clouds, not in that haze caused by the oxy pollution. I was even kinda comical today at my Dr.’s appointment. I was a lot more talkative and I don’t feel high! Yes! I never thought this day would happen.
When I called Ideal Options to get my initial appointment they let me know that there was a two to four week wait. I felt discouraged. I had waited until I was in withdrawals, like I was told I would have to be, and needless to say I was pissed that I couldn’t get in right away. I figured that I might as well just forget the appointment since I’d be basically done with the withdrawals. A lot of people, including another person that is on the program, asked why I would go and be put on another drug. Well, the reason that I did go and get on that other drug is because of the cravings. The cravings made me so anxious and I just couldn’t stand it.
The cravings are part of the addiction that I went through so much. I was withdrawing about every two weeks. I would sit around, text every person I knew that might have some, then I’d try to figure out what I could give them instead of money because I never have money. Sometimes I would ask someone for money, but with the amount I needed to take to feel “good (addict talk for not in withdrawals, but not high)” was so high that nobody would give me that much money. I would even crave them when I had them!
I did depend on my ex for a long time. We would share pills. He’d run out of his and take mine, when I ran out I would get one of his Oxycontin sometimes two a day, if he had just gotten his script. I’m so glad that I’m not having to go through that anymore. I think that’s some of the reason I feel so good.
If anyone has their own story that they’d like to tell, feel free to do so in the comments, or leave me a link to your own blog 🙂 829 words! I think that’s enough spilling of the beans for one night. I hope you all have a great week! Thanks for reading more of my ramblings!
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