I love many things; my boys, recovery, painting, drawing, crocheting, knitting, and the list goes on. Recovery from PTSD and addiction. Acrylic and watercolor painting. Soft yarn, in neutral colors. This is my place to ramble and not have to hear the judgements of others. Thank you.
The pictures on this blog post were obtained by a Google Search. They are not mine.
I have clicked my heels. I’m laying in that hammock. Can’t you see me?! Just laying there, soaking up the sun and salty air. The sight is paradise. This place is paradise. White, fine sand in between my toes, a slight breeze flows through my hair.
I would love to be here with the man that I love. He doesn’t like to travel, but maybe by this time I can convince him to come with me. This is, after all, my new forever home. There are two chairs out on the beach. One for you, and one for me. Baby, you’ll love it. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right. Doesn’t the water feel great running over your body? I know it feels great to me.
Our weekend home
The big vacation home
I have found three homes to accommodate our lifestyle. It might seem like a bit too much, but don’t you want to have everything? When the kids and grandchildren come to visit we’ll have everything for them to have a wonderful and memorable time. They won’t want to leave, but when they do, we will still have our home. Our beach. Our sand. Our water.
That’s it baby. I’ve clicked my heels and you’re the lucky one that gets to go with me. Please come with me. I want to experience paradise with you. This will be my home for the rest of eternity. No I won’t live forever, but I will be here heart and soul forever.
Hi followers! It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I haven’t relapsed, I’ve just been busy getting my life back!
Suboxone is still working! I’m down from three strips a day, to two strips a day, and my appointments are every two weeks now instead of every week! Progress is being made!
The picture pretty much explains all. I was pretty high in the left one and I’m very sober in the right one! I do smoke pot occasionally, and that’s ok! I’m not smoking it to get high or escape reality. I smoke it to relax this super tense body of mine! It also helps when my back is hurting.
I love the way sober feels. I can feel my emotions again and my senses have woken back up. Opiates helped me escape the grief of losing my boys and other trauma I’ve experienced. It’s great for escaping those hard emotions.
Sure it was hard feeling those feelings again, but I’m glad I have. I’m now ready to fight those jerks for my boys! What they have done is so wrong and didn’t just hurt me, but my boys too. How can someone just rip the kids away from their mother? I wasn’t abusing or neglecting them. I was neglecting and abusing myself.
I’ve grieved and still cry and think about them every day, sometimes all day long. My therapist has really helped me through this process. She helped by telling me what I was feeling. I have such a hard time with feelings. As I was growing up, all I knew was happy. Be a good little girl. Suck up those tears! Don’t be angry.
Guess what? It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to feel whatever comes along! Enough about that 😊!
It’s almost time to start working, and I’m excited about it. That’s a first for me. I’ve always just worked for the money, and not because I wanted to contribute to society. I think for now I would like to work in a grocery store as a checker. The hours are flexible, as I need them to be right now, and the money would be nice.
I did something that was kind of a big deal for me. My niece decided to do a project on depression, and asked me to be a guest speaker. I’m really shy! I’ve always dreaded talking in front of large crowds, or small ones. I don’t like the attention to be on me. I did it though! Without even hesitating I said I would do it. Nobody made fun of me or laughed or anything that I would have imagined if I would’ve been the old Mary. It felt good to tell a version of my story. It’s kind of an important one too!
So, the moral of this little story is anyone can get help and become a part of society again. Everything is falling into place for me because I have taken the steps that I needed to. Not the steps that other people wanted me to take, but the steps I needed to take.
So a few weeks ago I had to find a new doctor. There aren’t many in this town that accept my insurance, so I picked what I thought would be the best one. It’s a clinic with doctors but also has a lot of interns. They could also get me in within days, which I needed.
I have had a lot of support throughout this new journey of being sober. The pharmacy is really supportive, my dentist, and just people in general. With this in mind, I went into this new doctor’s office thinking they would be supportive too.
I was in for a rude awakening! Everything was going great until she asked for my meds. I got to Suboxone and the medical assistants attitude did a total turn. You’d think I said I had just shot up some heroin! She became very frustrated with me and also treated me like I was incompetent of anything.
I worked in the Healthcare system from 1999 to 2007. I have a pretty good sense of my body and what’s wrong with it and always have. She, the medical assistant, appeared to believe she was above me because I am an addict.
Just because I’m an addict doesn’t mean I’m stupid or deserve to be treated that way! Nobody does! Addicts usually have pretty low self esteem. Do you think by belittling them and making them feel about an inch tall that they’re going to feel good about themselves? No. They’re going to want to get the hell out of there and use.
So, just remember that addicts are people too. Some with multiple degrees, some without a high school diploma. Try lifting their spirits up instead of dragging them down even more. Raise their self esteem as much as you can. Be a benefit in the war on addiction!
