Posted in Addiction, Health, love, Love Life, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment, Uncategorized, what's on my mind

Third Times A Charm!

Let’s try this again! I need to learn a lot of things in life, and one of them is to press the “save” button when I’m typing up these blog posts! I just poured my heart out and lost it all! Oh well. You don’t really want to hear about all my problems. Wouldn’t you rather hear about my progress and happiness? This world is full of negative shit, and I don’t want to feed into it anymore! From now on I am HAPPY! Nobody will bring me down!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything good on here. I’m now eight months and 19 days free of those bad drugs. I feel SOOOOOO much better. I’m much more content and just happier. It’s not just getting off the drugs that has made me feel this way though. It’s also because I’ve had therapy to help get me better and change the way I think. I am so thankful that I was put with my therapist, Melissa. She’s the BEST! I have been in counseling for years, and not all of those counselors knew what to do with me.

I’m also thankful for Ideal Options, the Suboxone treatment center I go to. I started with three eight milligram strips a day. I then tapered down to two strips a day. I’m now at one strip a day! I’ve gone down faster than most people do, and I went down more than they suggest to go down. I can handle a little bit of withdrawal though, so I figured if I’m going to feel the withdrawals when I go down half a strip, why not just go down a whole strip? It worked! I feel like I’m ready to go down more, but I’ll have to cut the strips, and I really don’t like doing that.

There’s a website that they want us to go to that helps with getting off drugs. I haven’t checked it out yet, but I’m going to today. It’s called Help Me Get Off Drugs. I haven’t looked at it yet, but I think it’s mostly for getting off opiates and Suboxone. If you’re an addict and want help, click on the Ideal Options link above, or Help Me Get Off Drugs. Ideal Options is for opiate addiction, but they may be able to help with others. Believe me, you think that high is the best feeling in the world? I did, and let me tell you, it’s so much better being sober. Happiness feels like that high. My head is clear now. I can make decisions knowing I’m doing the right thing now. So, go check them out!

A little update about the love life… If you’re reading this you probably think it’s going to be something bad, since that’s all I write about. It’s not going to be. I guess today he finally decided he was tired of the feelings I give him, and he can’t accept my past and move on. It hurts him too much. I don’t know what to do since I can’t go back and change what I have done. He’s not the only one that’s hurting though. It hurts me so much every time he brings up what I’ve done in the past. Do you really think I want to relive it every day? I want to hear how I’m such a better person than I used to be. I want to hear how happy he is that I’m his and only his. I don’t hear those things though.

He bought me those rings and then took them back because he found OLD pictures on my phone, from when we weren’t even together. He’s upset because I was raped by one guy and in a relationship with another a few months after we had broken up. I had tried to contact him and wanted to talk to him and get back together. He told me to lose his number and not to contact him again. He was in a relationship with someone for three months, but they didn’t have sex. So, because I had sex I am horrible and never loved him.

That’s so not true though. I did and still do love him. I have been a sex object to men my entire life. The way I thought I would find love was to sleep with men. I can’t change that, but I have changed how I find love now. That’s what trauma therapy was all about. Helping me to accept what has happened and how to avoid it in the future and how to live a fulfilling life. I DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX IF I DON’T WANT TO! You know how much weight was lifted off my chest after saying that? It may sound silly to you, but I used to think that I had to have sex with someone in order for them to love me. Silly me! Sex is just an added bonus.

It’s been more than eight months since I’ve slept with someone other than him. I shouldn’t have to live my life being reminded of how I USED to be, right? Or is that my karma? I don’t know what to do, so I guess I’ll just keep on being me and taking care of me. The one thing I need to feel complete is my kids. It’s not a man anymore. I want to say that he helps make me feel complete, but I’m not supposed to think that anymore. He did help a little though. He just can’t move on and enjoy what we have now.

