Posted in Mental Health, Miscellaneous

My Dearest Sister

My Dearest Older Sister,

Where do I start? Maybe with how hurt I am? Nah. You don’t care. How could you care? A person like you has no real feelings, only ulterior motives. What’s your’s? What is so damned important that you risk the relationship with the one person that has looked up to you since she can remember? Probably more than your own children. Do you remember the time I told you that you were the prettiest girl ever? You just brushed me off and said” Whatever.” The one little girl that you would wake up early Christmas morning SO I could hear the coyotes howl at Santa.

I Know, I Know. I took all of your attention away. I’m sorry for that. Do you think I asked to be born? Aren’t you glad some of the attention was taken off of you and you wouldn’t have to do those things that you knew were wrong, but must have been ok since the man you looked up to said it was ok. Do you blame me for our parent’s getting a divorce? Maybe If I hadn’t come around they would’ve stayed together.

I’m Sorry. The reality is that I didn’t ask to be brought to this planet and have a mother and father that were never there for me. I didn’t ask to be left with people who would take advantage of my innocence. I didn’t ask for you to be beaten by the hands that were supposed to protect you. I have NEVER wished any harm upon you.

But you…Are you jealous? I had the perfect child with a man you think is perfect for you. He’s just using you… like he did me. He only cares as long as he “needs” you. What you have done is forgivable, but will never be forgotten. You have not only hurt me, but your other two nephews, Kids that may someday be your step neice and nephew, possibly your future brother-in-law. Your mother. you know, the one you love so much?

I’m not going to start bashing you with all you’ve done to hurt me over the years, but it’s not just this incident. When I was younger, while you were married, up to it being my fault you became divorced with a gambling problem. I’ve tried so hard over the years to gain your acceptance to no avail. You’re quick to point out my flaws but not there to help me.

You knowingly let me drive 20 some miles with my six year old son, your nephew, even though I couldn’t stay awake for more than two minutes at a time at your house. Why didn’t you call someone to come get me? Why didn’t you make me wait until you were done so you could drive us? Do you want to know how that makes me feel? Do you even care? Oh I’m sure if something would’ve happened, you would have put on a great show.

Thankfully I got help within a few days of that incident, but that didn’t matter. The fact that I was over medicated didn’t matter at all! I’m sure you probably don’t think I need to be on any medication. You don’t. You have thoughts of dying and how it doesn’t affect you, and you don’t ask for help. Not until everyone in the family has talked you into it. Thank you. Thank you for not acting out one of your fantasies. Thank You for not making our mother have one less child at her young age.

Does it make you feel better, knowing I hurt like hell every day? Not physically, but emotionally. Your feelings were hurt when I brought my other sister that you don’t know, to my birthday party. You have never told me why? What did she do to you? Or is it just because she was born too? You probably wouldn’t have liked her anyways. She’s a lot like me. Just to let you know, we haven’t talked much for the past few years and guess what? That HURTS me! Worse than not talking to you, whom I grew up with!

She accepted me. She didn’t judge me because guess what? Just like you, she has faults too. We are so much a like, that other girl and me. She’s even doing the job I went to school for! We spent our birthdays at the beach, even though you tried to put a damper on it. Guess what? We had a blast! She treated her nephew like he was the best little boy she’d ever seen. The same one you wouldn’t watch for me, so I could celebrate our first birthday’s together. She told me I was a good mom and she had never seen such well behaved, well mannered children before.

Do you know how regretful I am that I let her and I grow apart? And for the most part it was because of YOU. So YOU wouldn’t hurt. Never mind the fact that I had NEVER in my life been SO connected to someone. Nobody has ever come over to my house just to have a pot of coffee before going to work. Or came over at ten at night just to have a good night smoke with me. If I miss anyone, it’s her. I was her sister, not her competition.

Goodbye sister. I hope one day you realize the pain you have inflicted upon the ones you’re supposed to love. I hope you find it in your heart to begin the healing process so that you can be the best mother and daughter. I am weaker than you. I cannot find it in my heart to forgive you.

Loved once,
Your Little Sister

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Author:

I love many things; my boys, recovery, painting, drawing, crocheting, knitting, and the list goes on. Recovery from PTSD and addiction. Acrylic and watercolor painting. Soft yarn, in neutral colors. This is my place to ramble and not have to hear the judgements of others. Thank you.

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