This is the longest I’ve been sober for the past 8 years, and it feels awesome! I don’t want this feeling to go away.
I’ve had some real big tests the past week, but I’m not going to let them affect my sobriety.
First was the car wreck.
I don’t know whose fault it was. At the time I thought it was all mine. The more I go over it and the more other people hear it, we all agree that the school bus was going too fast for conditions. She should’ve been slowing down.
Anyways, what happened was I was in a hurry to get in the right hand lane so I could turn right on 1st Street, which was two lights up. There were cars backed up the whole way. There was a little opening behind two cars that were stopped at the first light, and ahead of a school bus. So I quickly jumped over into the other lane even though my head told me not to. The bus rear ended me, I hit a Yukon, which hit another car. After the impact I was a little dazed and a whole lot scared that the kids were hurt.
I got out of my car, shaking like a leaf, and made sure the bus driver and kids were OK. They were. I later found out none of them knew what happened, and one of them slept through it all. They were wearing harnesses, thankfully. I was just hysterical. The police asked what happened and I said I cut in front of the bus and caused it all, through hiccups and tears.
There was a witness that said it was my fault, and the bus driver of course said it was my fault. Nobody came to see if I was OK. I was the only one with a totalled car and my air bags didn’t go off either!
Anyways, I cried and cried and cried and had a dream about buying insurance. I talked to my counselor about it. We did an ABC and a Challenging Questions Worksheet. This helped. I didn’t, throughout the whole incident, feel the urge to use. I was glad I was clear headed.
I had some work done on my teeth all week, and now they’re all nice and pretty. I lost one molar, but they were able to save my other three yucky teeth by just doing fillings. And all I used for pain relief was Ibuprofen. Suboxone has a small amount of pain relief, so the two combined helped.
I was missing my ex boyfriend and wanted him to know how good I was doing. I sent him a message on Facebook, and that was a stupid thing to do. Everything was going really good until this Friday, two days ago.
We had a week of happiness. Then I guess he just couldn’t get over the fact that I had moved on the last time we broke up. He said me finding someone and sleeping with them meant I didn’t love him.
Yesterday he left with his cousin to go Christmas shopping. While he was gone, I got up to get some ice cream, lost my balance, and grabbed for a shelf. Well the shelf was flimsy and one of his precious knicknacks fell and broke. Scared to death, I text him and told him. He was pissed. He came home about two hours later, drunk, and didn’t have any presents. He started interrogating me! He wanted to know how I lost my footing, and said I was lying because the whole shelf fell, but it didn’t! Then it progressed to counting everything to make sure I hadn’t taken anything.
When he first came home he told me not to get angry with him because he had already lined up a ride to take me home. Just a phone call away. That hurt. All because I ACCIDENTALLY broke a statue, that had been broken before and could be glued together. He said he was upset because he had just told me about the other time it was broken, like I did it on purpose.
I text my dad to come pick me up. After Alonzo had counted his things he accused me of having someone over because the pillows were in the wrong places. He did that before he left! The wait for my dad was SOOOO long. He tried acting nice and said he didn’t understand why I was crying. It hurt! After 2 years he STILL didn’t trust me. I told him when I left that I was never coming back. I can’t handle being treated that way.
He wanted to know how I could sleep with another guy. You know how? He was nice to me. He treated me with respect. He was a good man. He saw what Alonzo had done to me and didn’t treat me like that.
So, car wreck, dental work, and a bad breakup. All in a week. Did I use? Nope! I’m not going backwards anymore. I’m looking forward and running. I will not trip, fall, and not get back up. Try me all you want It isn’t going to happen!
It’s been rough, but I believe in myself. I know I can overcome this disease just like I would any other. Thank you for reading and thank you to all of my supporters!
This is week three on the Suboxone Program. I’m angry, down, confused and I don’t know what to do. Of course they don’t believe a thing that I say. I’m frustrated. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. I haven’t missed any of the groups or Doctor visits. If I was back on the oxy’s I wouldn’t be going to the groups and Dr appointments.
One reason is the oxy’s make me cancel appointments. The second reason is I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I believe if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do and/or you’re still using, you need to get out of the program so someone that really wants to stop using can get in to be seen.
I am serious about quitting. I have no where to get the oxy’s and I don’t want them! I’m on the correct dose of Suboxone and I feel great. I’m learning how to cope with my issues. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do. Oxy’s stay in your system for 3-7 days which makes it look like I’m using again. How does an addict prove to them that I haven’t used?!
Today was group day. There were six of us. I really enjoy group. I’ve made a couple of friends but they are having a hard time staying clean. Their significant others are still addicts not wanting to go to treatment. If you’re a recovering addict you know how hard it is to be around drugs, even if they don’t do it around you.
I had a UA yesterday and saw one of the PA’s (Physician Assistant). A PA is just like a doctor, besides they can’t prescribe narcotics. There are 2 two doctors there to sign the scripts.
