Posted in Miscellaneous

What Do You See?


What is your first impression of this picture? We’re happy? Love each other? Are having a great day? Well, those are all for the most part true. Here’s my story…..

What you probably don’t see is the hurt in both of our eyes. We have been seeing each other for around a year, and this whole year I have been with another man. The other man has known about this secret one, but thought it was purely platonic. I feel horrible, but no matter what I do or did I ALWAYS ended up going back to him.

This man is the complete opposite of what I’ve always looked for. He’s the first interracial relationship I have been in. He has taught me SO much, and I just feel so happy around him. It’s not all peaches and cream though! For one, I know he will never trust me, or it will take a lot of time to prove to him that I only want him. He thinks I talk to other guys, and just tonight we had an argument about it which ended with him telling me to, “Suck dick!”

It hurts. I’ve been dragging him along for the past year, not sure if what I was going to do. I didn’t feel ready to go back to work yet, and I had no way of getting a place to live in without working. Thankfully that had been overcome and I’m waiting for a job with arms wide open.

In the beginning of our relationship he was crazy about us. Thought the same way I did as far as things happening for a reason and that we were meant to be together. Then slowly I ruined it. I would tell him I was going to come over, and then not even talk to him for a week to a month. I KNOW how that feels! It feels absolutely horrible!

Why did I do that? Sometimes it was because I slept in and knew he’d be mad at me so I just chose the ignore him. Then he would text me every day that he loved me and missed me.

Pretty soon there were no more texts every day telling me he loved me. He’d had enough. I had played with his emotions too much. It was now me texting him, telling him I loved him and couldn’t live without him. He’d tell me to come over, we’d have make up sex. He’d whisper in my ear to “never leave him.”

What I want more than anything is for my future to involve him. I can see what it would be like and I WANT IT! I wrote him a couple letters in the beginning about why I loved him. It was the God’s honest truth and still is, except now I think there are more reasons.

I’ve never felt this way about someone for this long. He’s been treating me pretty bad lately, mixed with those good times. Just enough good times to keep me coming back. Tonight he’s mad at me because I took a nap and didn’t text him right back. I’ve given him plenty of chances to look at my phone and Facebook and he won’t. I’ve never allowed anyone to look at those things.

I’ve compromised a lot in this relationship and he just expects me to change things over night. He doesn’t understand that I’ve been working the past 7ish years at a daycare. My medical background is non existent according to medical offices, even though I haven’t forgotten a thing. It’s very frustrating. So many jobs require now that you’re bilingual in English/Spanish. That’s the one thing keeping me from getting a lot of jobs.

I’m not going to ask for advice. My gut keeps telling me to go back, that we aren’t through yet. Everyone will say, “leave him! He’s mean to you!” I’m tough. I can handle it. He’s insecure and maybe my job is to make him feel more secure. I’m done hurting him, but for God’s sake, can’t a girl take a nap?!

I miss my lollipop. Just remember that just because a couple seems to look happy, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. You don’t know what happens day to day.

I love you baby, and I’m going to keep on praying that things will get better and stay better. I’m going to pray for you to overcome the hurt I have caused just as I overcome the hurt you cause me. I don’t expect you to forget, but do forgive and move on so we can have our future together. In seven minutes it will be 11:11pm. He used to always text me that he loved me a at that time. I want it back. I want to repair the mess I have created and I’m going to!
I’m in love with a Hispanic.


I love many things; my boys, recovery, painting, drawing, crocheting, knitting, and the list goes on. Recovery from PTSD and addiction. Acrylic and watercolor painting. Soft yarn, in neutral colors. This is my place to ramble and not have to hear the judgements of others. Thank you.

2 thoughts on “What Do You See?

    1. Thank you Ryder πŸ™‚ I’m not ready to give up yet. He’s everything I didn’t want in a man, yet we sit there and make each other laugh over the stupidest stuff. I’d rather be happy than with someone that has a full time job and can “take care of me. ” I take care of myself as long as in truly happy. I don’t think I ever have been do happy yet hurt so bad at the same time. Thanks for your comment!


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