I’m sorry, and I have tried for the past eight months to show how sorry I am. It’s not good enough. There is nothing I can do to change what I did. He wants to go our separate ways and maybe think about getting back together in a year. What if I die? What if he dies? Why can’t we take this year to work on our relationship and enjoy each other? That’s all I want. I just want to be happy, love someone with all my heart, and get my children back. I don’t just want to love anyone, I want to love him. He’s shown me what love is, even though he doesn’t think he has.

He said today that he thinks it’s just lust because love is something you give and grow together or something like that. I don’t think it’s lust. Anyways, thank you Alonzo for showing me love and for making me into a better person. I’m sorry for what I did to you, even though I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. I’m sorry you can’t see that I’m a completely different person than I used to be. I’m sorry that you want to wait a year and see what happens. This could’ve been the best year of our lives. We will never know.

I’m going to go let these tears out so it doesn’t become something worse, and I guess I’ll just keep on keeping on. There is someone out there that will appreciate, respect, trust, love and all those good things, me. I don’t have to be reminded of my past daily. It’s in the past and I’m focused on today and today only. Depression is when you live in the past, anxiety is when you live in the future. You have to live for now and now only.

 

 

Posted in A Post A Week, Health, Mental Health, Trauma Therapy Adventure, treatment

Trauma

Today is my last day of trauma therapy. I haven’t had PTSD since January, and I feel like a whole new person. I’ve learned so much!
I wish they’d teach this stuff to everyone. It’s so important for everyone to learn the things I’ve been taught.

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I was taught how to love myself, trust myself to make the right choices, how to improve my self esteem and to make others feel good about themselves. I also learned what healthy relationships are.
My therapist really did a good job! She’s the best out there. I feel so relieved to be done, but also sad. I’m going to miss seeing her face every Friday!
She gave me a clean copy of everything we’ve gone over. I want ever everyone I know to read it.
Therapy works. You just have to be willing to learn a different way of thinking 😉

Posted in Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness

mental_health_awareness_butterfly_ribbon_ornament-rff6284df03a440279fe779e815a8fec0_x7s2y_8byvr_324After much debating in my already tangled head, I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to start a blog about mental health, as I am a survivor and advocate. It’s not a hush hush issue anymore! Not with me around! So I’m going to do some research, and get this all organized in my brain. This is a hard thing for me to do as my brain is just a big jumbled mess right now.

One thing that I think is fair to tell you is my diagnose(s). I am Bi-Polar 1, Anorexic, Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and I believe that’s it 🙂 I’ll let ya know if I come up with anymore diagnoses once I see the doctor. I haven’t been in treatment since about December 2013. I have decided, with some much needed butt kicking, that I’m going to go back into therapy and get the help that I need. When I was in therapy before, from 2009 until 2013, we never really dealt with the deep down rooted problems that I have. It was all about an abusive relationship. Well, to tell ya the truth, as long as you don’t yell or throw things around me I’m fine. What I really need to deal with is the fact that I was violated by people whom were very close to me. As of now, I do not believe that I was born Bi-Polar. I have always had depression, and when I was feeling good I would do stupid, irresponsible things, but I don’t think the true Bi-Polar came out until after I was exposed to an abusive relationship. This may not be the case as I learn more about all of my diseases and get back into therapy for the real reasons.

All I want out of life is to feel as happy as I did in 2003 to 2007. I miss those days. I miss working. My problem with working right now is that I am not reliable enough. I never know when a depression is going to hit, or a manic episode is going to hit and I don’t make it to work because I’m out doing something irresponsible. All of my responsibilities have gone out the window. Is it because I have an enabler? Someone who doesn’t push me to get a job. Doesn’t say, “Get a job, or get out!” I don’t know what it is, and what I am hoping is that this journey will help me figure out these things, and also help others with mental health disorders realize that they aren’t alone. Nobody’s disease is worse than yours. It’s not a competition. For some God awful reason we were given these disorders to help others. Let’s do it.