Back to group, today we talked about the difference between relapse and lapse. I need to go back to last week. I saw the Dr last Thursday. The assistant told me not to do any opiates after 10am Wednesday. So, in my addict head I thought that meant go ahead and take some pills kinda like a good bye.
I took two 10mg oxycodone. It had been around three weeks since I took the last 80mg oxycontin. Those two oxy’s did get me a little high. I wanted more after they stopped working, but I didn’t take any because I knew I had to be in withdrawals to be put on suboxone.
In group today, the lady that runs our group told us the difference between a relapse and a lapse. I was counting the days from last Wednesday as my sober day. What I did was just a lapse. If I would’ve taken more opiates after the two that I took, and if I got back into the addiction full force, then I would have relapsed. A lapse is if you do drugs one time and don’t get back into the addiction.
I hope that makes sense. I’m not very good at describing things 😕 So because I lapsed and didn’t relapse I get to move my sober day to the original one, which is September 21st, 2015! I’m four weeks and eight days sober from opiates! This is the longest I’ve gone without oxy’s or Vicodin or any other opiates in seven and a half YEARS. I’m pretty proud of myself. I know some people say you’re not sober until you’re off the suboxone but this is my recovery and my life. If you can’t support me in this recovery, then don’t let the door hit you on your ass on the way out of my life!
I feel so good. I haven’t felt this great in as long as I can remember! I’m told this is the “honeymoon” part of treatment. After around four weeks it should level out and I should mellow out a bit.
I’m so happy I had the guts to do this! Going to treatment was probably the second best thing I have done in my life. The first was deciding to raise my kids and not having abortions or giving them up for adoption.
Well, I think I’m done with this post. Here’s a little mandala that I drew the other day. Have a great day or afternoon or night!
No, I didn’t relapse 🙂 I did, however, forget to put why I am confused in my last post. I think the answer was given to me tonight, but it wasn’t by a professional. I am confused because Oxycodone, my main drug of choice, also the instant release form of Oxycontin, is an opiate. Well, I was put on the Suboxone therapy, which Suboxone is also an opiate. As I said yesterday, Suboxone is the name brand for 8mg buprenorphine and 2mg naloxone.
Here is a little chart that explains what the meds do.
So, does that make sense to YOU? Haha! It makes sense to me, but I can’t explain it.
The reason I’m confused is that I was addicted to prescription pain pills and now I guess you could say I’m addicted to Suboxone. Do I have a sober date, or do I have to wait until I’m off the Suboxone? I asked that question in an online support group and was told by two people, the only ones to respond, that I have to wait until I’m off the Suboxone.
Even though I’m on the Suboxone I’m also doing chemical dependency classes two times a week and I have a counselor at the clinic that I see. Oh and the Dr. every week.
So, doesn’t that count a little bit towards my sobriety? Or am I just going from one drug to another? Ahhh! I’m confused. It’s a good thing that one of my classes is tomorrow. Do any of you have any good suggestions or answers for me?
I do have to say that the Suboxone is doing great. I’m not craving the Oxy’s, and I haven’t had any withdrawal symptoms. I also can function. It took a couple of days before that could happen. To tell you the truth, the Suboxone knocked me on my ass. Now that I think I’m on the correct dosage, I’m feeling pretty good. The best that I’ve felt in a long time.
I think one of the reasons I’m feeling better is because I don’t have to worry about running out in a few days. I am taking the lowest dose possible for ME. That doesn’t mean that it’s not to high for someone else or to low. Everyone is different. I also like the fact that I take it all once a day and not throughout the day.
I thought that when I started on the Suboxone it would be like it was when I was on the pills, since it is an opiate. I was so wrong! My head is still out of the clouds, not in that haze caused by the oxy pollution. I was even kinda comical today at my Dr.’s appointment. I was a lot more talkative and I don’t feel high! Yes! I never thought this day would happen.
When I called Ideal Options to get my initial appointment they let me know that there was a two to four week wait. I felt discouraged. I had waited until I was in withdrawals, like I was told I would have to be, and needless to say I was pissed that I couldn’t get in right away. I figured that I might as well just forget the appointment since I’d be basically done with the withdrawals. A lot of people, including another person that is on the program, asked why I would go and be put on another drug. Well, the reason that I did go and get on that other drug is because of the cravings. The cravings made me so anxious and I just couldn’t stand it.
The cravings are part of the addiction that I went through so much. I was withdrawing about every two weeks. I would sit around, text every person I knew that might have some, then I’d try to figure out what I could give them instead of money because I never have money. Sometimes I would ask someone for money, but with the amount I needed to take to feel “good (addict talk for not in withdrawals, but not high)” was so high that nobody would give me that much money. I would even crave them when I had them!
