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Lost

Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. That’s ALL that’s been on my mind today.

Last Friday they’re was a meeting with the children’s other parents. All that was said was everything I do wrong. Not ONE good thing. Not the fact that they all said they felt safe here. Not that the fact that there was more than enough food here. When the CPS bitch came out she said there were some dishes with food on them (but I don’t feed my kids), and a pile of blankets that needed to be washed, that weren’t all the way across the hallway, but partially. It was a slight risk.When she was at the house she smelled “slight dog urine, hardly even noticeable.” I explained to her that I had a 5 month old puppy that was very stubborn about being potty trained after he went brain dead, but that we do pick up after him. She gave me this look like “Whatever.” She’s been against me since day one. Switching “Safety Plans around to say what she wants them to say after everyone had already agreed on what was going to happen. Make shit up about me being hospitalized in May of this year for a mental breakdowns!?! Oh and I left against Dr.’s orders. For one, I’m a very impatient person. If I want to leave, I want to leave now. You have to wait 24 hours or something like that before you can leave a psych ward against Dr.’s orders! That would have driven me crazy and they wouldn’t have let me leave, or I would have come to my senses and just stayed the remaining however many days were left. So, I guess if you work for the state and you want someone to sign a medical release, all you have to do is make some bull shit story up and they’ll sign it. So, since CPS had no good reason to take my kids from me,  one of my Noodles father threw a fit, slamming the chair against the table, threatening to get an attorney. The other father sat there with his eyes closed like he was sleeping and left before we discussed what we were going to do to ensure the kids have a safe, stable environment. If they really cared about their children’s well being and not about the child support that was the first paper I saw when I got served, then maybe they would realize that they were in no danger at all!

I text B at 540 and told him I was on my way. His response was,  “our attorney said he needs to stay with me!” He didn’t have a court order but in so intimidated by this man and don’t want the police to have to go get my child that I just left it alone. When it comes time to go to Court, he will owe me this weekend.
Now it’s 500, Sunday evening and im supposed to go get my other noodle.  I just have this gut wrenching feeling that im going to show up and get served papers. This noodle just started seeing his father for more than 4 hours every other weekend in June! He’s not stable at all. He’s also a very angry person.
All day long I’ve been thinking I should’ve said this and Oh I forgot about that! It’s consuming my mind! My boyfriend is “sick” and probably wouldn’t be available if he wasn’t. IM so alone. All of this is just making me sick. There’s no reason I should lose my kids!
There are so many people out there that need the help of cps and they’re wasting their time on us. I don’t know what to do, but I miss my kids.

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Author:

I love many things; my boys, recovery, painting, drawing, crocheting, knitting, and the list goes on. Recovery from PTSD and addiction. Acrylic and watercolor painting. Soft yarn, in neutral colors. This is my place to ramble and not have to hear the judgements of others. Thank you.

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