Posted in Mental Health, Miscellaneous, NaBloPoMo

I Wish.

What’s the one super power that you wish you could have? Mine would be to read people’s minds. I’m sitting here thinking what to say, how to say it, what to do? Listening to depressing music that fits my relationship right now. I just don’t understand. “You don’t text me good morning anymore. You don’t call me on your breaks anymore.” So, guess what I did today? I said “Good morning.” No reply. I called him on my break. Didn’t seem to matter. Things were going good. Then I was supposedly on my phone too much. Kinda weird. All I did was order some clothing and shoes for Brady and change my Google play credit card. I looked up a movie/book that we were talking about that sounded good.

It really sucks to feel like you’re not good enough. I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything. All I did was give it my all. I’m so tired of crying. Crying over boys. Not just him, but my sons. I think the worse part of crying is the stuffy nose. I think I’m almost out of tears. You know when you’ve cried about someone so much you just don’t even care anymore? That’s how I feel some days.

I think I’m unlovable. Or maybe I don’t know how to love a man. I thought I did. Everything is so different this time around. Is it that battered woman syndrome? The good times are so good but the bad times are so bad. I’m 32 years old and finally think I have found it, the L word. I think I was wrong. Once again.

My mind is just racing with questions that I wish I knew the answers to. I think I’ll go outside and see if it’s snowing, like it’s supposed to. 1

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Author:

I love many things; my boys, recovery, painting, drawing, crocheting, knitting, and the list goes on. Recovery from PTSD and addiction. Acrylic and watercolor painting. Soft yarn, in neutral colors. This is my place to ramble and not have to hear the judgements of others. Thank you.

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