I wish you would read this, and hopefully some day you will. I love you all so much, and all in such different ways. There’s so much I want to tell you, but I know you’re not interested at the moment. Maybe when You’re older you will be more interested in what I have to say to you.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I haven’t been there for you every waking moment that I should and could have been. I’m sorry that I have given you the ugly disease of depression. Hopefully it’s the only bad thing you get from me. Ok, let’s be serious. I’ve given you more than just depression that is bad, and I’m sorry for that. If I could be in your shoes every day, I would. Maybe I can be a Super Hero and take it from you so you don’t have to suffer anymore. When you are suffering, I am suffering. It breaks my heart to hear that kids are picking on you at school. I want to go to your school and flick them in the head, but I think I’d get in trouble for that.
I’m sorry that I gave up on you when you were just seven. It probably was for the best, but I will never forgive myself for letting you go. You belonged and still do belong with me, your mama. We were attached at the belly button for a whole nine months! That’s a long time, believe me! Even after they cut the cord so we weren’t attached anymore, I still loved you just as much. When you cried through the whole first night after we came home from the hospital, I still loved you. The tears streaming down my face right now are because I love you so much and am so regretful of what I have done. I just signed you over like you didn’t mean anything to me, but please do know that you mean the world to me. Just as much as the other noodles. I’m so glad that you’re such an easy going, happy kid. I’m so glad that you’re not mad at me, or do you just not show it?
I know you’re mad at me little noodle. I’m so very sorry for that too. Someone told me not to say I’m sorry, but to show it. How do I show you how sorry I am that I couldn’t protect you, and that the system failed you too? A bunch of liars have cause an uproar in your life. You’ve had to change schools, leave the only people you’ve known your whole life to live with one that was only around when it was convenient for him. You’re better than that Noodle. You won’t grow up to be like that. You’re going to break that ugly cycle that you’re a part of. I will live long enough to make sure of it. I hope and pray that soon you’ll be back in my arms. I miss all of the hugs you gave me everyday for no reason but because you love me. I know it’s hard right now, and I know you’re hearing a lot of bad stuff about your mama, but please know, in your heart, that your mama is not a bad person and loves you so much! I have done so much for you in your short little life because I love you so much. You needed a little extra help growing up, and who was there helping you? Your mama. Never once did I give up on you. I knew you’d be just fine.
Well Noodles, I have a lot more to say, and I’m sure I’ll write more of these for you. For now I’m going to close with I’m the proudest mama on the face of the earth, and probably to the moon and back too! You’re all so smart and so brave, who wouldn’t be proud of you? I love you more than anything, more than you think. I’ll show you how sorry I am when I find out how.