Posted in Addiction, Health, love, Love Life, Mental Health, opiate addiction, Sobriety, treatment, Updates

Two Months and 22 Days!

This is the longest I’ve been sober for the past 8 years, and it feels awesome! I don’t want this feeling to go away.

I’ve had some real big tests the past week, but I’m not going to let them affect my sobriety.

First was the car wreck.
I don’t know whose fault it was. At the time I thought it was all mine. The more I go over it and the more other people hear it, we all agree that the school bus was going too fast for conditions. She should’ve been slowing down.
Anyways, what happened was I was in a hurry to get in the right hand lane so I could turn right on 1st Street, which was two lights up. There were cars backed up the whole way. There was a little opening behind two cars that were stopped at the first light, and ahead of a school bus. So I quickly jumped over into the other lane even though my head told me not to. The bus rear ended me, I hit a Yukon, which hit another car. After the impact I was a little dazed and a whole lot scared that the kids were hurt.
I got out of my car, shaking like a leaf, and made sure the bus driver and kids were OK. They were. I later found out none of them knew what happened, and one of them slept through it all. They were wearing harnesses, thankfully. I was just hysterical. The police asked what happened and I said I cut in front of the bus and caused it all, through hiccups and tears.
There was a witness that said it was my fault, and the bus driver of course said it was my fault. Nobody came to see if I was OK. I was the only one with a totalled car and my air bags didn’t go off either!
Anyways, I cried and cried and cried and had a dream about buying insurance. I talked to my counselor about it. We did an ABC and a Challenging Questions Worksheet. This helped. I didn’t, throughout the whole incident, feel the urge to use. I was glad I was clear headed.

I had some work done on my teeth all week, and now they’re all nice and pretty. I lost one molar, but they were able to save my other three yucky teeth by just doing fillings. And all I used for pain relief was Ibuprofen. Suboxone has a small amount of pain relief, so the two combined helped.

I was missing my ex boyfriend and wanted him to know how good I was doing. I sent him a message on Facebook, and that was a stupid thing to do. Everything was going really good until this Friday, two days ago.
We had a week of happiness. Then I guess he just couldn’t get over the fact that I had moved on the last time we broke up. He said me finding someone and sleeping with them meant I didn’t love him.
Yesterday he left with his cousin to go Christmas shopping. While he was gone, I got up to get some ice cream, lost my balance, and grabbed for a shelf. Well the shelf was flimsy and one of his precious knicknacks fell and broke. Scared to death, I text him and told him. He was pissed. He came home about two hours later, drunk, and didn’t have any presents. He started interrogating me! He wanted to know how I lost my footing, and said I was lying because the whole shelf fell, but it didn’t! Then it progressed to counting everything to make sure I hadn’t taken anything.
When he first came home he told me not to get angry with him because he had already lined up a ride to take me home. Just a phone call away. That hurt. All because I ACCIDENTALLY broke a statue, that had been broken before and could be glued together. He said he was upset because he had just told me about the other time it was broken, like I did it on purpose.
I text my dad to come pick me up. After Alonzo had counted his things he accused me of having someone over because the pillows were in the wrong places. He did that before he left! The wait for my dad was SOOOO long. He tried acting nice and said he didn’t understand why I was crying. It hurt! After 2 years he STILL didn’t trust me. I told him when I left that I was never coming back. I can’t handle being treated that way.
He wanted to know how I could sleep with another guy. You know how? He was nice to me. He treated me with respect. He was a good man. He saw what Alonzo had done to me and didn’t treat me like that.

So, car wreck, dental work, and a bad breakup. All in a week. Did I use? Nope! I’m not going backwards anymore. I’m looking forward and running. I will not trip, fall, and not get back up. Try me all you want It isn’t going to happen!

It’s been rough, but I believe in myself. I know I can overcome this disease just like I would any other. Thank you for reading and thank you to all of my supporters!


Posted in Miscellaneous

What Do You See?


What is your first impression of this picture? We’re happy? Love each other? Are having a great day? Well, those are all for the most part true. Here’s my story…..

What you probably don’t see is the hurt in both of our eyes. We have been seeing each other for around a year, and this whole year I have been with another man. The other man has known about this secret one, but thought it was purely platonic. I feel horrible, but no matter what I do or did I ALWAYS ended up going back to him.

This man is the complete opposite of what I’ve always looked for. He’s the first interracial relationship I have been in. He has taught me SO much, and I just feel so happy around him. It’s not all peaches and cream though! For one, I know he will never trust me, or it will take a lot of time to prove to him that I only want him. He thinks I talk to other guys, and just tonight we had an argument about it which ended with him telling me to, “Suck dick!”

It hurts. I’ve been dragging him along for the past year, not sure if what I was going to do. I didn’t feel ready to go back to work yet, and I had no way of getting a place to live in without working. Thankfully that had been overcome and I’m waiting for a job with arms wide open.

In the beginning of our relationship he was crazy about us. Thought the same way I did as far as things happening for a reason and that we were meant to be together. Then slowly I ruined it. I would tell him I was going to come over, and then not even talk to him for a week to a month. I KNOW how that feels! It feels absolutely horrible!

Why did I do that? Sometimes it was because I slept in and knew he’d be mad at me so I just chose the ignore him. Then he would text me every day that he loved me and missed me.

Pretty soon there were no more texts every day telling me he loved me. He’d had enough. I had played with his emotions too much. It was now me texting him, telling him I loved him and couldn’t live without him. He’d tell me to come over, we’d have make up sex. He’d whisper in my ear to “never leave him.”

What I want more than anything is for my future to involve him. I can see what it would be like and I WANT IT! I wrote him a couple letters in the beginning about why I loved him. It was the God’s honest truth and still is, except now I think there are more reasons.

I’ve never felt this way about someone for this long. He’s been treating me pretty bad lately, mixed with those good times. Just enough good times to keep me coming back. Tonight he’s mad at me because I took a nap and didn’t text him right back. I’ve given him plenty of chances to look at my phone and Facebook and he won’t. I’ve never allowed anyone to look at those things.

I’ve compromised a lot in this relationship and he just expects me to change things over night. He doesn’t understand that I’ve been working the past 7ish years at a daycare. My medical background is non existent according to medical offices, even though I haven’t forgotten a thing. It’s very frustrating. So many jobs require now that you’re bilingual in English/Spanish. That’s the one thing keeping me from getting a lot of jobs.

I’m not going to ask for advice. My gut keeps telling me to go back, that we aren’t through yet. Everyone will say, “leave him! He’s mean to you!” I’m tough. I can handle it. He’s insecure and maybe my job is to make him feel more secure. I’m done hurting him, but for God’s sake, can’t a girl take a nap?!

I miss my lollipop. Just remember that just because a couple seems to look happy, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. You don’t know what happens day to day.

I love you baby, and I’m going to keep on praying that things will get better and stay better. I’m going to pray for you to overcome the hurt I have caused just as I overcome the hurt you cause me. I don’t expect you to forget, but do forgive and move on so we can have our future together. In seven minutes it will be 11:11pm. He used to always text me that he loved me a at that time. I want it back. I want to repair the mess I have created and I’m going to!
I’m in love with a Hispanic.