I did depend on my ex for a long time. We would share pills. He’d run out of his and take mine, when I ran out I would get one of his Oxycontin sometimes two a day, if he had just gotten his script. I’m so glad that I’m not having to go through that anymore. I think that’s some of the reason I feel so good.
If anyone has their own story that they’d like to tell, feel free to do so in the comments, or leave me a link to your own blog 🙂 829 words! I think that’s enough spilling of the beans for one night. I hope you all have a great week! Thanks for reading more of my ramblings!
One more day and it would’ve been five weeks since I took any oxy’s. I’m a little confused. I decided to go down to Ideal Options, a local Suboxone and outpatient treatment center. If you click on Ideal Options, it should take you to their website. They’re so nice there. They want to change people’s lives. The picture above is when I was still using oxy’s and smoking weed. I have also quit smoking weed. The treatment center is an abstinence only clinic.
I know there’s a lot of debate over if you should go from opiates to Suboxone, which is also an opiate. I’m going to give you some information about Suboxone that I received from my doctor yesterday.
It’s a longer lasting medication that consists of 8mg buprenophine and 2mg of naloxone. A benefit of it being a longer acting medication means you only have to take your prescribed amount once a day. They are little orange film strips that you let dissolve under your tongue, one strip at a time. It is disgusting. I might wean myself a little sooner than later just because of the taste.
Buprenophine is an opiate that binds with receptors in your brain. The naloxone is a medication that will kick the buprenophine and any other opiate off the receptors and then bind to them itself, IF the Suboxone is injected. I’m not sure if you do other opiates if the same thing happens. Click HERE for more information about Suboxone.
One of the requirements of getting on the Suboxone program is that you have to start therapy sessions before you can be prescribed the medication. I had a chemical dependency assessment on Monday, group on Tuesday, and the Dr. on Thursday. Usually I would have group on Tuesdays and Thursday, see the Dr. on Thursday, and see my therapist on Friday. I’m so busy with all of these appointments that I really can’t get a job. I saw one job for US Cellular, and I want it! It’s full time but they also put that if you need to be part time first then that’s fine. I really want it.
Now on to the day I was in withdrawals. That would have been Thursday. I acquired some 10mg oxy’s because I thought it would put me into withdrawals, and you have to be moderately in withdrawals to start Suboxone, otherwise it throws you into full fledged withdrawals.
One thing I’ve learned is that there is no reason to be early. They are a very busy clinic, only having two doctor days, and group is supposed to start at 10 but doesn’t start until 10:30am. My first group was nice. There were only four of us which was nice because I was nervous. I had to introduce myself and my drugs. I did a lot of listening to the other women. Two of them were struggling with heroin use and meth. They did meth because they wanted to feel something and knew they couldn’t do heroin. I felt bad for them. I’ve never done meth but I do know how they feel about the heroin. I’ve never actually done heroin, but when you do the amount of pills I was doing, and mixing with Benzos, it’s pretty much the same thing. I didn’t abuse my Klonopin.
Next was doctor day. I was nervous so I scored a little higher than I should have on the COWS assessment. With as many as the oxy’s I was taking, they decided to put me on two strips a day and possibly move up to three.COWS_induction_flow_sheet (If you were wondering what this consists of, here ya go!)
When I got home, I followed the instructions they sent home with me. I started with one and then in an hour I took another one. Let’s just say it knocked me on my ass. I slept the rest of that day and the next day. I woke up on Friday and was in the best mood! I didn’t get tired, if anything I had more energy than normal. I did some painting which I hadn’t done for quite a while. It felt good. I was also able to concentrate really well. Not bad enough that I was over focusing though. I didn’t feel high. I just felt good. Happy. Not depressed!
Around 5:00pm that night I started to feel restless and not very good again. I decided to try a half of one film strip. That did the job. You are not supposed to take them at different times of the day because that reinforces drug abusing behavior. So this morning I took 2 1/2 and I’ve felt good all day, even with no sleep last night. It did keep me up and I’m supposed to be getting off of the Klonopin, so I don’t know what I’m going to do to get to sleep now. I’ll figure something out, and maybe I’ll even find a really good online support group that will help me.
Now, is it week four, day six, or is it three days? I like the four weeks better, but I guess I did “relapse.” I feel so much better. I don’t feel like my head is in the clouds anymore. I feel like I want to get up, shower, write, paint, anything! I just love this feeling! It’s not even a high. It’s just at ease and at peace with myself. I don’t feel like I have to stuff my feelings. If I don’t like something you will now know. And if I do like something I’ll be sure to tell ya.
Well, 963 words later, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and read up on some of my recovery books that I downloaded on the Kindle app. There are quite a few addiction ebooks that are free right now. Maybe I’ll do a book review of one. I haven’t done that in a long time.
Have a nice night, and thanks for reading about this big journey I’m going through!
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